


Don't Speak

by Vadianna



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: (actually more like the 1990s), (for the Kylo Ren scar), Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, M/M, Pining, Self-Esteem Issues, Slow Burn, body image issues, high school mascots, non-graphic facial injury, tabletop role-playing written by someone who has probably never heard of that before, the epilogue is the only explicit part
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-30
Updated: 2019-03-30
Packaged: 2019-12-25 19:59:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 46,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18268367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vadianna/pseuds/Vadianna
Summary: 1990s Appalachia:  Ben Solo has grown up with Armitage Hux, his friend and neighbor since they were children.  Hux all but lives with Ben and his family, and they do almost everything together.But Ben has always had a crush on Hux.  In their final year of high school, Ben struggles with the reality of Hux moving away, and the possibility that telling Hux his feelings might change their relationship.





	1. Fall

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the [@kyluxbigbang,](http://kyluxbigbang.tumblr.com) with art by [xandrei!](https://twitter.com/xandrei) The art is posted at the end of each chapter.
> 
> Both characters are over eighteen for the entire fic. The explicit content is only in the epilogue. Kylo's body image issues are all in his head and end positively, but if you need details about that, check the end notes.
> 
> Kylo and Hux go to an extremely isolated, tiny (around 200 students in four grades) public school in what is implied to be West Virginia in the 1990s. I wrote with a specific town in mind, but used an amalgamation of names from that area. The mascots are real, but from a different area. Despite the obvious conclusion, they are from a public school with no religious affiliation.
> 
> Also, Hux and Kylo often role-play together. I imagine they are playing the West End Games version of the Star Wars RPG. While these books exist in my house, and I definitely looked at them, it will probably be obvious to every single reader that I have no clue what goes on in a role-playing game. [@tie-fight](http://tie-fight.tumblr.com) helped me with some of the character creation stuff, but any mistakes are mine.

“Ben, it’s cool. We don’t have to do this.”

“Do what? Stop your mouth for good, Dameron? Or prove that I’m faster? Everyone knows I am.”

“ _Ben_.”

That was Hux, trying to get Kylo to calm down. Kylo knew how it looked. He was angry, and he was shouting in Poe’s face, and Poe was like a foot shorter than him, and Kylo looked like he always looked when he got into fights. _Aggressive_. _Threatening_. People were watching. They were probably thinking that this would be the fight that got him thrown out of school for good. They were probably right.

Hux saying his real name did not calm him down. Hux would never call him _Kylo_  in front of anyone else, but _Ben_ still sounded wrong, and it only made Kylo angrier. That made everything worse. Which… everything about this was already _worse_. The afternoon was too fucking hot. The freshly cut grass was sticking to his shoes and pants and the smell made him want to sneeze in Dameron’s face. There was a crowd, and they were all staring at him. Looking at him, judging him, and Kylo hated every single fucking thing about this situation.

What was he supposed to do? Agree with Dameron and back off? He’d look like an idiot. He already looked like an idiot, but backing off would be worse. All this was Dameron's fault, because he couldn’t keep his mouth shut. Hux was scowling at him, and Dameron was trying to make peace, and everyone was staring, and just. All of it.

But he’d seen Dameron talking to Hux ( _again_ ) about asking freshman to sign up for the school mascots. They were only a week away from the first home football game of the year, and no one had signed up for the vacated and extremely reviled school mascot postings.

No one gave less of a shit about football than Hux, but Dameron, vice president of the student council, had been asking Hux every day to help him talk two freshman into becoming the laughingstock of the entire town. Dameron’s constant hints that Hux could really turn on the charm when he tried, that the freshmen _really_  looked up to him, that most of them would be flattered that someone so good-looking and popular talked to them-

Watching Poe lean against the locker next to Hux so casually… Poe, who was handsome and had a nice smile, and whose dark hair always fell just so into his eyes, who looked good in anything and always smelled nice, and could talk anyone into anything. Watching him lean in close and flatter Hux, trying to trick  _Hux_  into doing what he asked… well. That had been happening for days, and Kylo hated it every time.

Today, he’d finally snapped. He’d gone off on Poe, and Poe and Hux had both looked at him like he had grown another head. When even Hux didn’t understand, Kylo knew he was in trouble.

But how was he supposed to explain this to Hux? That he was stupidly jealous? That Kylo didn’t want him to fall desperately in love with Poe, and he should never speak to him again?

Yeah. Right.

Kylo had just gotten mad, like always, because he could never talk to people like Hux or Poe could. But he could run faster than anyone else at the school. So he’d challenged Poe Dameron to a race, with the condition that if Kylo won, Poe could never speak to either Kylo or Hux again. He’d done it loudly enough that Poe couldn’t refuse.

Poe hadn't refused, but he'd done the thing where he spoke reasonably and quietly and tried to talk Kylo out of it. That only made everything worse.

They’d gone outside, Kylo stomping and leading the crowd, Hux and Dameron following, spectators trailing in their wake.

Now, they were staring at him. Hux was staring at him and scowling. Kylo was sweating in his hoodie. It was too hot out to wear it. He wondered if his face was red. He tried to ignore everyone else but Hux and Dameron. He could hear the crowd, murmuring close to the brick wall of the gym, standing in the square of afternoon shade.

Dameron had stepped up to the painted line at the edge of the practice field behind the gym, faint now that the grass had been mowed. When he saw Kylo looking, he shrugged and dropped his backpack on the ground. His carelessness was infuriating.

Kylo knew that this was too much, that his belligerent, one-sided argument in the hallway at the end of the school day had been an overreaction. But. It was true that he didn’t want Dameron around any more, asking Hux for favors. Telling Hux how great he was.

He took a breath to try and calm himself down (that never worked), then turned around to face Hux again. He wasn’t scowling anymore, and had resumed his neutral expression, the slightly pissed-off look Hux got when he didn’t want anyone to know what he was thinking. Kylo might as well have been looking at the brick wall of the school.

Unexpectedly, Hux grabbed him by the shoulder and yanked him closer. Kylo stumbled, nearly falling into Hux. Hux leaned in close, putting his lips right next to Kylo’s ear, then whispered, his breath tickling against the sweaty skin near his ear.

“You can do this. I know you didn't like the summer, but it doesn’t matter. You could do this in your sleep before, and you can do it now. Understand, Kylo?”

Hux pulled back and studied Kylo’s face, his usual pissed-off expression still in place. He looked calm, collected. He always did. He was wearing a gray collared shirt and some sort of tan slacks that made him look tall and thin and much too old to be coaching Kylo behind a high school gym. His hair was slicked back, his skin was pale, and he was beautiful, not even sweating despite the heat. He wasn't even that mad that Kylo had drug him out here and put him through his bullshit again.

Kylo dressed in too many black layers for the early September afternoon. At least being too hot would hide the blush on his face, which he knew happened as soon as he felt Hux breathe on his skin. Having Hux speak into his ear like that was… a little much.

But it was exactly what he needed. The anger that had been pounding in his head receded to a dull thudding, and he remembered - yes, he was fast, he could do this, even with everyone staring. He nodded, shoved his bag into Hux’s arms, then stomped over to where Poe was stretching in the grass clippings next to the practice field. He began stretching his own legs out, silent, hoping he still looked as angry as he had prior to Hux’s… encouragement.

Kylo had been kicked off the track team last spring, and was officially no longer allowed to participate in sports. While he hadn’t really wanted that, it had meant he could sleep in every morning all summer and no longer needed to wake up and run for hours with the cross country team. The downside was that he was still eating enough food to feed the entire school (according to his mother) and being disgusting (according to Hux), and the lack of exercise meant that he had gained weight. Fifteen pounds. He told himself he was tall, that it wasn’t obvious. But his clothes hadn’t fit right at the end of summer, and he lost his temper more than once over nothing, simply because the waist of his pants no longer felt right and his clothes were tight in the thighs and shoulders.

It was stupid, and apparently Hux noticed, which was mortifying. They hadn’t talked about it, but it had been Hux who suggested an hour-long trip to the mall so that Kylo could pick out new clothes. Hux said it was because he’d worn his old black clothes gray, and he was sick of looking at how tattered and slovenly Kylo dressed. Kylo knew it was because Hux had noticed his weight, either because his clothes didn’t fit or because Kylo was angry about it.

Hux hadn’t bought anything himself, but had provided sufficient background complaints as Kylo had made his selections - Kylo couldn’t match shades of black to save his life, he needed something other than Nine Inch Nails and Rage Against the Machine shirts to wear, he needed clothes that actually fit and didn’t have enough room for Hux to climb in with him. Hux had been walking away when he said that, which had been a very good thing. Kylo was shit at hiding his facial expressions. Now, when he put on his pants in the morning, he thought about Hux in them, instead of how he’d put on weight.

Anyway.

He had worn his new pants today, but they looked new, and everyone would know _why_  he was wearing new pants. They were baggy, but Kylo felt twenty pairs of eyes on his ass as he bent over to stretch. They would all know he put on weight. He also always wore a hoodie over a t-shirt now, and had since the school year started. The hoodie was long enough to fall to mid-thigh, the sleeves fell over his hands, and it probably was big enough that Hux could climb in with him, if he wanted. He wore it now, even though it was over eighty degrees out. He wouldn’t take it off. He was sweating freely underneath it, could feel the cold drops of perspiration running down his spine and neck. He licked sweat off his lips when his head was bent down so no one would notice.

Poe, of course, was wearing shorts and an old little league t-shirt advertising a local welder. The little league shirt was bright green and too small, and clung just right to every inch of his torso as he stretched elegantly, bare legs out in front of him. Poe was short, but he was built like a classical statue, his legs tight and sculpted, his shoulder and arm muscles standing out as he flexed. Someone wolf-whistled, and Poe flashed a wide grin. Kylo glared over his shoulder.

They both had the same stretching routine, so they finished at the same time, Poe smiling at him just before they both bent low to take their marks.

“Good luck, buddy.”

Kylo made an indistinct noise in return. He didn’t need luck. They were running a one hundred meter dash. Kylo had set the school record last spring. It was stupid they even had to go through the motions of this. Paige and Rose, who had apparently seen everything inside, had paced out the run as Poe and Kylo stretched, and now stood on either side of what would be the finish line.

Kylo hated the crowd they’d gathered. Some had been watching since he’d started shouting at Poe in the hall, but more had come over as they’d left through the back door of the school, the quiet background murmuring growing louder as more joined. There were around twenty people now, most of them seniors, but a few Kylo recognized as underclassmen. He hated the feeling of being judged. It hadn’t been so bad when he’d actually been on the track and basketball teams, because he felt good when he was in games. He had always been good at sports, good with his body. He knew it.

But the current stares were different. This was all because he was angry. He couldn’t explain why he was angry, so everyone was wondering why he was doing this, including Poe and Hux. Everyone but Hux probably wanted to see him lose. Kylo hadn’t sprinted in months, and they were staring at his wide-leg jeans, his ass-

 _You can do this_ , Hux had said. Sure. He could. He took a breath, then met Finn’s eye, nodding.

Finn, Poe’s best friend, was the drum major of the marching band, and he blew his whistle to start the race. The shrill sound echoed off the brick wall of the gym, announcing the race to everyone still on the school grounds.

Kylo let his body tense and take off. It didn’t matter what anyone else thought, because he was good at this, and Dameron would have to stop talking to-

He tripped and fell over his new jeans within three steps, tearing the cuff of the wide left leg and hitting the ground painfully on his palms. He bit his tongue hard, and numbly felt the vibrations on the ground as Poe ran on, crossed the one hundred meter mark, and won.

He heard laughter ringing in his ears. He tasted blood in his mouth. He couldn’t look up. He couldn’t move.

“Hey man, you okay?”

Dameron had already come back to him, crouched down and overly concerned. Kylo pushed his hair out of his eyes and spat at the ground to clear the blood from his mouth. Poe looked genuinely concerned, damn him. He offered a hand to help Kylo up. Kylo shook his head, rocking himself into a sitting position. Everyone was still laughing at him.

“You lost, Solo.” That was Rey, of course. She wasn’t laughing, but it wasn’t because she was worried about him getting hurt. She hated him. She had come over specifically to gloat, probably, crossing her arms. “You lost the bet.”

“Where did you come from?” He winced when it came out thick, his tongue swollen and sore, and someone nearby laughed harder. More people had gathered. The buses were due, and the crowd waiting for them had wandered over. Rey must have come from there. She didn’t have a license yet, and as far as he knew, she was still taking the bus. She hadn’t been in the hall, or with the first group of people that gathered outside. Still, she probably knew about the bet.

The _bet_.

If Kylo won, Dameron wouldn’t speak to Hux again.

If Dameron won, Kylo and Hux would be the new school mascots. Which, at the time, had seemed like a good deal because Dameron had never won a race against him.

Except he had, and now he and Hux had to be the mascots for the entire school year. The laughingstock of the town.

“Thanks, Poe. I couldn’t get anyone to sign up for the Quakers, either.” Rey looked over at Poe, her tone brightening immediately. She was on the student council too, maybe as a sophomore representative or something, Kylo didn’t fucking know. Poe flashed her a smile.

“No problem. I knew we’d find someone.”

“ _Find_.” Rey’s tone changed, and she looked down at Kylo again. Her arms were still crossed, and she was wearing an off-white tanktop, showing off her bare shoulders and, Kylo had to admit, her impressive biceps. “Or trick, I guess. Whatever works.” She shrugged, uncrossing her arms, but her expression was still harsh. “You’ll have to report to Ms. Holdo tomorrow for the fitting. Before school. Seven am.”

Kylo scoffed. “Seven? I’m not getting here early, and I’m not going to be the mascot. Neither is Hux. Besides, I’m not allowed to participate in sports. They won’t let me do it.”

“Do you think they give out varsity letters for mascots, Ben? It’s a club, not a sport. Last I heard, you haven’t beaten up the pep band, so I think you’re still allowed in clubs.”

Ben shifted forward, his pulse pounding again, and he pushed himself up off the ground. “That’s not what-”

“ _Ben_.”

That was Hux, coming up from behind. Kylo flinched and collapsed back to the ground, pointedly not looking behind him. He looked at Poe instead, whose expression grew grave as he looked over Kylo’s shoulder.

“Hey man, you don’t have to do it. It was a stupid bet anyway, I shouldn’t have-”

“Shut up, Poe,” Rey said amiably, smiling at him for a moment before turning to glare over Kylo’s shoulder. “You do have to do it. You made the stupid bet, and you lost. I’m going to submit both your names for the mascots, and if you don’t show up tomorrow, you’ll be marked as absent or truant. I know you don’t do that,” she said, to Hux specifically, who’d had perfect attendance as long as Kylo had known him.

“Come on Rey, Hux didn’t even make the bet.”

“He might as well have.” She glared down at Kylo one last time, glanced at Hux, nodded, then left.

Kylo looked over his shoulder. Hux was there, and he was furious. Kylo had never seen him this angry before, ever. And he’d never seen Hux show any sort of emotion in front of other people, especially at school.

He was livid now. His face and neck had gone an alarming shade of red, and his fists were clenching and unclenching at his sides. He was keeping everything in, as he did, but he never _showed_  it like this, not to Kylo, and not to other people. It struck Kylo that he looked a lot like Brendol when he lost his temper, and Kylo glanced down, knowing Hux would hate that. He pushed his fingers through the short grass and dry clippings, sucked on his throbbing tongue, and tried to think of something to say to fix it.

“Hux,” he tried, glancing up, but Hux was already walking away, toward the parking lot. He kicked Kylo’s backpack on the way past, sending it into the brick wall of the gym.

“Hux!” He shouted, louder, trying to pick himself up and nearly tripping over his pants again. That got a few more laughs from the people that were still gathered to watch, and his face burned as he pulled up his hood and stumbled the few steps over to where his bag had landed. Some of his pencils had spilled, and he swore, bending over to scoop them back up.

“Hux, wait!” he shouted louder, grabbing his eraser and straightening.

He expected Hux to walk off, to lock him out of the car. He expected to apologize excessively to Hux, and he expected to make it up in some absurd way that only Hux could think of. He knew Hux wasn’t cruel enough to cause a scene in front of the crowd that was already staring at Kylo.

He had not been expecting to watch Hux get into the driver’s side of his black Mitsubishi Spyder and start the car.

“Hux!” Kylo shouted louder, running the few steps to the edge of the parking lot.

Hux couldn’t drive, and Kylo froze and watched in horror as Hux attempted it.  He was lucky there wasn't anyone parked in front of him.

The car stuttered and stalled on the first attempt, and Hux started it again, this time succeeding in squealing the tires and shooting across the parking lot, a few stray students jumping out of his way. He stalled the car when he tried to break, then started it again, coasting slowly in first down the tree-lined driveway, blowing through a stop sign and drifting onto the main road at fifteen miles an hour.

It was Hux’s car, but Kylo drove it. Hux had never once been behind the wheel. Kylo could have… could have run across the parking lot and stopped him as he watched Hux struggle with the gears, stall and stop the car. He probably could have gotten in the passenger seat, or thrown himself in front of it to stop Hux from leaving. He doubted Hux knew how to put it in reverse.

But the message had been clear enough. Hux didn’t want to see Kylo. Didn’t want to talk to Kylo. Was _very upset_  with Kylo, more than he’d ever been before.

The laughing and loud conversation he’d heard from the group that watched the race had stopped, silent for a moment before they broke out in quiet murmurs and speculations about what the hell Hux was doing. Several kids were watching near the back door of the school. A few people’s faces were visible through the windows of the building.

“Solo!” someone shouted, and Kylo flinched, watching Mr. Canady stride through the back doors and across the grass toward him.

“Yes, sir?”

Mr. Canady was an older, solidly-built man in his fifties, his hairline receding from his round face. He was wearing a casual dark blue suit and tie, strictly adhering to the teacher dress code, and looked like every high school teacher stereotype Kylo had ever seen. He stopped in front of Kylo, crossing his arms and scowling. Kylo had grown even taller over the summer, and Canady now had to look up at him. It was a small victory, and the only one Kylo was likely to get today.

“I saw a crowd, and I saw you. Were you fighting again?”

Kylo’s stomach tightened, and he tried his best to say the right thing. He was out of practice. Hux did this part for him.

“No. Poe and I were racing. Running, I mean.”

“Dameron?” Canady’s brow creased, and he glanced over to the field, where the crowd of students had dispersed almost instantly, leaving only Poe, Rey, and Finn. “You know we have to punish both people in a fight, Mr. Dameron.”

Canady had to know that Poe would never fight anyone. Even the thing with the track team last spring, Dameron had been elsewhere, he hadn’t been involved except to break it up. Kylo hated thinking that Poe wouldn’t have let that fight happen, but that was probably also true.

“We weren’t fighting, Mr. Canady,” Poe said calmly, slapping Kylo on the shoulder and smiling. “Ben and I were racing. One hundred meter dash!”

Canady looked at Ben. “You were suspended from the track team.”

“It wasn’t an official race, sir,” Poe offered before Ben could say the same thing in a way that would get him hauled to the principal’s office. “I just thought I might be able to beat Ben at the dash. I did!” He smiled at Canady then, that perfect white grin that would get him anything he wanted.

“This was quite a disturbance for a simple race.” Canady turned to glare at Kylo again. “One more fight and you’re expelled.”

The reminder stole every angry comeback from Kylo’s mouth. Canady only had to say that he’d seen Kylo fighting, and he’d be gone. Canady hated Kylo anyway - he taught calculus, and had been convinced that Kylo was copying Hux’s work. He was, but he’d never been caught at it, and Hux was too good a student to bring down with cheating accusations along with Kylo.

“They weren’t fighting, sir. I saw the whole thing.” Rey, this time, jumping to Kylo’s defense, or perhaps Poe’s. He could tell it pained her. But she had said it, and Canady’s glare softened.

“If you say so, Miss Rey.”

“I do.”

Canady turned back to Ben, looking more stern and searching now. “Watch yourself, Solo. If you’re in another fight, you’ll be finishing out the year over in Weir. Understand?”

Kylo thinned his lips, but nodded. He didn’t care whether he finished the year, here or at the high school in Weir or anywhere else. But he didn’t want to tell Hux he’d been expelled, and he didn't want to give up all the time he spent with Hux at school now. Kylo didn’t think he could bear it.

The four buses had arrived to pick up the commute students, which was nearly every freshman and sophomore in the school, and at this point in the year, most of the juniors. Over one hundred kids. Canady left him, slinking back inside to monitor the students as they climbed into the buses.

“Seven tomorrow morning,” Rey growled, jostling his elbow hard as she walked past him. Poe and Finn followed, both giving Kylo an apologetic look as they went out to Finn’s car. Finn and Poe rode home together when one or the other didn’t stay after school for band or track. Apparently Rey rode with them now. Kylo sneered. That made too much sense.

Kylo glanced out to the parking lot, then to the buses. Some of the students were staring as they got on, which was understandable. Kylo was nearly a year older than everyone else in his year, and he hadn’t ridden the bus since he'd been a freshman. Most of them had never seen him by the bus pullaround before. A few of the seniors who had vanished when Canady came out emerged again, smirking as they went to their cars. Kylo glared at them, pulling his hood tighter over his face.

He could walk. It was five miles, and it was hot, but he’d feel better about talking off the hoodie once he got away from school. He’d have to walk down Chester street and then Veteran’s Boulevard though, through the woods where there wasn’t a shoulder. The traffic was was fifty-five miles an hour there, if you were doing the speed limit. Which most people didn’t. He’d get hit on a blind curve. Walking there was stupid, but there weren’t any other roads that went home.

He cast his eyes down and hurried onto the fourth bus, still remembering which was his. Thankfully, the old driver had retired, and the new one didn’t seem to notice or care that he didn’t belong. He tried to slink to the back, but all the seats were taken, and he was getting hostile glares from the sophomores. He glared back, then collapsed into one of the middle seats, setting his bag next to him. He leaned against the window, studied the graffiti and artful tears in the vinyl seat in front of him, and tried to shut out the smell of stale bus.

 

 

* * *

 

 

  
He tried not to let Canady’s threats get to him, but the combination of Rey’s disdain and the idea of getting expelled from school sat heavily on Kylo's shoulders as he made his way to Hux’s house at six the next morning. Their houses were only a quarter mile apart at the edge of a hayfield far out of town. The Claveys owned the field, along with several others all over the woody mountains that loomed over everything.

They’d been neighbors ever since Hux and his father had moved to Cumberland when Kylo had been in first grade. Brendol’s job kept him away from home more often than not, so Kylo’s parents had agreed to take care of Hux while Brendol was away. Hux had all but lived with them ever since. Even now that they were in high school, Hux still ate dinner with Kylo and slept over more often than not, because that’s the way it had always been. When Hux had gotten the car last year, they’d agreed to leave it parked at the Hux house, the two of them usually walked across the field together in the mornings, and Kylo drove them to school.

Sometimes, Brendol was home, and sometimes Kylo made the walk by himself. But not often.

The bus had dropped Kylo off at Hux’s house the day before. He’d had to get off with his ears burning, the whispers of the other kids following after him. Hux’s car had been in his yard, deep ruts torn in the grass from where Hux had driven it off the road, missing the driveway and braking hard. The house had been locked when he tried the front door, and no amount of pounding or ringing the bell had summoned Hux. Kylo had tried calling later in the evening, planning on faking anger over not knowing whether Hux was eating dinner with him. When Hux didn’t pick up, Kylo knew he was in serious trouble. He could count on one hand the number of times Hux had eaten dinner alone over the years.

Which was why he’d come over so early this morning. He had been planning to apologize, but he saw Hux’s car was gone, the ruts in the grass forming a continuous line from where he’d obviously driven through the yard and pulled straight onto the road again.

Kylo sighed, and his stomach pinched and rolled at the thought of Hux’s anger. Hux was stubborn, and he’d known Hux might avoid him this morning, even getting up early and wasting a lot of time to do it. Kylo had prepared for it. He pulled his hoodie off and stepped out of his wide-leg jeans, rolling them up and stuffing them in his backpack. He was wearing an old track tank and shorts underneath his clothes. They were a hideous red-and-white combo, but the tank and elastic waist still fit him, and he’d never been comfortable running in anything else. It was five miles to school, and it was still a little chilly, the sun just beginning to come up over the tops of the mountains in the distance.

When he got kicked off the track team, he told himself he would be glad to stop the morning runs through the summer, along with all the afternoon runs and practices for cross country and track in the spring and fall. He’d run so much, and he’d told himself having so much free time would be good. But he found he missed running - jogging along the long stretches of straight roads, through fields, stepping over for the occasional car, all of it had been incredibly calming. He didn’t have to think about anything when he did it, and he could focus on his body, which he’d always been best at.

He had an old cassette walkman he listened to when he ran, and he and Hux made mixtapes. Sometimes Hux would switch them out, and Kylo would be stuck listening to something like an old Andrews Sisters compilation that Hux had slipped in from who knew where. Once, it had been strange electronic music that Kylo had enjoyed until he found out that it was called _Soothing Sounds for Baby._  Kylo hadn’t spoken to Hux for three days after that.

Yesterday… had been a lot of things. But it made him realize that he should start running again. It had been good for him, and not doing it had mostly just made him feel bad. He wanted to lose weight, and he wanted to challenge Poe Dameron again. He knew he could beat him in a sprint. He’d start lifting again, too, in the afternoons when Hux was at his house doing homework, or whatever he did there.

So he slung his backpack over his shoulder and began jogging to school. The roads were probably too dangerous for it on the direct path to school, but Kylo would manage. He didn’t actually mind getting up early, and he reminded himself he'd have to get used to it. And today, it gave him more time to decide what to say to Hux.

Hux had whispered in his ear, had told Kylo he could do it. And Kylo hadn’t.

He’d never seen Hux so upset before.

 

 

* * *

 

 

He reached school just before seven, with enough time for a brief shower in the locker rooms, but not enough time to eat. By the time he arrived at Ms. Holdo's small costume closet in the auditorium, he was ravenously hungry, anxious about Hux, and angry at Poe for forcing him into all this.

 

Holdo was the physics teacher. She also directed the spring play each year, and handled all the school’s fitting and costuming needs. She helped fit the marching band and choir performance uniforms every year, and either created or modified the outfits used for the plays, colorguard, cheerleader, and majorette shows, always taking the measurements for each student.

She also fitted the mascot costumes. Those were the same each year. He thought about asking if she’d ever considered changing them, but didn’t want to sound too interested.

Kylo stopped in the doorway when he saw Hux in the tiny room with Holdo, his back to the entrance. He still didn’t know what to say to Hux, and was furious at himself for letting Hux down. If Hux snubbed him two days in a row, he knew this might be the thing he wouldn’t forgive. Their eleven years of friendship might end with Kylo forcing Hux to be the school mascot, which was just stupid.

The scene in front of him was a striking one, though: Hux, his arms out, dressed in his usual polo shirt and neat black dress pants. Brendol had some sort of weekly laundry service he used for their clothes, so Hux always had pressed pants, a neat crease running unbroken down the center to the impeccable black dress shoes he always wore. His clothes fit him perfectly, as if he had new ones made every week.

Hux didn’t have much of an ass, and his pants didn’t cling, but Kylo took a moment to appreciate his backside anyway, his eyes lingering over-long and regretful.

Hux’s skin was pale in the dim yellow light that lit the small space. His hair was in its usual slicked back style, appearing dark except for a striking red halo highlight around the top of his head. The back of his neck didn’t look red from here, but it was one of the only tells he had when he was embarrassed or didn’t like something. Kylo was sure Hux didn’t like Holdo taking his measurements. He didn’t even like sitting through Holdo’s class.

Holdo was bent over next to him, a chewed pencil held between bared teeth as she wound the measuring tape around his chest. Her hair shone a pale purple, almost white as it framed her face, loose strands floating freely. Her long hands manipulated the tape, tightening it and then considering as she pinched the ends together with one hand and noted the measurement with the other on a small table nearby.

The tiny windowless room looked dim and dingy with its single naked bulb, dust motes floating through the air. It was unfinished, bare 80-year-old boards meeting with a concrete floor in dark corners. It smelled musty, like dust and rotting cloth, and the walls were covered in hooks and various brightly-colored, overlapping costumes that weren’t easy to identify, making the space around the small table and chair even more claustrophobic.

“Mr. Solo,” Holdo spoke without looking up. “Mr. Hux was just telling me how you both came to be the keepers of school spirit for the year.”

“Mmm,” Kylo replied, not knowing what else to say. But staying silent always made him feel stupid, and Hux made fun of him for it, so he tried harder. “I could have beat him.”

“But you didn’t.” Her gaze caught his, and he held it, unwilling to submit to her scrutiny or criticism. He should have won. “And you and Mr. Hux are now the Quakers.”

The school mascots were always a Quaker couple, male and female, wearing old-fashioned Quaker outfits. The Quaker Man costume was some sort of black formal coat, short black knee-length pants, white hose, and shiny black boots. The outfit could be worn with a plaster cartoon mascot head depicting a grinning cartoon face with a pilgrim hat and curly powdered wig and ponytail, or with a separate identical wig and ponytail, sans the round cartoon face. Nothing about it was cool. The girl’s costume was just a floor-length plain black dress, an optional white apron, and white bonnet covering the girl’s hair, which was less embarrassing to wear.

Kylo had been so worried about what Hux would say to him that he’d forgotten one of them would need to be the Quaker Lady. He opened his mouth, mortified. He wasn’t sure he could do it. He would quit school. He couldn’t.

“Don’t worry about it,” Hux replied, glaring over her shoulder. “I told Ms. Holdo I would be the Quaker Lady.”

“He’s not the first boy to do it,” Holdo added quickly, eyes back on Hux’s measurements.

Kylo blinked, too overwhelmed by Hux speaking to him to process what had been said. When the conversation finally caught up to him, his face heated, and he found he couldn’t be bothered to care. Hux knew he wouldn’t have done it. Hux _knew_.

“Really?” he asked, in response to Holdo, not sure what else to say.

“Really,” Holdo said in a dry voice, glancing at him again. “Don’t congratulate yourselves too much. When I first started teaching, there weren’t very many girls at the school, so a boy sometimes wore the Quaker Lady costume. But boys and girls have been switching the costumes since the seventies.” She took a knee and began measuring Hux’s inseam.

Hux batted her hands away. “I hardly need that, if I’m going to wear a skirt.”

“The costume includes long shorts underneath the skirt,” Holdo added in the firm, yet oddly detached tone that was uniquely her. Kylo had always thought of her as a strict hippie. “Those have been available since the seventies as well. Some people don’t wear them, but I think you’ll want to. I’m giving you a different pair from the regular costuming, but I’ll need to make sure they’ll fit your long legs.”

Hux gave an indistinct negative sound in answer, probably due to the layers. Hux hated bundling up for the winter. Kylo couldn’t see his face, but he could imagine the expression anyway. His sneer, his scrunched-up nose. His nose had tiny, faint freckles across it, and Hux would hate to be told that they made him look cute.

Hux continued. “There weren’t girls here when you started teaching? And when was that, the turn of the century?”

“Mr. Hux,” Holdo said smoothly, noting his measurements on her pad. “I would advise against ungentlemanly remarks when my hands are near your vulnerable areas.”

Kylo let out a wheeze of nervous laughter, and this time, Holdo smiled at him. “You’re next.”

“I… right.” Kylo still didn’t know what to say. He watched Hux’s back, his shoulders tensed and hunched beneath his polo.

“And Mr. Hux,” Holdo said, slightly admonishing as she stood, the overhead light glinting off the many silver rings on her hand. “Don’t act so upset. You need extracurriculars if you want to get into college. And colleges love school spirit.”

“Yes, because ‘Quaker Lady’ will look good on any college application,” Hux said bitterly.

“It looks better than nothing,” Holdo concluded, putting a hand on his shoulder and beckoning to Kylo with the other.

Kylo walked forward, feeling a little ridiculous with his wet hair and overly baggy clothes. He couldn’t look at Hux or Holdo, so he kept his head down, his eyes cast to the floor. He hated this. He hated that this had happened to them, and it was his fault. He hated that Holdo was going to have to touch him, _measure_  him. He didn’t want to know, he didn’t want Hux or Holdo to know.

He also felt like he would die if he didn’t say something to Hux. Immediately. That overrode the embarrassment, because somehow, Hux always did.

“I’m sorry,” he finally managed, nearly shouting it, but not looking at Hux.

“Sorry for what?” Holdo was staring at him, confused and misunderstanding the apology. Kylo could feel his face burning. He didn’t know what to say. Hux was standing to the side, and Kylo could feel all his muscles tense, his fists clench. He dropped his head.

“Sorry for what?” Hux repeated, a little dryly. Holdo seemed satisfied that Kylo wasn’t apologizing to her, so she knelt, looking serene as she began the measurements. Kylo barely noticed, now that Hux was talking to him again.

“Sorry for… letting this happen,” he muttered, still not looking up.

“And what, specifically, do you regret?”

Of course Hux had to be an asshole about it. He was sorry that Hux was mad at him, and he was sorry they had to be the mascots. He wasn’t sorry about Dameron.

“Ben,” Hux snapped, sounding impatient.

Kylo turned his head and met his gaze, more defiant now. He scowled, and mimicked Hux’s slight accent as he answered. “ _What, specifically, do you regret_. Really, Hux?”

“ _Ben_ ,” Hux said, and his voice got colder, his look icy. “I thought you’d be begging to make everything up to me this morning. And you're mocking me instead. Can't you just apologize for what you've done?”

Kylo could feel his face heating again, and couldn’t help it. He knew Hux would notice, but he hoped Holdo would mistake it in the low light. “I… shouldn’t have talked to Poe.”

“No, you can talk to Poe,” Hux said patiently. “Try harder than that.”

“I got out of shape over the summer,” he muttered, looking away again. “It won’t happen again.”

“ _Ben_ ,” Hux said sharply again. “I don’t give a shit about that. You’re not out of shape, and I know you probably think all this is about you losing that race. You’re wrong. I’m asking you, _do you understand what happened yesterday_?”

“I shouldn’t have done it, I shouldn’t have made the stupid bet.”

“You shouldn’t have picked a fight with Poe at all. He was talking to me. I wasn’t going to ask the freshman to be mascots, did you think I couldn’t handle Poe fucking Dameron?”

“Language, Mr. Hux,” Holdo replied in a quiet, admonishing tone as she continued to scribble Kylo’s measurements. Kylo barely noticed she was there. Apparently Hux didn’t care. Kylo would normally have hated being scolded like this in front of someone else, wouldn’t have taken it even from Hux. But he knew Hux was right, and he felt bad enough that he let it pass.

“Beg your pardon, Ms. Holdo,” Hux said in an automatic, overly polite way that made Kylo’s jaw muscles clench.

“I know you can- I know you weren’t going to do it, but it was just, he…” Kylo trailed off. He couldn’t stand Dameron talking to Hux, calling him good-looking, telling him how good he was with people, asking for favors…

“I know you got mad at Dameron!” Hux threw his arms in the air. “But that was extreme, Kylo, and now we have to do this all year. Are you sorry?”

“Yes,” Kylo muttered, looking away. He wondered if Hux had intentionally used his other name. Holdo glanced between them, but didn’t comment, scribbling down the last of his measurements. She stood, winding the tape back into a tight coil.

“Okay, we're finished. I should have your costumes ready by Friday. You’ll need to stay after school so we can do the final fittings. You’ll both need to make time for it.”

“Yes, ma’am,” Hux offered politely, all but dragging Kylo from the room. Kylo gracelessly bent to grab his backpack as Hux hauled him into the hallway. They still had twenty minutes before the bell rang that started the day.

Hux held him by the forearm and pulled him away from the auditorium, past the cafeteria where breakfast was being served. The school breakfasts were wretchedly bad, but the school was required to provide them. Very few students ate them. But even the smell of rubbery eggs and the cloying scent of cinnamon made Kylo’s stomach growl after the run this morning.

“Hux, I want breakfast, can I-”

“Wait,” Hux growled, dragging them further down the hall to a door near the main office. He pounded on the metal latch below the handle, and it sprung open, revealing a pitch-dark and windowless room. When Hux hit the light switch, Kylo realized they were in a tiny office meant for the yearbook editors. There was a metal drafting desk and an ancient wooden chair, along with a wall of dusty yearbooks dating back to 1867.

“I didn’t know this was here,” he murmured, stepping around the drafting table and dragging his fingers along the spines of the yearbooks.

“They stopped using it a few years ago, they use the software on the computer in the geometry classroom now.” Hux shook his head. “Kylo. Tell me what happened yesterday.”

Kylo’s heart leapt into his throat. He didn’t turn around, instead taking one of the old yearbooks off the shelf. It was full of oversized, stuffy-looking portraits. There were only a dozen per class. All men. Maybe there had been something to what Hux had asked about Holdo.

With his face heating yet again, he thought about answering Hux honestly. _I didn’t want Dameron to talk to you. I couldn’t stand him complementing you. I want to be the only one to tell you how beautiful you are. I would do anything for you. I love you. Don’t go to college, I won’t be able to stand it._

He swallowed. He’d worn that confession thin in his head, along with the fantasies of Hux being happy to hear it. Which was pure fiction. The more likely outcome was that his only friend would never speak to him again.

“I lost my temper,” Kylo said simply. It was true, and it happened often enough that Hux would accept it.

“It wasn’t just that. You _like_  Dameron.”

“I don’t.”

“As much as you like anyone,” Hux insisted. “You thought he was the only other good runner on the track team. And you didn’t deck him when you fought everyone.”

The fight that had gotten him thrown off the track team had been a one-sided affair with Jequin Rennagen. Jequin had been standing by the lockers telling a sophomore about something Hux had said in class, some remark that had humiliated Mr. Jerjerrod in front of everyone. Kylo hadn’t cared about that, because Hux did that all the time. But Jequin had gone on to describe other things that Hux’s smart mouth likely did in his spare time. Kylo had beaten him unconscious, and he’d begun lashing out at the other track team members trying to pull him off Jequin before Poe had shown up and finally calmed him down. Kylo had broken Jequin’s nose and nearly given him a concussion. Kylo had been given a week’s suspension, told he could no longer play high school sports, and a final warning. One more fight, and he’d be thrown out of school.

“You know you can’t fight anyone again,” Hux pressed when Kylo was silent, as if he could read his mind. He probably could.

“It wasn’t a fight. It was a race. See, I can learn my lesson,” Kylo said sarcastically, sliding the old yearbook back on the shelf and turning around. “I just thought it was a stupid thing to ask you, and he’s been doing it for weeks. I was tired of it.”

“So you challenged him to a race. That you lost.” Hux’s arms were crossed over his chest, and he was leaning against the table, the dusty surface smudging his clean black pants. He didn’t look as angry as he had yesterday. Or much at all. Something in Kylo loosened.

“Really Hux, I’m… sorry. I know I got us into trouble. I didn’t mean to. I thought I could win. I wish I- I wish someone else could do it with me, instead of you.”

“One of your other friends.”

Kylo didn’t have any other friends. Neither of them did. He furrowed his brow, but didn’t say anything, waiting for Hux to eviscerate him, to make him feel less guilty. To forgive him. He’d do anything to make this up to Hux, this public humiliation that he’d subjected them to.

Instead, Hux sighed, his brow pinching. “You look like you want me to hit you. It doesn’t matter. It’s just a stupid costume.”

“And all the games,” Kylo reminded him. Every home game for every sport, for months. It would be bad. Kylo wasn’t sure he could do it, even if he was wearing the Quaker Man costume head.

“Don’t make this worse for yourself.” He shook his head, his expression clearing. “I was furious yesterday, if that’s what you want to hear. But.” He paused, swallowed. Sounded like he was forcing out what came next. “Colleges look for extracurriculars, and I’ve never done any. So it’s good. It’s fine. I woke up this morning not caring.”

“You made me run to school this morning. You drove your car here, and you don’t know how to drive.”

Hux shrugged, his expression his usual inscrutable pissed-off look. “I thought you should feel sorry for a little longer.”

“Yeah. I deserve that.” Kylo nodded once. Usually, he’d fight Hux when he was being an asshole like this. But this time he was right.

“I’m done now, though.” Hux waved it away. “You can drive me around again. I don’t care about the mascot thing. Not really.”

“Hux. We’ll… have to be cheerleaders. We’ll…” he tried to think of what the mascots did. They were at the track and basketball games, but he’d never paid attention to them. “I don’t know. Do we sing, or make the crowd cheer, or what?”

Hux rolled his eyes. “I have no idea. I’m sure someone will tell us.”

“Do we dance?” Kylo asked, suddenly remembering the times he’d seen the majorettes practicing their routine, with their batons and shorts.

“We don’t, no. They can’t make us.”

“Okay.”

The two of them stood in silence, staring at each other. Some part of him was disappointed with how easy this was, how Hux had forgiven him like it was nothing. It wasn’t nothing. Kylo had made an ass of himself in front of half the school, and he was about to embarrass both himself and Hux in front of every school they played sports against.

Hux should be angry. Hux shouldn’t be speaking to him. Hux shouldn’t care about what Kylo was _actually_ upset about.

Kylo could tell him. It was the one thing Kylo had kept secret from Hux, in all the years they’d known each other. He was pretty sure Hux didn’t tell him everything. Definitely not all the stuff about Brendol. But he didn’t have to. Kylo was his friend, liked him, had a crush on him, loved him. Loved him more than he loved anyone or anything else in his life, and couldn’t imagine not spending every day with Hux.

They had the rest of the school year. And that was it. All the same classes, and driving together, and dinners together-

“Hux,” Kylo asked suddenly, worried. “Are you coming over tonight?”

Hux’s brow wrinkled. “What? Of course I’m coming over tonight. We don’t keep food in my father’s house.”

“Don’t act like it’s a stupid question,” Kylo snapped. “You didn’t come over last night.”

“Because I was _angry_ ,” Hux explained, slowly, as if Kylo didn’t understand him. “And I just told you I wasn’t anymore.”

“Whatever,” Kylo grumbled, trying to sound annoyed, but turning back around because he couldn’t keep the pleased expression off his face. He pretended to look at the yearbooks another few seconds while he fought his grin, then turned back around. “You didn’t have food at home? So you didn’t eat dinner, or breakfast?”

“No.” Hux wrinkled his nose. “That cafeteria smells wretched. Do you think they have toast?”

Kylo didn’t want anything they’d cooked, either. But he was hungry enough that the taste wouldn’t matter. His mouth was watering at the thought of the eggs.

“I smell bread. They definitely do.”

“Fine.” Hux sniffed, hoisting his backpack back up one shoulder and turning around. The smudge of dust from the tabletop was across his ass, visible for a moment before Hux turned the light in the office off and listened at the door to make sure the hallway was clear. Then, he opened the door and stepped out.

Kylo stared at his ass as they walked to the cafeteria. He wanted to rub the dust off. He wanted to leave the dust there to give himself an excuse to stare.

He wanted.

 

 

* * *

 

 

  
By habit, Hux and Kylo spent early afternoons apart - Hux did homework, and Kylo had gone to practices for basketball and track until the end of last year. Hux had refused to change his routine after Kylo got kicked off the teams. So after school, they went their separate ways, Hux going to his own house to work in peace, and Kylo crossing the field to his house to fill his afternoon. He often watched reruns on television, or played PC games to pass the time. But his loss to Dameron still stung, and he resolved to fix what had gone wrong. Since there wasn't much he could do about his temper, or his feelings for Hux, he resolved to get in shape. So he went to the basement and cleaned off his mother's old workout equipment. Leia Organa had lifted weights religiously until very recently. Kylo had always wondered if it was just another way for her to intimidate her political opponents, or if she did it just to keep fit. She’d only stopped because she’d been staying overnight in Charleston more often in the past year. Something told him that she could probably still do curls with the forty pound weights.

He cleared a spot in the basement and decided to make it a regular space to use the weights. He brought his boombox down and blasted _Blood Sugar Sex Magik_  loud enough for Hux to hear, and lifted the weights until he could barely move his arms. He wanted to exhaust himself, and he wanted the music loud enough to drown his thoughts. After, he showered and started going through his old sketchbooks to kill time until Hux came over for dinner.

Most of his sketchbooks were full of characters the two of them had made together, for all the games they'd played over the years. Looking at them was always fun, and it made him want to go back over the old games with Hux, all the old arguments and the surprises. So when the front door slammed just after six, Kylo bounded down the stairs, hanging off the banister in the entranceway, overly excited. It felt like Hux had kept the best kind of promise, even though it was only the same thing they’d done every day for years.

Hux scowled up at him. “What's wrong with you? And where’s Leia?”

“Bored, Hux. Mom's in Charleston. Where do you think she is? When was the last time you saw her?”

“Last week. She’s not gone as often as Brendol.”

“No. She’s not.”

Brendol Hux’s job had never been made clear to Kylo. Possibly to Hux, either. They didn’t discuss it. Brendol was absent for weeks or months at a time, staying home for only a week or two until he disappeared again. He had some sort of government contract job related to the valve manufacturing plant in town.

“She’s never let us run out of food before.”

“Run out of food?” Kylo frowned. Hux was being dramatic. They’d gotten down to the last of the leftovers and the prepared food his mother always left them. Kylo had finished it yesterday, which Hux could likely guess. “The food’s not gone. We just have to make it ourselves.”

“We? Because your mother was confident we could, after all that cooking we’d done for her.”

“Hux. We can heat a frozen pizza.”

Hux wandered into the kitchen. “What kind of frozen pizza?”

Kylo followed, his steps light. He stared at the back of Hux's neck, the pale skin of his nape, visible between his high collar and his neatly trimmed hair. He wanted to touch it. He felt like Hux had been away for weeks, and it had only been three hours. He’d die if Hux left. He couldn’t.

“I don’t know. Supreme?”

“When will you learn that olives aren’t real food?”

Kylo leaned past Hux to open the refrigerator door. Looking him in the eye, he opened a partial jar of olives and began eating them. Hux rolled his eyes, opening the freezer and removing a box of breaded chicken squares.

“Whatever. I’ll just make chicken sandwiches.”

“With what?”

“'With what,' meaning more food? I’m not making a multi-course meal, Kylo. If you want something else, contribute.”

Kylo opened his mouth to reply, and Hux put up a hand. “Something other than olives.” He gestured. “But if you want to ruin a perfectly good sandwich with those, feel free.”

“You’re going to use ketchup.”

“I am.”

“What’s the difference?”

Hux didn’t dignify that with a response, turning away from Kylo and carefully studying the box of frozen chicken patties, then flipping a dial to preheat the oven. Kylo watched him silently, popping more olives into his mouth. The sound of _Kylo_  still rang in his ears, the name only Hux called him, and only when they were alone. Hux was here, in his kitchen, and they were making dinner together.

It was regular. They'd done it every day, for years. But... not yesterday. And Hux's forgiveness, this regular activity, felt like a balm over Kylo's worries.

Hux was right, in that the usually only heated up Leia’s leftovers, or had a rushed dinner with Leia herself. Or, previously, a nice dinner with both Han and Leia. His father had been the household cook. Kylo and Hux had rarely even made their own sandwiches.

But after last night, when he’d eaten both his and Hux’s portions of spaghetti with meat sauce over the sink, directly out of the tupperware without heating it, even chicken sandwiches would taste fantastic.

Hux turned back around, meeting his eye. When he didn’t say anything, Kylo felt like Hux could see right through him, that he could tell exactly why Kylo was so happy. Kylo turned away as he felt himself blush, the moment suddenly awkward. Maybe he’d been staring. Sometimes he couldn’t tell when it was weird.

To cover his reaction, he turned to the pantry and grabbed the first thing he saw, waving it at Hux. “I’ll make this.”

Hux eyed the box of macaroni and cheese, unimpressed. “That’s what you want to eat for dinner?”

“Yes.”

Hux sighed, stepping past Kylo to look into the pantry. “We need a vegetable, too. I’m not just eating this garbage.”

Kylo walked past him, rummaging for a pan. He knew these days would end, at the end of summer, once Hux moved into a dorm for college. Kylo didn’t know what he would do. He pushed the thought from his mind.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Later, once they’d fought over whose fault it was that the chicken was dry and the macaroni was hard, they settled into the large king-size bed in Kylo’s room. Kylo sprawled across the foot in black flannel pants and a gray t-shirt, while Hux wore his blue satin lounging outfit, a gift from his father that was humiliating in theory but actually really comfortable. Kylo was slightly jealous of the shorts and button-up sleeping shirt. This didn’t stop him from mocking Hux for it, even as he enjoyed the sight of Hux’s long, pale legs curled in front of him.

They did a lot of things in the evenings - previously, a lot of homework copying for Kylo. They rented videos to watch, or they talked about music, or they just sat quietly together, sometimes enjoying conversation.

But what they liked best was role-playing, and they’d been doing it more since the end of the last school year, though they sometimes played for hours into the night and Hux complained he was too tired for school the next day.

They’d started playing the summer they were eleven, when Hux’s aunt Rae had visited for the first and only time Kylo had ever seen her. Hux had clearly idolized her, and she’d only come for him, since her visit had conveniently happened while Brendol was out of town. She’d stayed a month at Hux’s house, and Kylo and Hux had both slept over there. She’d cooked for them and taken them on day trips and generally been the coolest person Kylo had ever met.

She’d also taught them how to play _Dungeons and Dragons_. Hux and Kylo had both taken to it immediately. Hux had loved writing the stories for the adventures, and Kylo had drawn and designed the dungeons and maps they used, and made drawings for all their characters. By the end of Rae’s trip, she had ceded all the game master duties to Hux.

They’d played games continuously ever since, with Rae sending them occasional new games and supplements to try out. Hux had liked _Shadowrun_ , which Kylo had found boring. Kylo’s favorite had been _Vampire the Masquerade_ , which Hux had hated, and made a point of incapacitating Kylo’s character as often as possible. Kylo had written Rae to thank her profusely and beg for more, and she’d sent him _Werewolf_  and _Mage_  for his birthday in subsequent years. Hux hated them all. Kylo continued to write Rae to tell her how much they were both enjoying them. She also sent Hux more _Shadowrun_  supplements than Kylo thought it was possible to make.

She’d sent them the Star Wars game for Hux’s eighteenth birthday at the beginning of summer, and they’d been playing that ever since. Neither of them had wanted to end the campaign, and they’d played three to five sessions a week for nearly three months. It was the most they’d ever played a single campaign for any game. Their characters, a Cynical Scout and Failed Jedi that they’d quickly pulled from the premade character templates, had captured and stopped a smuggling ring, tricked pirates into making them rich, led a rebellion, and had eventually been elected the rulers of the colony world that they hadn’t left the entire time. Hux’s scout had, at one point, gotten into real estate speculation, and Kylo’s Failed Jedi had begun Bantha ranching.

After neither of them could think of anything else to do on the planet, they had decided to make new characters entirely their own. Kylo’s character was a speeder mechanic that was secretly Force-sensitive, noticed by and recruited by Hux’s character, a dropout of the Imperial academy whose specialty was bureaucracy and who had high charisma.

To play their games, they each kept a large notebook. Kylo’s was an oversized sketch pad he kept propped on his chest, with a tray of of other supplies next to him - the remains of various pencils, a knife, two different types of demolished erasers, a blending stump. Kylo drew everything, usually in sketches, but he usually found something every few sessions he could turn into a real drawing, and sometimes even a painting. He’d drawn scene after scene of all the places from their last game, the banthas he’d raised, the very specific details of the palace that Hux had built for the two of them in the planet’s capital city once they’d taken over.

He also drew their characters over and over again, in every profession they tried, and in every outfit he could think of. The best versions he would matte and hang on the wall. There were seven year’s worth of Hux and Kylo’s characters lining the walls of his bedroom, including the characters they’d played with Rae that first summer and the ongoing _Dungeons and Dragons_ campaign they played with her via mail (that Hux wouldn’t let him cheat the dice rolls for). He loved looking at them, both because they were all good memories and because he liked seeing how much better he'd become at drawing over the years.

It was also an excuse to draw Hux over and over again. Hux’s NPCs always looked like Hux, and Kylo’s characters were always variations of a masked, muscular warrior. He liked covering his own face and imagining himself as someone that could travel with Hux. It had also given him a reason, years ago, to stare at Hux’s face before he’d quite figured out why he liked to stare at it so much. He’d memorized every detail of it, before and since, committed it to paper again and again and again. Even after Hux eventually moved away, he would stay surrounded by portraits of him, and probably draw him over and over again for the rest of his life.

Hux’s NPCs were, predictably, always named Hux, and thinly veiled versions of his own personality. Kylo had at least chosen a different name for himself - Kylo Ren, which is what Hux had taken to calling him in private. Kylo liked it better than his real name, since it was something special between himself and Hux.

Hux wrote the games. His notebook was a thick, 3-subject lined notepad. Previously, he’d work on the plots of their games every evening, when they used to only play on Saturdays. Since they’d started the Star Wars campaign, they usually played on weeknights, and Hux wrote the plots during study hall at school. He wrote in a made-up alphabet, cobbled together from existing writing systems that he’d looked up in the library one day. When Hux first told him about this, Kylo had committed the key to memory, though he’d never bothered to read Hux’s notebooks. He liked that he was the only one who could, though. Other people asked Hux about it at school, and he either told them it was random scribbling or to fuck off.

“So. Did you figure out how we were getting off planet this time? Is there actually a way? Or am I going to have to fix another dozen skis for a country club again?”

“Kylo Ren liked that country club. It had ungulate racing. They let him ride them. But there wasn’t anything for Hux to do while Ren were racing their pets. You know Hux hates animals.”

“You were supposed to seduce and steal money from the older singles at the club.”

“I failed the roll.”

“Yeah, but I won a ton of money, and earned a bunch from the repairs, too. How are we using it, Hux? We have to go somewhere else. I want to go into space.”

“Well. Let’s go to the spaceport, then.”

“Fine. The port. That leads off planet. A ship. Let’s get on one.”

“Well. Does Kylo Ren want to buy one? It might be cheaper if it's one that Kylo Ren can repair. There's an enormous junkyard on the way to the city, complete with disreputable alien keeper, if Kylo Ren wants to explore that.”

Kylo snorted, and began sketching a Rodian idly in the corner of the pad. "The alien is a Rodian. I see him. But when I try to talk to him, he’s speaking Bocce. Neither of us understand it.” Hux would give most of the story cues, but Kylo liked breaking in with his own. Hux never actually objected, but he was suitably annoyed by it, which was satisfying enough.

Hux rolled his eyes. “All right. Then we move on to the city. The rest of the walk’s uneventful. In the city, there’s one spaceport, and it has a ticket office facing the main street. Hux approaches the human at the window, and asks what the next available transport off the planet is. She tells us that we can book a working fare aboard the slave ship _Yerrin’s Tears_ , or board the luxury couple’s cruise _Sunrider_.”

“I… what?”

“Those are the only two options. Do you want me to say it again?”

“No. A couple’s cruise?”

“Yes. The human ticket person says that the _Sunrider_  caters to members of society who wish for a romantic ride to Chandrila. She says,” Hux paused, switching to the broad Midwest accent he used for their NPCs. Kylo suspected he did it to mock him. “‘You look like a nice couple, but remember to pack something nice to wear! There are some formal balls scheduled for the cruise, and you won't be able to wear jockey clothing and a riding mask.’” Hux paused again, switching back to his own unique accent, one that had mellowed over the years. “She winks at us.”

Kylo paused, trying to process that twist. A couple’s cruise. It couldn’t be- no.

“Where the fuck is Chandrila?” he asked, embarrassed, trying to stall for time. “Are there… any other trips off? A regular fare, a transport, a cargo ship?”

“No.”

Kylo glared at Hux. “Look, I need… to talk to you, Hux. In private. In the alley, over there.”

“’You’d better hurry!’” Hux added in the NPC voice again, smirking at Kylo. “’The couple’s cruise doesn’t have very many openings! It may be booked up when you come back.’”

“Okay, thanks! So we go behind the plant over there, and… Hux, we aren’t a couple.”

“We can buy Kylo a nice outfit and pretend. Hux still has the outfits you used to get into the country club, and his Imperial uniform. He’ll tell them that he's a sales representative for the Kuat Drive Yards, and that Kyko's a specialist in diagnosing issues and recommending upgrades with capital ships. And that they're married.”

“Married? But, we-” Kylo turned, feigning interest in his sketchbook to hide the expression on his face. He’d decided the Rodian only had one eye. They couldn’t be married. That was too much like what he wanted. To be with Hux forever, like this, just to live together-

“We aren’t married,” Kylo insisted.

“Hux can use his persuasion skills, it should be easy,” Hux said simply. “And they'll just say they are. Why not?”

“Because…” _Because I want it to be true_ , he thought, and he was afraid he’d say something accidentally if they did this. Hux had never suggested they pass as a couple before. Kylo didn’t dare look at him. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Hux bent studiously over his notebook.

“Hux, let’s go to another terminal. We can just look until we find a regular transport off-planet.”

“This is the only spaceport.”

“Hux, this planet has an Imperial Academy on it. Are you _sure_  there aren’t any other spaceports, with a regular transport off-planet?”

“Yes. This is a backwater academy. There’s just the one. Does Kylo Ren want to work on the slave ship, or take the couple’s cruise?”

Kylo snapped the tip of his pencil off, then cursed as he sat up to sharpen it again. “Fine, whatever. Go back up to the window, we’ll roll to see if your lie works.”

Hux rolled, and of course it did, because it was his highest skill. They both had a bad habit of dumping all their points in only a handful of skills, which is why neither of them spoke Bocce for the Rodian earlier. He gave the Rodian portrait a feathered tricorn hat.

“’I’m sorry,’” Hux said in his flat American voice, still smirking. “’But that Revwien over there bought the last pair of tickets.’”

“Revwein?” Kylo asked. “You just made that up.”

“Look it up in the rulebook. Alien Force Student.”

Kylo leaned over the edge of the bed, to the tiny bookcase where they kept their RPG manuals. He looked it up, mostly to waste time, because he knew if Hux said it, it was true. But he also wanted to know what a Revwein looked like. He loved drawing aliens. This one was a plant alien. Shit. He loved it. He wondered how long Hux had known about it.

“She wants to know if Kylo and Hux want to book passage on that slave ship instead.”

“No! I want to buy the ticket off the Revwien. I follow it out of the transport hub and meet it on the street. I ask to buy its tickets.”

“No,” Hux said immediately. “It’s a diplomat from Revyia. It says that it needs the tickets, it was going to take the trip with its favorite life partner.”

“I need them,” Kylo insists. “Hux, can you persuade it?”

“No. Hux doesn't want to. He'd rather go on that slave ship.”

Kylo glanced up. Hux was smirking, looking down at his pad. Kylo hated him.

“Okay. Can I… like, tempt it? Can I use the Force to tell it to give me the tickets?”

“That’s not very heroic, Kylo. You’ll lose one of your Force points for that.”

Force points were something neither of them kept track of. They kept track of Dark Side points for when Kylo’s character inevitably went over, but neither of them were interested in hampering the story by being out of the Force, or having to earn more.

“Fine, whatever. It’s not Dark, right?”

“Yeah. So roll.”

Kylo did. He lost the roll, but not by much.

“The Revwien doesn’t want to give you the tickets, but it seems impressionable. Is there anything else you want to suggest instead?”

“Yeah. Follow me into this alley behind the transport.” He sketched it quickly, the suggestion of a low overhanging roof, crumbling plaster walls, a dumpster, unpaved.

“Hux follows you and the Revwein. He stands at the mouth of the alley and watches for others.”

“Okay. I beat the Revwein to death with the spanner I have hanging on my toolbelt. I hit the switch and turn it on, and the creature catches fire.”

“We never talked about that as a weapon.”

“Is this guy some sort of warrior? He said he was a diplomat, so his health can’t be that high.”

“No. Let’s say… 2D. Moderate.”

“Okay. A diplomat has to be easy. I’m sure they can’t dodge.”

“Fine, whatever. Roll.”

Kylo did. His strength and the rolls were high enough that it was a successful one-hit kill.

“Okay. I incinerate him with the spanner. I take his tickets before they burn up.”

“Hux takes them and looks them over. He tells you that the ship leaves tonight, so there's time to go shopping for new clothes.”

“Hux. I’m not in the mood for shopping.”

“That’s a lie. What kind of clothes do you want to wear?”

Kylo thought about it, staring at the sketch of the alley. “Um. What do capital ship specialists wear? Fancy overalls?”

“How about a formal tunic? In red.”

“Sure.” The act of shopping in-game was tedious, and the two of them would probably fight about it another hour. But Kylo loved designing the clothes for his characters. He began imagining what the formal tunic would look like.

“Okay. I think there's a store in town called Rock Ivory Importers that will have something like that. We can go there, but Kylo has to take off the welding mask he's wearing.”

“What? No I don’t.” Hux often tried to get him to remove his masks. Kylo always insisted on rolling for it, and he always won. His hand reached for the die now. Hux’s foot reached out and pushed against his wrist. His toes were freezing, and Kylo shivered at the feel of the sole of Hux’s foot against his skin. He relished the contact, but covered himself by glowering. Hux was giving him a mild look over his knees.

“Kylo Ren doesn't need it. And he absolutely can't wear a mask if he and Hux are going to try and scam some of the passengers on the _Sunrider_. Kylo Ren is young and good-looking. The lie will work better without the mask.”

Hux held his gaze as he said it. Kylo could feel his heart thumping in his chest. He reminded himself that Hux was talking about his character. He repeated the fact to himself two more times before he withdrew his hand and spoke aloud.

“If you want, Hux. We can do that.”

“Fine. Let’s go to the store and see what they have.”

Kylo huffed, dropping his eyes back down to his sketches. These parts were the worst.

 

 

* * *

 

 

  
Two days later, they had the final fitting for the mascot costumes just before the football game. Kylo and Hux were both disappointed to learn that the first home game of the year involved a parade through the small town. Not even Kylo, whose family had lived there for three generations, had been aware of that. As the mascots, they were required to walk at the head of a procession that consisted of the marching band, cheerleaders, majorettes, and colorguard. The parade ran a half mile, from the high school through the four blocks of red brick buildings that made up the business center of Cumberland and into the packed football stadium. Hux and Kylo carried an enormous banner on a pole between them with the school name and colors on it, and it was generally as embarrassing a spectacle as it could possibly be.

Kylo opted for the giant plaster mascot head to cover his face, but could barely see out of it. It was also incredibly humid and difficult to breathe in, but he was too glad to have his face hidden to take it off. He tripped over potholes three times. He was wearing track shorts and a t-shirt under the Quaker Man costume, but the costume itself was made from heavy wool, and the jacket, short pants, tights, and boots were heavy. He was sweating badly enough that he was sure the jacket would be soaked through by the time they reached the stadium.

Hux had been given a bonnet wide enough to cover his face in profile, and he wore sunglasses during the parade in defiance of the dress code. His Quaker Lady costume looked… great on him. Holdo had tailored it to fit him exactly, and it flattered his narrow torso, slim hips, and long legs. Kylo had watched Hux pull on the cream-colored skintight capri pants he wore under the long black skirt, and he’d nearly passed out. Hux’s dress was one piece that zipped up the back, black and long-sleeved, with a high collar and a hemline that went nearly to the ground. He wore something that Kylo had just been told was a pinafore over it, a white apron-like garment that covered most of the front and fell nearly as long as the skirt.

Between the sunglasses, bonnet, and plaster costume head, Kylo couldn’t see Hux’s face when they were marching in the parade, but he knew Hux had to be just as hot as he was.

When they got to the field, they stood in place awkwardly, holding the banner between them and facing the home bleachers as the marching band played the opening songs behind them on the field. Once the band was done, Snap Wexley had run up and taken their banner, then handed them the huge paper hoop that the football players ran through as their names were announced. After that, when no one handed them anything or took the hoop away, they quickly discarded it near the locker rooms and hid below the visitor’s bleachers.

“Kylo!” Hux hissed, stowing his sunglasses in a pocket of his pinafore and yanking off the bonnet tied under his chin. “I will never forgive you for this.”

Kylo rolled the mascot head carefully off his shoulders. It was heavy. He’d only seen people wearing it a few times, and he knew why. The longer he wore it, the worse it smelled. He wondered how old it was, and how many other people had sweated into it. He undid the hooks on the high collar of his jacket, then yanked the whole thing off and threw it on the ground. He checked his watch. It had been nearly two hours since they’d finished their fitting with Holdo.

Hux was right. This was bad.

“What do you want from me, Hux? Are you going to take the first shower tonight?”

“The first shower? Kylo, I’m going to shower at the school, and I’m going to force you to wait on me while I do it. Then, we’re going to go home, and I’m going to shower again until all the hot water's gone. So I hope you’re ready for that. But that’s now how you’re making this up to me.”

Kylo rolled his eyes. “What, then?”

Kylo glanced through the bleachers, and blanched when a thousand feet began stomping on the metal, generating a deafening metal warble. The band played some jock jam. Something big had happened. Kylo didn’t care.

When the uproar quieted, Hux mopped at his face with his pinafore, then crossed his arms. “You’re driving me up to the Robinson Town Center tomorrow. I want a computer game.”

“A game? Which one?” They often played video games on the weekends. Usually Mario Kart or Street Fighter 2. Hux always won at Mario Kart with Toad, and Kylo refused to play anyone but Bowser. When they switched to Street Fighter, Kylo only played Chun Li, and could beat Hux as any character. To say that they fought when they played these was an understatement. They probably did need a new game.

“Diablo. I’ll bring my computer over, and we’ll network them together.”

Kylo raised his eyebrows, then turned, considering the dirt and his new white tights. He shrugged, then sat down, avoiding the candy wrappers and deciding he’d brush the dust off later. “Do you know how to do that?”

Hux shrugged, leaning against one of the steel support girders, propping a foot against the concrete base. “I’ll ask at the store. I’m sure someone there will know.”

“And what if I don’t want to play Diablo? I don’t even know what that is.”

“Well, after tonight, I think you’re buying both copies, and you’ll play with me. And not complain. For at least two weeks.”

Kylo thinned his lips. “What makes you think I’ll do that?”

Hux pushed the sweaty mess of his hair off his forehead, then, frowning, tied the bonnet back under his chin. It was soaked with sweat and nearly transparent, his red hair clearly visible through the fabric. He held Kylo’s gaze until Kylo looked away.

“I don’t know if I have enough money for both copies.”

“Bullshit. You had hours at your dad’s garage all summer. You have a ton of money.”

That was true, but he had been saving up, planning on using his money to rent a place near wherever Hux went to college next fall. He was paranoid about not having enough, and not having a job. He could get more over the winter break and next summer, and he could also ask his dad for weekend or evening projects if Hux went somewhere expensive like New York City or California.

But he couldn’t tell Hux that. Not right now. Maybe not ever. He wasn’t sure if that was creepy or not. He’d probably still do it, even if Hux didn’t want him to. Just being in the same city as Hux would help, even if he couldn’t see him.

But he could afford two games now. Usually Hux bought everything for the two of them with Brendol’s money. Hux almost never asked him for anything, and Kylo was eager to buy him a gift. He bent over his lap, pretending to think about it, but mostly just hoping Hux couldn’t see his face.

“Okay. Fine. But you have to promise that that’s it.”

“Kylo. Do I?” When Kylo looked back up, Hux was scowling. “How many home games are there this year?”

“Five,” Kylo said defensively.

“There’s five _football_  games. There’s also basketball games. We have to do those apart, for both the boys and girls.”

“No. We’ll do all the basketball games together.” There were a lot of home basketball games, and Kylo panicked at the thought of the two of them never seeing each other. The boys and girls alternated home games for most of the week.

Hux wrinkled his nose. “Do they do that with the mascots? I thought it was one of us each for the boys and girls.”

“I don’t give a shit. Do you?”

Hux shrugged. “Not really.”

There was a deafening clatter, and a boo from the audience. Cheering from above them. The visiting team, the Beavers, had scored a touchdown. They waited until the cheering subsided, but then Kylo couldn’t think of anything to say. He looked off to the side, listening to the murmuring of the crowd, and wiped at the sweat rolling down his neck.

“I’m thirsty,” he said. “Do they give us free pop?”

“Why don’t you go to the concession and find out?”

Kylo didn’t really want to, so he fell silent again. Hux perched himself on the concrete pedestal at the base of the support column, and pulled a novel from his pinafore. Of course he brought a paperback to read. Kylo couldn’t read the cover from here.

“Which one is that?”

“ _Neuromancer_.”

“Haven’t you read that, like, three times?”

“Are you the Library police?”

“Hux. I know the plot of _Neuromancer_ , and I haven’t even read it. Aren’t you tired of it?”

“You know what? You’re right. Let me just run out and pick something else out. I'm not busy right now.”

“You’ve told _me_  the entire plot more than once. It can't be fun to read anymore.”

A sharp voice interrupted them then, making Kylo jump in surprise. “What are you two doing under here? Mister Solo, where is your uniform?”

Kylo glared over his shoulder at Mr. Canady, angry that he'd found them. Kylo had forgotten Canady was one of the assistant football coaches - he was wearing a white and powder blue sweatervest salvaged from 1956, which was what passed for the coach’s uniform. Apparently the uniform regulations also allowed him a cap to cover his thinning hair.

Kylo opened his mouth to respond, but Hux sprung up between them and interjected before Kylo inevitably did something to get himself thrown out of school.

“It’s hot out, sir, and we marched all the way here in these heavy costumes.” He plucked at his high collar for emphasis. Somehow, Hux was still completely dressed, bonnet included. “We thought it would be okay to take a break so we didn’t pass out.”

“There’s water in the coolers near the bench. You’re under the visitor’s side. Hiding.”

Hux laughed easily. Kylo could tell it was fake, but Canady seemed to buy it. “It was more restful over here.”

“Now that you’ve taken your break, you can get back to the home side and lead the cheers with the cheerleaders. We’re losing out there, and we need all the help we can get.”

Canady turned and left, and Kylo’s scowl followed him back on the field.

“Do you think he knows how stupid that sounded? Does he really believe  _cheering_  will make a difference?”

“Sports are an act of faith,” Hux answered primly, smoothing the front of his costume.

Kylo rolled his eyes. “Sports are about skill, Hux. The best team wins.”

“Then why are we here in one hundred year old mascot costumes, Kylo?”

Kylo scowled again, standing and brushing at the back of his pants. They were still damp with sweat, so the dust was probably stuck to them. He winced when he realized his white stockings were also muddy, then shook his head and began pulling his jacket back on.

“I’m sure you’ll tell me,” Kylo muttered, unable to come up with any kind of comeback.

“It’s because people like Canady believe it will help. And some of them play football.”

“I never even noticed the mascots or cheerleaders when I played.” He lifted his chin, then swore when he pinched the skin of his throat with the last hook on his collar.

“That’s because you were actually good at it.” Hux sighed, tucking his paperback back into a pocket of the pinafore. “Fine. Come on, let’s go.”

“How are we going to lead a cheer?”

“I plan on standing there. Let’s see if we can get Canady to demonstrate for us.”

“He’s not doing anything else.” Kylo stared into the bottom of the plaster head. He hesitated, then slipped it on. “Hux. They’re gonna make fun of us.” The marching band already had. Most of them had whistled when Kylo and Hux came out of the school to take their places in front of the parade. And the band was wearing heavy wool uniforms with cartoon versions of the mascots on them, along with _spats_.

“Shut up and put your head on.” Hux reached over, straightening it for Kylo, then seeking his eyes out through the eyeholes. “Who cares if they make fun of us? Someone has to do it. Most of them have already forgotten it's us. And at least your face is covered. Just pretend you’re someone else.” Hux slapped the side of the plaster head, then turned to lead the way from under the bench.

Kylo wondered if Hux ever pretended he was a different person. If he did, who would he be? Hux was already smart, good-looking, and could talk anyone into anything. He could insult people instead of getting angry at them. In terms of pretending to be someone else, it didn’t get much better than that.

So what was Hux’s fantasy?

 _A married couple_ , it hit him with a jolt. Just like the game. The couple’s cruise that Hux had suggested. Pretending that their characters were a couple. Was that Hux’s fantasy?

Of course it wasn’t.

Hux would move away, leave Kylo behind, and find someone better. It hurt, but it was true. That was probably Hux’s fantasy.

Kylo sniffed, then followed Hux out into the harsh artificial light of the stadium, the noise of the crowd pushing in around him.

 


	2. Winter

When Hux came over to Kylo's house one evening in mid-October, Kylo made sure that dinner was ready for both of them.

“Smells good,” Hux offered as he removed his coat. “Is Leia home?”

“No, just me. Mom called this afternoon though, said she’d be back this weekend.”

Hux made a sound of acknowledgment as he entered the kitchen, then peered curiously into the oven.

“It’s… casserole,” Kylo said, a little defensively. He hated casserole, but couldn’t think of anything else to make. They fought over dinner if there weren't any leftovers, and he'd thought to try and make something else while Hux was doing his homework. He'd found beef and noodles and sauce, and Hux always insisted on vegetables, so he’d used beans and red sauce and a can of mushrooms. It was the most complicated thing he'd ever made himself, and he was nervous.

He’d thought about going to the store. He should have gone on the way home, he’d known they were running out of groceries. But he’d been so preoccupied with his workout routines lately. Kylo had kept up with his early morning runs, even in the cold, and had been dedicating longer periods to lifting weights and general exercise in the afternoons. Despite his increased efforts, weeks of diligence had not lowered his weight, and he was growing frustrated. But it was cold enough now that he could wear as many baggy layers as he wanted.

He should eat less, maybe see if the library had healthy cookbooks. But instead, he made casserole, and he was starving. Kylo turned off the oven and removed the pan, stomach growling.

“Okay,” Hux said simply, then grabbed a spatula to dish it up. When Hux didn’t offer any immediate opinion on the food, Kylo sat down and let Hux serve him. 

The texture was brown and glutinous, and the first bite burned his tongue. He swore, took a sip of water, then chewed more carefully, trying to decide if he liked it. It was... fine, but still wasn’t Kylo’s favorite thing. At least it wasn’t bad, or dried out. Mostly just slimy and flavorless. But the mushrooms were good.

“Is it okay?” he asked, stabbing a mushroom with the end of his fork and blowing on it. The question came out too eager, so he shoved the bite into his mouth, burning his tongue again. When Hux glanced up, he went further, trying for more indifference. “I don’t like casserole, but I couldn’t think of anything else to make."

“It’s fine,” Hux said, looking surprised. He began poking at the noodles, studying the contents of the casserole more carefully.

“You can tell me the truth. I won’t- I don’t care,” Kylo said, worried that Hux thought he would lose his temper. Which he probably would. And he did care. Which Hux could guess. “I won’t make it again if you don’t like it.”

“Kylo. It’s fine.” Hux’s tone was annoyed now, because of course Kylo had pushed the stupid fucking casserole too hard. Angry at himself, Kylo looked down at his bowl and decided not to talk the rest of the night.

“Listen. I should-” Hux paused, and Kylo glanced up. Hux was staring furiously into his casserole, then ate another small bite before speaking again, looking up and affecting his usual expression of indifference. “You made dinner. I appreciate it.”

Kylo stared at him. This was the closest he’d ever heard Hux come to a thank you. “Uh. Mom’s been gone. So. Someone had to.”

“She’s been gone often, and we could eat frozen pizza every day. But you decided to cook. So. Yes. It’s appreciated.”

The moment was painfully awkward. The only response Kylo could think of was a retort about Hux's astonishing level of gratitude, but Hux had struggled to say it - he was an asshole - so Kylo let it go.

Hux cleared his throat and began picking at his bowl again. He was blushing, which was always obvious and made him look especially flustered, but Kylo imagined it was probably from the hot food. Kylo cut a noodle with his fork and tried to get the conversation going again.

“It’s not like I’m any good at it. I just used what we had lying around. Besides. Next y-” He stopped himself, glancing up at Hux again. That would have been giving too much away, to say he’d wanted to learn to cook for them. For Hux. Hux would think that was creepy, and he'd stop coming over to eat. “I’ll need it next year, when I move out.”

“You’re not going anywhere, at this rate,” Hux replied sharply. Kylo stiffened, knowing what was coming next, and he met Hux’s stare sullenly.

“Kylo, your grades are wretched. You know you have to keep them up until you get accepted into college. You'll still be living with your mother next year if you don't try harder now.”

Kylo had hated schoolwork, and school, for as long as he’d been forced to go. Hux had always drug him through his classes and homework, with much shouting and fighting, to keep his grades above 88%. It was thankless (Kylo had certainly never thanked him for it), but Hux did it anyway, because Hux was stubborn and had never given up on anything in his life.

They’d been in the same remedial first grade class when Hux moved in at age seven, but for second grade, they’d been in separate classes when Hux was transferred to the more advanced class. That year, Hux had done spelling and handwriting and math exercises with him for hours every night, and they’d been in the same third grade class the next year. After that, Hux had always browbeaten Kylo about his school work.

Hux had stopped his academic bullying this year, which had been a relief to Kylo. He'd assumed Hux's usual energies were taken up by college admissions and keeping his own grades up. Meanwhile, giving up on school had been one of the best things that had ever happened to Kylo. He’d stopped doing any homework or studying, and Hux hadn’t mentioned it until now.

He resented the reminder. “Next year my mother will be living in Charleston,” Kylo answered sharply. “She’d love to have me.”

Hux’s face went pale, and his hand holding the fork stilled. “What?”

“That's what she said. She’s been going back and forth ever since she got elected as a delegate, but she’s been involved in a lot more committee activity since then, too. Fundraising. Social stuff. So she’s moving once I graduate, and said I could come with her.”

“What about-” Hux shook his head, glancing to the side for a moment. “What about Han? That job at his garage is the only thing you actually like, besides drawing and-” Hux gestured to his chest, narrowing his eyes. "Lifting weights."

Kylo ignored the jab. “Han’s not going to move to Charleston with Chewie, if that’s what you’re asking.”

“Kylo. With your grades now, you’ll be lucky to get into Northern Community College, let alone West Virginia State. What are you going to do in Charleston? Have you decided where you want to go? Have you sent any applications, or taken the SATs? Do you even know what you want to study?”

Kylo tightened his grip on his fork and stared down at his bowl. Questions all at once like that automatically set off his temper, and he tried hard not to snap at Hux.

Kylo had given up on state college when he got kicked off the track team. He’d vaguely pictured himself getting a sports scholarship and doing college that way, but with sports out of the equation, college no longer appealed to him. He didn’t want to tell Hux that. Hux, the biggest fan of Kylo’s educational career, wouldn’t take it well.

Kylo thinned his lips and stared defiantly at Hux. “You sound like Krennic.” Krennic was the counselor. Kylo hated him, he had an oily kind of fakeness to him. He’d spoken to Kylo more than once this year, and Kylo had simply shut him out.

Hux laid his fork down. “That’s because-” Hux rolled his eyes, waving a hand dismissively. “You know what? Forget it. Why should I care what you do next year? You don’t.”

This hurt, and Kylo got up to refill his bowl to hide his expression. He badly wanted Hux to care. But Hux was such an asshole about everything, and Kylo let himself be angry about that instead.

“And where are you going, Hux? What are you studying?”

“I got a few more acceptance letters last week,” Hux said evasively. It was the same thing he always told his father over the phone, when he called and asked to speak to Hux. They’d talked about this a lot. Brendol wanted Hux to go to West Point. As far as Kylo knew, Hux had passed the physical examination, but hadn't been accepted yet. He hadn’t done their summer program last year, which had caused a huge fight between Hux and his father. But Brendol hadn’t been around to do anything about it, so Hux had simply stayed at Kylo’s house.

“Seriously, Hux? You can’t tell me where you’re going? Me?” Kylo turned around, almost throwing his partially full bowl onto the counter. “Fine. I guess I’ll just clean up the dinner we had together, like we do every night. Then I’ll go up to the bedroom we’ve shared for ten years, and draw for the game we play together every night. Let me know when you want to go to bed, and I’ll make sure to ignore the reading light you keep on.” Kylo’s voice had risen, and he was gripping the edge of the kitchen counter hard enough that he heard it creak ominously.

“Fuck’s sake, stop being dramatic. Sit down and finish your food,” Hux snapped, dropping his face into a hand in frustration, not looking at Kylo.

Kylo thought about leaving anyway, then felt ridiculous standing and threatening Hux in the kitchen. He had a bad moment where he hated Hux for making him feel so ridiculous. But it passed, and his temper abated abruptly, as it always did, and he finished refilling his bowl and sat back down at the table.

He couldn’t stay angry at Hux when they had so little time left together. And it would be weird to tell Hux he wanted to follow him to wherever he went to college.

Which. Of course it was weird.

He hated that he had no idea where Hux was going after the school year, that he couldn’t plan ahead, that he couldn’t admit why he wanted to know. That the thought of Hux leaving kept him up at night.

He constantly thought about telling Hux that he couldn’t stand it if Hux left without him. That it was getting colder and every day it was harder to get out of bed, because every miserable day was one of their last together.

Hux would laugh at him, and possibly move permanently back into his own house if he knew how Kylo really felt. That he loved him. That Hux was everything to him, and he was trying to learn to cook so Hux couldn’t actually live without him. He didn’t think his talent for drawing Hux’s characters would be enough to keep them together. Other things might, though. Maybe Hux would move out and realize that he needed Kylo to cook for him and talk to him and generally be around all the time.

Kylo didn’t really do anything else.

Some days, it felt like he’d die if he didn’t tell Hux how he felt. Or worse, how much he _wanted_ Hux. That realization had dawned slowly, without Kylo realizing the full implications of why he only ever saw Hux on the rare occasions he touched himself. Picturing Hux naked always felt so forbidden. He didn't even have to imagine it, they’d seen each other naked plenty of times. Not really in the last year or so, though. Probably because Kylo had somehow made it weird.

It was too much, sometimes. He was upset now, and he was having a hard time swallowing the last of his food. He kept talking, hoping it would hide how miserable he felt, but he didn’t look at Hux.

“I saw Korrie talking to you after physics today. What did she want?”

“Oh,” Hux’s voice took on a far-off tone, preemptively dismissing this topic of conversation. “She asked me to the Halloween dance on Friday. Said she knew she was late, and assumed I was already going with someone else.”

Kylo glanced up through his eyelashes. “Aren’t you?”

Hux snorted. “Kylo. When was the last time I went to a school dance? Or expressed any interest whatsoever?”

“But you always get asked,” Kylo insisted.

“I’m sure you’ve had your share of invitations,” Hux said lightly. “Paige and Meetra asked me to this one, too.”

“No. No one asked me,” Kylo said darkly.

Kylo should have known that’s what Korrie was asking. Hux always got asked to dances. Even though neither of them had ever attended one, the fact that Hux got asked and Kylo didn’t had always made Kylo a sick mix of jealous and depressed. Depressed, because he was obviously not good-looking enough to be in Hux’s league.

Of course Hux was better-looking, and got asked even though he was the school’s resident asshole. Kylo’s looks were comical at best, he’d gained weight, and had such a bad temper that he was one fight away from getting expelled. No one spoke to Kylo, and Hux knew that.

“Forget it,” Hux replied, his voice strained, his eyes cast down at his empty bowl, where his fork scraped through the last of his casserole.

Kylo felt his face heating, and hated himself. Hux always changed the subject when Kylo's self-esteem plummeted. Somehow, he knew.

“Dating anyone at school feels wrong anyway,” Hux continued, obviously trying to lighten the mood. “I mean, we grew up together. It’s impossible to want to date any of them without thinking of all the stupid things that happened when we were kids. I can’t take Korrie to a dance, because I'd have to think about how she licked the mud off those rocks on a dare in third grade.” He stood, taking his bowl over to the sink to rinse off, his tone growing lighter. “If I think about dancing with Meetra, I’m only going to think about how that goat spit on her by the playground at Western Elementary.”

“It feels wrong,” Kylo repeated, staring at Hux’s back, watching his shoulders move under his neatly-fitted collared shirt. If Kylo ever did tell Hux how he felt, that was the kindest rejection he could think of. Hux probably thought they were like brothers, because they’d always practically lived together. They’d known each other since they were seven. And it felt like Kylo had loved him that entire time.

And that was the _kindest_  rejection Kylo could think of. Hux never did anything the kindest way.

“Do you want to go to the Halloween dance, Kylo?” Hux asked.

All the blood rushed to Kylo’s face again, and he had to look away from Hux’s back quickly. That couldn’t be what it sounded like. Hux definitely wasn’t asking him.

Hux continued. “I supposed I never asked if you ever wanted to go to a dance. I always assumed that wasn’t your thing. If you wanted to, you should have said something. We’ll go together.”

Kylo’s clenched his hands in his lap, and could barely feel anything except how fast his heart was beating. Was Hux- Was Hux really asking him to the dance? Would they really go together, if Kylo said yes?

Kylo felt like he couldn’t say anything, so silence hung between them.

Hux broke it, casual as ever. “People would get a kick out of the Quaker Husband and Wife going together, wouldn’t they?” Hux glanced over his shoulder, a smirk quirking one side of his mouth, before he turned back around and grabbed the towel to dry his bowl. “Nevermind. Let’s do the dishes and go upstairs.”

Kylo’s heart felt like it would explode. Hux’s ‘we’ll go together’ echoed in his mind over and over again. He felt like he would betray himself if he stood, so he put his face down, turning to the wall so Hux couldn’t see his expression.

Mercifully, Hux murmured something about doing the dishes himself, and took Kylo’s bowl away while Kylo stared listlessly at the tabletop, his attention caught on a smear of sauce.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“Thank you for the meal, Ms. Organa.”

Hux wiped the corners of his mouth primly with the paper towels they were using as napkins. Hux was the only one who bothered to leave his in his lap through the meal, probably to annoy Kylo’s mom. She didn’t stand on ceremony at home, but Hux always insisted. Kylo huffed as he scavenged through the cupboard containing the empty butter containers they used for leftovers, resigning himself to a lengthy search for a bowl that was the right size and the lid that matched it. It was snowing out, visible through the tiny window over the kitchen sink, but the kitchen was warm and humid from the oven, and every light above the stove and sink was turned on to banish all the dark corners. It was Thanksgiving, and felt like the right kind of family holiday.

Leia had come home the night before to spend Thanksgiving with them. All three had gone on a harrowing, argument-filled trip to the grocery store to restock the house with food. Leia and Hux had a bizarre antagonistic relationship masked with politeness and tolerance that had only grown worse over the years. Neither could resist needling the other, and it was annoying to be around them together for any length of time. Kylo still couldn’t tell whether they hated each other or enjoyed whatever that was.

Kylo had been in a bad mood. There had been a basketball game, because there was always a basketball game, and he couldn't play in them anymore. He had to watch, and be the fucking mascot. He’d been angry enough that Hux had shouted at him to stay home, but Kylo didn’t want to waste time they could spend together. Thinking of Hux being gone had made him even angrier, and they hadn't spoken through the whole game. Leia had been Leia when she got back from Charleston, asking too many questions, and having both her and Hux politely managing his temper had almost been too much.

Leia had been the one to cook the Thanksgiving dinner. Kylo had thought about offering - he could cook at least as well as she could now, and he felt bad about sulking the night before after not seeing her for so long. But he’d slipped out for his early morning run, and when he’d returned, she’d insisted on making him breakfast in her robe and slippers, and they’d sat at the table together in silence while she drank her coffee and read an old newspaper, and it had felt… good. Peaceful. And he decided he did want her to cook, unless she asked for help.

Not that the dinner required much cooking.

“Armitage, it was a dry turkey roast, Stovetop stuffing, and instant pudding. If your father knew what we were eating for Thanksgiving, he’d never let you back over here.” She tipped back on the rear legs of her old chair, causing it to creak ominously. She was dressed far more casually than the stylishly-cut business suits that were her usual, but not by much - she still wore a gray turtleneck cashmere sweater and black slacks. The rest of the house was cold, the old baseboard heating system still not turned up high enough for the weather.

“And enough with the _Ms. Organa_  and your manners. It’s our last Thanksgiving together while you’re in high school. Can’t you call me Leia? Finally? As a gift to me?”

“No, Ms. Organa. It wouldn’t be polite,” Hux said, standing from the table and clearing the plates. It was an old argument, but Hux and Leia were both oddly earnest. Kylo intervened before the usual fight began.

“I’ve been cooking lately. Teaching myself,” Ben mumbled. The search through the containers had been only partially successful. He’d found a bowl and lid that were mismatched brands, but still seemed to fit. He wondered what voters would say if they knew one of the State Delegates didn’t have real tupperware.

“I know, Ben. Thank you,” his mother answered, tone careful, as if she was making a conscious effort to compliment Kylo. _Humor_  him. It was familiar, something she did to avoid a fight. Kylo hated it. He spilled the grease from the roast as he added it to the large container.

“I wish you could have convinced your father to come today. He’s welcome, you know.”

“ _Yes_ , I told him.” This was another old argument. His father and mother were separated, though not divorced. His father had moved in with his business partner Chewie when Kylo started high school, for reasons that were still not clear to Kylo. Neither of his parents had ever spoken of it, and he’d never asked. His mom and dad still saw each other and spoke frequently, but Kylo probably talked to Han more now that Leia was away so often. He still had regular hours at his dad’s garage over the weekend.

His dad had also been the cook in the house. Kylo, Hux, and Leia had all regretted it bitterly when he moved out. Thanksgiving was especially hard.

“He said he and Chewie were going to visit Mara, Lowie, and Sirra.”

Leia’s voice pitched lower. “How are they doing?”

“Fine.” Kylo didn’t know. Mirra was Chewie’s sister-in-law, Lowie and Sirra his niece and nephew. Chewie’s brother Kal had died earlier in the year. They hadn’t talked about it. He assumed if they were doing badly, he would have heard. Lowie was ten, Sirra was eight.

There was another awkward pause, probably Kylo’s fault. He threw the tub of leftover roast into the refrigerator without looking at anyone. Hux took the pan and filled the sink with hot water, soaping and scrubbing it as the basin filled. Kylo heard his mother shift in her seat again. “How’s your father doing, Armitage?”

“Fine. He left again last week, but he'll only be gone another week. We’re going back to the UK during the winter break to see my aunts.”

“That sounds great. Are you spending Christmas there?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“ _Armitage_.”

Kylo glanced over to see Hux roll his eyes. “Yes, Ms. Organa. With Delia and Mara and my cousins.”

“Do they live together?”

“No. We’ll be in Swansea for a week, then Belfast for two.”

“Will you get to see your Aunt Rae while you’re there?”

Hux’s hand stilled for a moment as he dried the pan. “No. My father still isn’t in contact with my mother’s side of the family.”

“I suppose it would be too much to ask your father to let you visit her. She's the only one that still speaks to you, isn't she?”

“Mmm.” Hux made a noncommittal noise as he quickly scrubbed the pot for the stuffing.

“Three weeks, though. I don’t know what Ben will do without you.”

Kylo turned and glared at his mother, clutching the serving spoon in his fist.

“What? Do you have any other friends? I’ve never met them.” His mother wore her best calm political expression, and rocked back even further back in her chair. Infuriating.

Kylo spun back around, dropping the spoon into the sink with Hux’s dishes, splashing them both with hot soapy water. When Hux inhaled sharply, Kylo turned away and grabbed the disposable foil pie pan, crushing the edge out of shape. “I’ll be working at dad’s shop. Saving money.”

“How practical of you. Will you finally send out your college applications? You know you’ll get in at Ohio and Penn State, and probably even Ohio Valley. Your grades are good enough. Or _were_. You should take your ACT again, too.”

Hux glared at him. Kylo didn’t meet his eyes, and didn’t reply to his mother. He looked sullenly down at the rest of the pie. They’d quartered it, and there was a piece left, a chocolate pudding pie in graham cracker crust. It had lost its shape when Kylo squeezed the pan, and the crushed foil was now full of graham cracker crumbs swimming in globs of chocolate pudding. He grabbed a clean spoon and began eating it so that he didn’t have to have this conversation. Leia made an annoyed sound, but turned to Hux.

“Armitage, have you decided where to go?”

“Not quite. I still have a few more applications to send out.”

“You must have applied to every school in the tri-state area by now.”

“I have. Along with several more.”

“Well. Let me know when you decide. I _really_  don’t know what Ben will do without you. What does your father say?”

“West Point.”

“Of course he does.” Her voice came out flat. She took a breath, obviously willing the specter of Brendol Hux away. It was the second time she'd brought him up, and Leia was obviously doing her best not to spoil the holiday by complaining too much about him.

“It’s a good school. Were you accepted?”

“Yes.”

Kylo focused on the pie, forcing his hand to keep moving, forcing himself to concentrate on eating rather than that piece of news. He hadn’t known Hux had actually been accepted to West Point. That was… not ideal. He would probably be going, if that's what Brendol wanted. If Hux went to West Point, that would… he could move to New York, but that would be expensive. He’d already looked at a couple real estate magazines from other schools Hux had applied to. And West Point was a military school, so Hux wouldn’t be able to live with him, right? Hux would have to live on campus. They’d have to. Just meet on Hux’s days off for awhile, which would be fine. They could do that. Kylo would make it work.

He swallowed the last bite of pie. Hux plucked the fork and empty pie tray from his hands, glaring at him, turning to toss the fork in the sink and the empty pie tray in the garbage can.

“Congratulations, Armitage!” His mother continued, not knowing how this news had crushed him. “That’s such an honor. I’m sure you’ll do well there.”

Her reaction sounded a bit forced, her tone too much like the Fake Polite voice she used for speaking to people she didn’t like. Kylo turned to look at her, wondering why she would object to West Point. Every teacher in the school would be thrilled to know Armitage was going there. They’d probably have a party when word got out.

“I hope so, Ms. Organa,” Hux continued smoothly, draining the sink and not looking at either of them again. “But I have a few more schools I want to hear from first.”

“You have to be running out of schools by now. And there aren’t many that would be better than West Point.” She tipped her chair forward again, resting her elbows on the table and looking at him thoughtfully. “I’m sure your father would have something to say about going elsewhere if you were accepted at West Point. But if you were applying in New York, did you try Yale and Harvard, too?”

Hux smiled thinly. “Still thinking about it, Ms. Organa.”

“Well,” Kylo interrupted loudly, not wanting to hear any more of this. “Hux and I are going to go upstairs, mom. Thanks for dinner.”

“We aren’t watching a movie together? I was looking forward to it after last year. And you always used to watch the games with Han before that.”

Hux and Kylo stared at her. Kylo had never actually liked watching football. Hux had disappeared for it every time, reliably. But it was true that they had watched movies together since Han had moved out. Kylo had forgotten.

Still, he pushed down the guilt. There wasn’t a lot of time left to spend alone with Hux. “I promised Hux we would play a game today.”

“You play a game every day.”

“Not lately. Because of the basketball games,” he answered sharply, looking away. He bit back the second part, which was about her not being home to know that.

Leia thinned her lips, her expression making it clear she’d heard it anyway. “I don’t get to come home very often, Ben. It would make me happy if I could see more of you.”

“Give us two hours, Ms. Organa,” Hux interjected. “I’ll make sure we’re finished by eight. We’ll watch whatever you want.”

Leia’s brows went up. “Whatever I want?”

Kylo made a noise, and Hux clamped a hand on his shoulder and squeezed hard. “Whatever you want.”

“You’ll regret it.”

There was a particular look in her eye that made Kylo realize that they really, really would. “We aren’t watching _The Full Monty_ , mom. No one would vote for you any more if they found out we watched that together.”

“I won’t tell if you don’t.”

“Mom,” Kylo blurted, exasperated. “None of those guys are even hot.”

Kylo’s mouth snapped shut after he realized what he’d said. He grimaced, mortified. Hux turned to look at him, his hand still on his shoulder. Leia laughed.

“I think that’s the point, Ben. But we can watch something _prettier_  if you want. Is _Interview With a Vampire_  better?”

“Mo-”

“Whatever you want, Ms. Organa." Hux interrupted him. "I haven’t seen that.”

Kylo was belligerent. “Hux, you’re full of shit, you came to the theater to watch it with us!”

“I don’t remember,” he said blandly, facing Kylo, then dragging him up the stairs to their room. “We’ll be upstairs, Ms. Solo.”

“Whatever, _Master_  Hux.” She stood, waving them off impatiently as she went to the sink and used a dishrag to wipe the table and countertops. A moment later, Kylo heard the TV flip on and a laugh track rise up the stairway before Hux pulled him into the bedroom and slammed the door.

Kylo suddenly remembered what he’d said downstairs, and turned to look at Hux, his face burning. “I didn’t mean-”

“Are you ready to play?” Hux interrupted him again, grabbing his notebook off the desk and climbing into the giant bed, propping himself up against the headboard and pile of pillows. He made a show of studying his own writing, rather than looking at Kylo. “I wanted more than two hours, but your mom’s right. She’s never home. We’ll watch a movie with her later.”

He did glance up then, his expression neutral, but obviously waiting for Kylo to resume the game. His eyes were so blue, and he’d worn a thin sweater that complimented him so well - the neutral gray and blue brought out the color of his eyes and hair, and it clung to him, showing off the slim line of his chest and arms. Hux hadn't flipped on the overhead light, just the lamp next to the bed, and it cast shadows on one side of his face, threw his silhouette against the wall next to the bed.

This would all end soon, and Kylo had to turn away to hide his expression, forcing himself to glower at the stack of sketchbooks on his desk. “In a couple weeks, you’re not going to be home, either. It’s not fair.”

Kylo didn’t need to look at Hux to know he’d rolled his eyes. “Please, Kylo. Spend the next two hours pouting about having to watch a movie with your mother. Do you want to be left alone? I’ll go down and fight with her instead.”

“Whatever,” he muttered. He gripped the side of the desk and closed his eyes, forcing himself to breathe out and be calm. He tried to let the anger go. He was trying so hard, and Hux was right. He didn’t want to ruin their game time. Hux’s father had been back for nearly three weeks this month, and Hux hadn’t been sleeping over as often. They had the basketball games almost every night, and Kylo had been working more hours with Han on Saturdays.

He had Hux now. He would enjoy it.

He opened his eyes, now seriously considering his stack of sketchbooks. He had a larger one he’d begun using for landscape and scenery, trying to push himself to be more creative. He was good at drawing characters, and thought his fashion and clothing looked great. He loved doing all of it. But he was miserable at backgrounds, and anything that wasn’t part of a person - buildings and vehicles and things. He tried to push Hux for more descriptions so he could draw more of it.

His hand lingered over the character sketch pad though. Drawing his and Hux’s characters would make him feel better, and he wouldn’t have to be frustrated when the scenery didn’t turn out the way he wanted. He turned to the stand next to the desk and quickly scanned the cassettes, his hand lingering briefly before he shoved Nirvana's _Bleach_ into the player, cranking the volume down so his mother wouldn’t hear it downstairs.

Satisfied, he stretched himself out across the foot of the bed as _Blew_  began to play quietly.

Hux made a face, and opened his mouth to object - he reliably complained about Nirvana - but Kylo interrupted him. “Where were we?” he asked, laying back and propping his sketch pad on his knees, looking up at it as he flipped through the pages. He reached back and grabbed the pencil case off the floor. The pencil he liked best was too dull, but he was too lazy to get up and sharpen it.

He felt immediately better.  It wasn't quite right - they only had two hours to play, and Hux was wearing a charcoal-colored dress shirt over dress slacks, overly formal to annoy Leia at dinner, but not the familiar silk lounging outfit he wore to play games. Kylo was wearing his usual wide-legged black jeans and a long-sleeve t-shirt, though for games, he usually dressed down into pajamas. Still, Hux looked good, Kylo felt good, and neither of them were at school or at a basketball game.

Hux looked angry, and Kylo stifled a grin. Hux resented having to remind Kylo where the last session had ended.

“Inspector Ren and Safety Officer Hux had just been paid by Fetlyn Koroban.”

“And?”

“Well. What does Kylo Ren want to do with it?”

“I don’t care. You pick.”

“ _Kylo_.”

Kylo raised his eyebrows. “How much longer do we have before we get _caught_ , Hux?”

They were currently impersonating Imperial safety inspectors. Hux’s character did all the talking, and Kylo’s character would sabotage the ships in ways that would cause them to fail inspection and necessitate a “bribe” to pass. They’d done it three times, and it was a lot of fun.

The risk of getting caught was mostly up to Hux, of course, who never wanted to talk about his story plans for their games. He said it took the mystery out of it. Kylo hated walking into one of Hux’s story traps, because it always made him feel stupid.

When Hux remained silent, Kylo sighed, turning back to his sketchpad and trying to remember what Fetlyn Koroban had looked like. Had she been a Miralan or something? “Fine. If we go to another port on a different planet, how much will we have left over?”

“That depends on where Ren and Hux want to go.”

“What difference does it make?”

“If they go _far_ , they’re less likely to get caught, but have to spend more money.” His tone was testy. He also hated having to explain story points explicitly. Kylo would sometimes ask questions like this all night, just to wind Hux up.

Tonight, the tone annoyed him. He wasn't in the mood for condescension. “Fine. I don’t care. Let’s go to a planet that’s _in the middle_.” He waved his hand. “You take care of the tickets and stuff. I don’t care. Surprise me when I get there.”

“All right.” Hux smirked, rolling the die. “I failed the negotiation for the tickets. We’re leaving on the…” He consulted his notes for a moment. “The _Vainglorious_ , for the planet La Kai Prine. It’s a passenger transport, so there will be a lot of beings aboard. La Kai Prine is pretty close to this system, but since Kylo and Hux have only run one scam in this sector and the ship wasn’t local, the risk should be low. Hux had to spend all the money on tickets, though.”

“ _Hux_.”

Hux shrugged, still smirking. “You asked.”

He scribbled facial tattoos on Fetlyn Koroban, alternating dark geometric patterns. “And what the hell does _vainglorious_  mean?”

“It’s used when someone is too proud of themselves. Like when-”

“Nevermind,” he interrupted, forgetting how much Hux liked to explain _vocabulary words_. “My tools are already with me, and I’m wearing my fake Imperial uniform. I don’t feel like going back to the hotel for any of the stuff there, there wasn't anything worth selling anyway." Selling stuff with Hux was a lot of work, and Kylo enjoyed skipping it whenever he could. "Let’s just board the ship.”

“Okay. Kylo and Hux have a paid passage, so they can board without any problems. Since they’re wearing Imperial Safety Officer uniforms, the crew and other passengers keep a distance. They are shown into their private quarters.”

“Private quarters?”

“I told you, I failed the negotiation roll. The tickets Hux had to buy were for a luxury passage, so they have to travel in the Master suite.”

“How long is the trip?”

“Three hours.”

Kylo was quiet for a moment. He hadn’t looked at the dice when Hux rolled, but Hux’s character had high bargaining and con skills. High enough that he wouldn’t have failed badly enough to lose all their money.

But, what this meant was… “So we need to kill three hours in a room by ourselves.”

“Yes. When the doors are closed and locked, Hux becomes bored. He removes his tunic.”

Kylo, waiting for a story cue that he could sketch, turned to a blank page quickly and took the opportunity to draw Hux’s character, and essentially Hux, wearing only the lower half of an imperial uniform. He kept Hux’s thin build to spite him - Hux hated it when his characters were skinny enough to be him - but Kylo gave him more definition in his chest and abdomen than Hux had.

He wondered if Hux would say anything about the torso he was sketching. He almost never did.

“I sit down on the bed and watch.”

“Hux doesn’t like to be watched. He begins to unhook the collar and shoulder of Kylo Ren’s tunic.”

They’d begun doing this more often in their games. Hux found ways to work in scenes like this that were inevitably part of the plot, somehow. When the skill rolls Kylo made to sabotage the ships were too good, Hux would claim they needed to take more time to make the inspection seem more realistic.

It was probably cheating, but Kylo couldn’t bring himself to say anything about it.

It had all started with the couples cruise months ago, when they’d had to stay together and pretend to be a married couple. That had lasted longer than the cruise itself. Hux had written in job cues from beings they met on that ship, so the couples ruse had continued. Sometimes, intervals between missions would mean they'd have to waste a day, and their characters would go on a date. They very specifically shared quarters in this campaign, for reasons that weren’t entirely clear to Kylo.

Kylo would have liked the fake relationship more if Hux expressed any sort of extra interest in them. But his expression and tone of voice didn’t waver when he described their characters making out, and it was infuriating. Kylo would run out of things to say in these types of scenes, torn between pleasure and embarrassment, and simply _confused_ , but he also never wanted Hux to stop the fantasy. When Kylo inevitably stopped going back and forth with Hux during these types of scenes, Hux would continue by himself with both characters, sometimes for ten minutes.

Kylo never knew how to respond. He was always torn between letting Hux continue and stopping him to ask why he was doing it. Fear stopped the latter, because what if Hux said that it was just to make the story more interesting? Kylo didn’t think he’d be able to hide the fact he wanted it in real life, if it came up.

And Hux was so, so good at the descriptions. They were lurid fantasies for Kylo, and he’d replayed the scenes dozens of times in his head, usually for a frustrated shower masturbation session. Sometimes he’d claim to need the bathroom during the games and do it then, unable to wait.

Hux was _very_  good at it.

But Kylo wasn’t in the mood to be teased today, so he tried to see what would happen if he stopped it. “I put my hands on Hux’s wrist to stop him. The ship’s too cold to take the tunic off.” He didn’t look at Hux, only worked on the torso on his sketch pad. The muscles weren’t right. There were too many, too obvious.

“Hux says that he can think of a way to get warmer, and leans in to kiss Kylo Ren. It’s a long kiss, and Hux pushes his tongue into Kylo Ren’s mouth. Kylo Ren’s mouth is very warm, and his lips are soft. He takes one of Kylo Ren’s’s hands, and pushes him back onto the bed, straddling his lap.”

It was too good. Kylo’s hand stilled and his face heated as he pictured Hux doing it right now, in the bedroom. He was quiet for too long, angry that he didn’t know what to say, that they had to go downstairs at some point, that Hux would never actually do that to him. But before Hux could continue, Kylo interrupted him.

“What do you know about it,” he snapped, hoping anger would dispel the heat pooling in his belly, the stirring he could feel in his cock. That was the worst - he couldn’t control it, and hated that the sound of Hux saying these things could do it to him, that Hux _actually_  doing these things would never happen.

“What do I know about what?”

“Kissing.” He chanced an angry glance at Hux, who raised an eyebrow.

“What do you know about fixing starships? But, yes, I know something about kissing.”

That killed Kylo’s arousal better than the anger. “You know about kissing? How?”

Hux’s face remained stoic. He swallowed. Sometimes that was a tell he was lying. Other times he just needed to swallow. “Because I’ve kissed someone before, Kylo. I’m eighteen. So are you. Certainly we _both_  have experience with it.”

Kylo pushed himself up, sitting cross-legged, his gaze not leaving Hux’s. He didn’t want this to be weird, or seem like he was too interested. But.

“You’ve never had a girlfriend. Who have you kissed?”

“Neither of us have had a girlfriend. But I kissed Iden once, when she asked.”

“Iden Versio?” Kylo said incredulously, his brows drawing together. Hux was lying. Iden hated him. Although, it depended on when it happened. Maybe they’d been younger. “When?”

“When? What does it matter? Do you want a review of how well it went? We kissed. That’s it. It happened a few other times, too.”

“A few other times. With Iden Versio.”

Hux swallowed again, and he thinned his lips. “With other girls.”

As well-liked as Hux was, Kylo didn’t believe it. Hux was popular, but not very approachable, and had never expressed interest in… any of that before. Meetra, maybe. Not anyone else.

“Other girls,” Kylo repeated. “And... you kissed them, and neither you nor Iden- or, I guess, the _other girls_ , said anything about it ever again?”

“No,” Hux scoffed. His face was growing red, and he pulled his legs up closer to his chest. “Of course not, it was just a _kiss_. With Iden. Do you want a full description of the event, or can we keep playing?”

Kylo leaned forward, smirking. Hux was getting nervous, and Kylo knew he was lying. He pushed himself on his hands and knees, and began crawling across the bed. “No, I think I want the details. Tell me how it happened.”

“It was… in the hallway, between classes.”

“This year?”

“No. Our sophomore year, it was two years ago.”

Kylo was grinning more broadly now. He pulled himself up in front of Hux, put his palms on Hux’s knees and forced them apart. Hux's posture tensed, and his gaze went from Kylo's hands back to his face. He looked more nervous now, his expression betraying worry. “In the hallway? She asked you between classes, and you kissed her in the hallway?”

“Yes. That’s what happened.”

“Seems like someone would have seen that. They would have talked about it.”

“No! It was… private.”

“ _Private_." Hux was extremely uncomfortable, growing angry. Kylo loved catching Hux in a lie, it happened so rarely. “And where was this private place, in the hallway between classes?”

“It was…” Hux trailed off. He was clutching his notebook to his chest defensively, his gaze not leaving Kylo’s. He looked more genuinely frightened now. His face was so red, and his blush was creeping down the collar of his shirt.

“Prove it,” Kylo blurted, before thinking about it.

“Fine.”

Faster than Kylo could process, Hux leaned forward and snatched the back of his neck with one hand, pulling Kylo closer and bringing their lips together.

Kylo froze, eyes open, hands bunched on Hux's knees. He’d expected Hux to tell him to go to hell, or at worst, retreat down to the living room with his mother.

He hadn’t expected to get _exactly what he wanted_.

He made an involuntary sound of surprise. Hux’s eyes were closed, but his face was red and he could feel Hux moving his lips against his own. Kylo squeezed Hux's knees, then closed his eyes and parted his lips slightly.

Hux relaxed, his grip growing less tight against Kylo’s neck and his head bobbing as he shifted. The kiss grew softer until Hux finally pulled back, their lips gently brushing together one last time before Hux took his hand from Kylo's neck and gripped his notebook tightly, leaning against the headboard again.

Kylo rocked back, and the two of them stared at each other in silence. Thoughts were racing through Kylo’s head. _Hux had kissed him. Hux had kissed him. Hux had kissed him. Hux had-_

“Hux, I.”

“There. Proof enough?”

"Proof?" Kylo blinked, confused for a moment before the moment caught up to him. "Oh. _Proof_."

Hux was withdrawing, his expression, still so red, shuttering into his usual neutral annoyance. He pulled his legs back up against his chest and pushed himself more fully against the headboard of the bed, away from Kylo. He fidgeted with the cuff of his shirt for a moment, then broke eye contact, his gaze dropping back to the notebook.

Kylo felt the moment slipping away. He reached a hand out. “I just wanted-”

“No,” Hux insisted, his tone icy. He looked back up, meeting Kylo's eyes again. Hard. The look that kept everyone else back. “We should keep playing. Do you want that, or do you want to go watch a movie with Leia?”

“I want-”

“Those are your two options, Kylo.”

Kylo clenched his jaw, dropping his hand and bunching a fist into the bedspread, staring down sullenly. He wanted to kiss Hux again. He wanted to ask Hux _why_  he’d kissed him. He wanted to ask Hux if that had really happened. Had Hux ever imagined that happening, and if he had, had it happened like he wanted?

Kylo had always imagined asking Hux if they could kiss late at night, when the room was dark and Hux was sleeping over. Sometimes Hux slept in the small twin bed against the wall, when he wanted to read late or study. But usually they both used the enormous king-size bed, so large that they never touched at night. Kylo kept himself curled on his side out of fear that he would roll over and embrace Hux in his sleep. They’d often curled up together as boys, but the older he got, and the more Kylo realized his feelings for Hux, the more afraid of that he’d been.

The bed was both the best and worst thing in his life, in many ways. He hated sleeping in it by himself, and when Hux wasn’t over, he’d sleep on Hux’s side.

Sometimes, they’d stay up late talking, about school, or their games, or the book Hux was reading, or whatever piece of shit car Kylo had worked on at his dad’s shop. Sometimes, when the conversation trailed off, he imagined asking Hux if he’d ever thought about kissing Kylo, just to try it. Hux wouldn’t say anything, but he’d roll over to the middle of the bed, and he’d take Kylo’s hand and pull him closer, and Kylo would come. They would kiss while they were laying on their sides, facing each other, but it would be too dark for Hux to see his face. Kylo would squeeze his hand, and Hux would wrap their legs together like they used to, and they’d sleep with their foreheads pressed together, or kiss more. They wouldn’t have to talk about it.

That was a fantasy Kylo had worn out, replaying it before he fell asleep at night, over and over again.

But now, it wasn't a fantasy. It had happened, and it hadn't been far from what he'd always wanted. Mostly. It had happened on the bed, at least. He should have expected they’d be fighting when it happened.

But in his fantasy, Hux had never pushed him away like this.

“I’ll play,” he said, feeling gut-punched, his voice weak. He retreated to the foot of the bed, picking up his drawing pad again. The torso he’d been working on looked silly now, and he tossed the pad on the floor, disgusted.

“You aren’t going to draw?”

“No,” Kylo said, matching his tone to Hux’s. Icy. Not wanting to let Hux in.

Though he still wanted Hux to _ask_.

“Fine. Three hours passed,” Hux said tightly. “The ship lands on La Kai Prine. How does Kylo Ren want to find a new job? Should Hux try to bluff the spaceport, or should Kylo Ren use the Force to create a disturbance that we can control?”

Kylo stared at the ceiling. He didn’t want to think about this. He couldn’t. Hux could move on, could keep playing the game with their two characters in a relationship of some kind, because it didn’t mean the same thing to him.

“Nevermind. Let’s just go watch TV with my mom,” he muttered, rolling off the bed.

Hux sighed, but stood, stashing his notebook and following Kylo down the short hallway and dark, creaky wooden staircase.

Kylo was sure his mom knew they’d fought. She took in their faces when they entered the living room together, and casually gestured to the couch, then began telling them about _The English Patient_ , which was playing on TV. Kylo hadn’t seen it, and had no interest. He crossed his arms and sat in silence, staring forward at a cereal commercial and letting his mother’s voice pass through his consciousness. He remembered he’d forgotten to turn off the tape player. The batteries would die.

Hux, normal as ever, fought with Leia about having to watch a movie that was half over, and eventually they settled in with the beginning of _Sling Blade_.

Kylo couldn’t remember any of it. He kept his knees pulled up to his chest, his fist in front of his mouth, his lips pressed to the back of his hand.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Three weeks later, nothing had changed. Hux hadn’t spoken of their kiss again.

Kylo had tried to bring it up the next day, to find out what Hux had been thinking, _why_  he had done that. But Hux had closed him off again, telling Kylo that he needed to do schoolwork at home, and he'd left right after breakfast with Leia. Furious, Kylo had retreated to work at his dad’s garage. But after replacing a muffler and plugs in a particularly run-down Chevy, Kylo decided to accept the truth of Hux’s reaction.

They shouldn’t talk about it, of course. It had been a lapse, and it had probably embarrassed Hux, judging by how off he’d been after that.

But Hux had been the one to grab Kylo, to pull Kylo close. Hux's eyes had been closed. Hux’s mouth had been moving.

 _Hux_.

The “intimate” scenes in their games had stopped for the two sessions after that, but Hux had finally gone back to them earlier this week. Kylo went along with it, eager to show that nothing had changed between them and that they were still friends. Hux still slept over when his dad left town unexpectedly again, still slept on his side of the king-size bed. They’d talked less the first few nights, but eventually even that had gone back to normal.

This past Saturday, they had taken the drive up north to the mall, riding up in a tense silence after Kylo had lost his temper about one of his shirts being too tight on him _again_. He’d been furious, and not even Hux had been able to stop him from ripping the shirt to shreds. He was still gaining weight, and none of his increasingly furious workout routines helped. He ate a lot, still, because he cooked, and because Hux would come back to Kylo’s house after the near-daily basketball games and keep him company as they ate dinner together. The longer dinner lasted, the longer Hux would stay with him.

Kylo would always lift and do aerobics to the point of exhaustion, usually showering and finishing up just as Hux came back over for the evening. In the mornings, he was getting up earlier and earlier to run in the dark and cold. He had gotten better at all of it, and much of it came easier than it ever had when he’d been on the track and basketball teams. He was exercising _more_. And yet, he hadn't lost any weight since the start of the school year. He'd only gotten bigger.

They’d gotten Kylo new shirts and hoodies, since all of his old ones were now too tight across his shoulders and arms. His pants were mostly fine, but they were tight in the ass and too short again, so he’d gotten two new pairs of those as well. Hux had helped him choose everything, and had once again avoided the subject of _why_  they were there.

They had also chosen a Christmas gift for his mother, from both of them. They’d gone to an expensive men’s shop with his mother’s measurements, and Hux had picked out a tasteful suit that would look absolutely stunning on Leia, though she would know Hux had chosen it, and would probably hate it at least a little. Kylo had chosen the gray and slate blue color combination himself, to ensure that his mother would actually wear it.

Basketball season continued, and between the girls and boys teams, they went out almost every night to the games together. They both hated it.

Mr. Canady, among others, had been increasingly dissatisfied with their “school spirit,” and they were given almost nightly lectures about staying visible during the games and leading cheers.

Kylo tried to pretend that watching the boy’s basketball team play wasn’t a big deal after his own disgrace and dismissal from the team. But he’d loved playing basketball, and he’d been so good at it. Now Mitaka, who Kylo had enjoyed upstaging every chance he got, was the star player of the boy’s team. He was expected to cheer for him. He didn’t.

Tonight, they were attending the girl’s game. It was the first day of winter, and the official start of Christmas break, yet he and Hux had been forced to show up for this game. There were very few spectators in the stands, and though Rey was on the team and performing spectacularly, the other team, the Lady Warriors, were running circles around her. Rey’s teammates were clearly already on vacation.

Kylo and Hux sat in full costume at the foot of the small pep band risers, waiting until the band played to lead a cheer. It was the easiest and best way not to make a spectacle of themselves while fulfilling requirements of their “mascot club.” The band, however, was as uninterested in the game as everyone else, so Kylo and Hux were mostly just sitting.

A whistle blew, and the Lady Warriors scored two more points. Rey glared, red-faced and exhausted, at the rest of her indifferent teammates.

Beside him, Hux was leaning back on his palms and smirking. “Not really her night.”

Kylo, uncharacteristically, sympathized with her. He was wearing the mascot head, and he balance the weight awkwardly as he followed her progress through the small eyeholes. “I used to get angry too, when I thought I was the only one playing the game. It got…” he trailed off. “I got a little mad in the locker room after. Sometimes.”

Hux turned and frowned at him. “You kept your temper after everyone played badly at a real game, but kicked Thannison’s ass at a practice?”

Kylo didn't turn to face him full on in the plaster head. The fight that had gotten him kicked off the basketball team his sophomore year had happened after a practice, when Thannison had been ranting about Hux. Thannison had been presenting a chemistry experiment to the class, and when the reaction hadn’t happened, Hux had said something to humiliate him and make the rest of the class laugh. Thannison had been complaining about it all afternoon, but the last straw had come after the practice, when Thannison had been talking about shutting Hux’s smart mouth by waiting for him after school the next day. That had been too much. Kylo had beaten him unconscious, and then continued.

“Fucking Thannison. You know him,” he said, by way of explanation.

Hux had never asked Kylo why he'd done it, though Kylo's temper was probably bad enough that he didn't have to. It could have been anything, really, that finally set him against Thannison, who was monumentally irritating. But he did try not to fight people. He just couldn't stand the thought of Hux being bullied.

Kylo had been approached by some of the college recruiters even then. They might have been talking to him seriously about scholarships as soon as his junior year. Hux hadn’t been able to shut up about the lost opportunity for six months after the fight. Kylo had nearly stuffed Hux into a locker himself.

Hux made an annoyed noise, obviously upset that Kylo wouldn’t elaborate. He turned back to the gym floor, toward the squeak of rubber soles against the polished wooden floor.

“I heard Rey got a full scholarship to Old Dominion. She shouldn’t be worrying this much about the games anymore.”

“It’s hard not to worry when you’re playing.”

“Whatever.” Hux sat up straight again. “I know I’ll ‘never understand’ and ‘just don’t have the same drive.’”

Kylo raised his eyebrows, but didn’t look over. Hux was one of the most competitive people Kylo had ever met. It was fortunate that he’d never played sports. It would have been ugly.

He opened his mouth to give the compliment, but found it died on his tongue. He did look over at Hux’s profile then. Hux had the bonnet pulled back, and his hair was uncommonly disheveled, hanging loose and untamed around his face. Kylo's eyes dropped to his mouth, then away. He thought about the kiss, because he hadn't thought about anything else in weeks. He wanted to ask about it. He wanted to kiss Hux again, go into the empty locker rooms and have Hux press him against the metal. Even kissing him in that fucking bonnet would be better than what was twisting in Kylo’s guts, the unresolved _thing_  between them.

“My mom was right,” he found himself saying instead, not entirely sure it was the right thing. “I’ll miss you when you’re gone.”

It was the closest he’d come to admitting to Hux how he felt. He could feel his face growing hot, thankful it was hidden by the costume. Was it too far? Certainly it was natural enough to miss Hux, a friend, and Hux could interpret that however he wanted. It was also true that Hux was his only friend, and that neither of them really talked to anyone else. Kylo certainly wouldn’t, over the break.

He wanted to take it back immediately. But he realized with his expression hidden, it might be easier to tell part of the truth. If Hux couldn't see his face, he could easily protect himself and change the subject.

Hux sighed, staring out listlessly at the court. “I know.” He turned, studying Kylo for a moment. “Will you apply for college while I’m gone?”

Kylo thinned his lips. “I’ll try. My dad has a lot of jobs lined up for me.”

“You should ask for a raise, if you’re so important,” Hux replied, his voice going tighter and harsher. He’d been pushing Kylo harder to apply for school. It was turning into more of a fight.

“He gave me one. I make seventeen dollars an hour now. I think I’ve got full time and more, if I want it, all three weeks.”

That gave Hux pause. “Keeping busy.”

“Yeah. Saving my money.” He wanted to tell Hux why. That he wanted to rent an apartment wherever Hux moved, that they could live together, that Hux didn’t have to worry about it. That he missed Hux, even now, while Hux was sitting next to him. Kylo missed him so much it hurt.

“I wish your dad wasn’t taking you away,” he blurted, knowing that it was overstepping. He couldn't play it off as a joke. But his face was still covered, and Hux wouldn't realize how much he meant it.

Hux snorted, taking it mildly enough. “I hate it too. He wants me to apply to schools while I'm there, too. But even he says that West Point is better than I deserve. Acts like it’s a done deal already.”

Kylo turned his head to face Hux more fully. What was worse, that Brendol was pressuring Hux to live at West Point? That he wanted Hux to go to school in the UK, where Kylo would have to get a passport or… a citizenship, or something, he’d have to look that up-

Or that Brendol was still treating Hux like shit?

“Why don’t you just move in with- with us, and get away from him? You don’t need him anymore.”

“I need his money, Kylo, if I go somewhere that doesn’t give me an academic scholarship.” Hux's eyebrows furrowed, his gaze boring through the eyeholes of the mascot head. “I can’t just _emancipate_  myself.”

“You don’t have to. You’re an adult.” Kylo straightened, pushing his legs out in front of him. He was growing more angry, felt like fighting Brendol _now_. Brendol's plans had changed, and he was flying to London from… wherever he was now. Kylo was driving Hux the three hours to the airport the next morning, to make his eight am flight. Hux would take the international flight alone.

“When are you applying to school?” Hux asked again, more insistent now. “I’m not worried for myself, as long as I have my father’s money. What about you, Kylo? What are you doing after May? If they even let you graduate with your abysmal grades.”

Kylo clenched his jaw and dropped his eyes. He almost blurted it, almost told Hux that he wanted to know where Hux was going before he told him. Instead, he turned away, slumping back on his own hands, not willing to fight.

“Guess I’m failing out of life, then. What does it matter? You won’t be here.”

Hux stared at him for a long minute, long enough to make the skin on the back of Kylo’s neck prickle. Kylo ignored him, and Hux turned to face the basketball court again. They said nothing for several minutes. Rey scored a basket. Neither the crowd or the band responded. The score was very uneven, and it was the third quarter. Kylo’s stomach rumbled. He was spending Christmas with his father and Chewie’s family, his mother was staying in Charleston for some event. Chewie's family always threw the best parties, with the best food.

But Hux wouldn’t be there. It didn’t matter.

“I’ll call you every day,” Kylo said after a moment. “Tell me where you’re at, and I’ll call you whenever it’s evening there.”

Hux was silent for several more moments. He didn’t look at Kylo, and Kylo grew worried. Had that been too much? They had talked every day the last time Hux had gone to Belfast. But they’d been younger, and maybe Hux was already done with Kylo now, ready to leave him and his bad grades and his lack of ambition behind-

“I’ll call you,” Hux said instead, turning back again to meet his gaze through the eyeholes of the mask. “I don’t know their phone numbers. And this way, Brendol will have to pay for the international call, instead of your mother.”

Kylo grinned, Hux once again capable of making his emotions swing from despair to euphoria. “Call me in the evenings. After seven. I’ll make sure I’m home and showered, so I’ll hear it.”

Hux nodded, and turned back. “We’ll keep doing your painting exercises.”

“Yeah.”

Kylo had also bought a set of oil pastels and nicer drawing paper while they’d been in town over the weekend. Drawing landscapes was not progressing as well as he wanted, and sketching them beforehand with his usual pencils wasn’t helping him. Nor were the magazines he was using for reference photos. But he thought starting with color might.

There had been a few nights where, rather than playing the game, Hux would describe fantasy cultures, cities, and landscapes aloud, and Kylo would try to draw them. Kylo was forcing himself to see it in colors and broad strokes, rather than the small details he normally focused on. That was much easier to do with the pastels, laying everything down in layers and composing as he went. Sometimes it was total garbage, but he was becoming better at the layering, and Hux encouraged him through it. Kylo was liking the results more and more.

After another minute of silence and another basket for the Lady Warriors, Hux stood, holding a hand out to Kylo. “Come on. No one will notice if we leave early tonight. And we need to be at the airport early tomorrow.”

 _We_. Kylo could almost pretend it was the two of them going on the trip. He crushed the hope that brought him, but allowed himself to take Hux’s hand, let Hux yank him to his feet, followed Hux behind the bleachers and into the locker room while he steadied the giant mascot head on his shoulders again.

It still hurt, looking at Hux’s back and thinking that this was the last time they’d be leaving the school this year. One of the last times they’d do this, ever. Each day was one day less he and Hux would spend together before everything changed.

Kylo dropped his eyes. He didn’t know how he was going to get through Christmas. He hadn’t lied to Hux about missing him. He just hadn’t told him _how much_ , couldn’t make Hux understand how much it hurt without talking about that kiss that Hux didn’t want to talk about. And, Hux probably didn’t want to talk abut it because it had been a joke, and Kylo hadn’t laughed. Maybe they could have done it again, if Kylo had acted differently.

But maybe Hux was right, and nothing should change between them. It would ruin the time they had left.

So. Nothing could change, and they would have to move on.

Kylo would have to learn how.

 


	3. Spring

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kylo gets his facial injury at the beginning of this chapter, which involves blood and stitches, but isn't terribly graphic. The illustration for this chapter includes his bandages, which are a bit bloody but also not graphic.

Over winter break, Kylo worked in his dad’s garage nearly every day, unwilling to sit alone in an empty house for any length of time. His dad forced him to take Sundays off. He also invited Kylo to stay above the shop, where he and Chewie lived, for the duration of his break. Kylo was tempted - he hated being at the house and knowing he would be the only one there for weeks - but Han and Chewie's apartment was poorly kept, and being among the piles of clothes, discarded cans and boxes, and dirty dishes strewn around the small space made Kylo's skin crawl. Also, it stank, and the plumbing frequently failed because Chewie refused to call a real plumber. He did go over for lunch on Sundays, though. He missed his dad's cooking, and Han was happy to give him lessons.

Working at the shop was always good, because he knew what he was doing, and every job he finished boosted his confidence. He could diagnose car problems just as well as his dad and Chewie, and every time he repaired something correctly, it was more proof he could do this for a living. Cars and trucks were something he could control, and he was good at fixing them. It wasn’t school, and it wasn’t whatever was going to happen to him and Hux in six months.

Fixing cars took just enough concentration to make the day pass quickly, and it let him forget about everything bothering him. The garage was fucking cold, even with space heaters, but it was better than being at home alone. And his dad paid him well. Every day felt like progress.

He would start work after his morning run and stayed late through the afternoon, usually grabbing a sandwich from the gas station on the way home (Ms. Kanata made them, they were chicken salad - Kylo had yet to learn the recipe himself), then worked out and showered, making sure he was ready for Hux’s phone call at 7pm. The connection was sometimes staticky, but they’d stay on as long as possible, usually until Kylo heard Brendol’s voice in the background.

They didn’t have much to say to one another. One day was like any other for Kylo, and Hux was tired of hearing about brake jobs, bearing replacements, and re-hanging exhaust pipes. His mother had gotten him another set of weights for Christmas, his father a CD Walkman. The latter was exciting, but Kylo didn’t have any CDs, or a way to getting any himself. He was driving Hux’s distinctive black Spyder to work, but was paranoid about it - he constantly worried about totaling it and Brendol finding out.

When Kylo complained about not having any CDs, Hux jokingly offered him a Columbia House subscription, but promised he’d pick something out for Kylo, and that they could go to Suncoast when he got back.

Hux’s relatives were boring and stuffy, and Hux missed Rae. They’d all given Hux clothing for Christmas, all of it too large after his father had told them the wrong sizes. Kylo pictured the wide neck of a sweater slipping down Hux’s shoulder as he twisted the corkscrew phone cord around his finger and tried to keep his voice level. Otherwise, Hux had a lot of social calls, a lot of sightseeing with cousins he didn’t care for, a few museum trips, and travel between houses. He allegedly hated all of it, and Kylo knew he was unhappy. Still, he was on a vacation out of the country. It couldn’t be _that_  bad.

Kylo had wanted to roleplay over the phone, but Hux didn’t trust him not to cheat. They’d fought about that, because Hux was the one who cheated and changed the rules all the time.

Hux also got mad when Kylo told him he wasn’t drawing as much with Hux away. So rather than roleplay over the phone, Hux agreed to tell the story of a place, as long as Kylo drew it while he listened. It was awkward to draw at the kitchen table with the phone cradled to his ear, but Kylo liked hearing the uninterrupted sound of Hux’s voice too much to be bothered by it. And Hux could think of a thousand places - villages with secrets, Phnom Penh in the late 1800s, the city in Blade Runner, the Ring World in a book he was reading. Kylo sketched or wrote down ideas as he talked, letting the sound of Hux’s voice roll through him.

When Hux had to hang up, Kylo painted, listening to _Tragic Kingdom_ and _Follow the Leader_  and whatever else he wanted over and over again, as loud as he wanted. His closest neighbors were the absent Huxes, and his mother was away. No one would complain about Sir Psycho Sexy.

Many of the paintings turned out well. He liked the Ring World drawing well enough to mail it to Hux, spending the extra money to make sure he got it fast. Hux hadn’t mentioned it, and neither had Kylo. But he thought it might cheer Hux up, if he was lonely. Maybe he wasn’t.

“Hux,” he tried near the end of January, letting a whine creep into his voice. “My mom’s been gone for ten days. I’m only talking to my dad and Chewie. I’m going insane.”

“It’s not my fault you don’t have any friends, Kylo.”

“Yes it is. You’re an asshole, and no one wants to hang out with you.”

“I’m not there.”

“I take it back. Ms. Kanata is trying to set me up with her niece Sabine.”

“Who’s that?”

“I think she goes to Wellsville.”

“Hm.” Hux sounded thoughtful for a moment. “I don’t know her.”

“I don’t either. I saw pictures. I think Ms. Kanata is planning on having us meet before school starts again.”

“Ms. Kanata knows you can’t hold a conversation, Kylo.”

“ _Hux_.”

“Have you asked her for her chicken salad recipe yet?”

“No. But it’s not because I can’t talk to her.” It was just embarrassing to ask for a _recipe_. She’d make fun of him. There was no point explaining this to Hux, who always laughed at him when he used excuses about people laughing at him. “But Ms. Kanata’s almost blind. If she can tell I’m lonely, the situation is bad.”

“Well. She’s trying to set you up with a girlfriend.”

Hux’s tone went light. Kylo was silent for a moment, the blood pounding in his ears. Now? Could he tell Hux now? It was bad, because it was the phone and he couldn’t see Hux’s face in case it went bad and he’d have to take it back-

“I don’t want a girlfriend,” Kylo blurted instead.

“Well.” Hux paused as well. “I can’t help you there.”

 _You can_ , Kylo thought. He wanted to say it. Hux was quiet too, like he was waiting for Kylo to say exactly that. But of course he wasn’t.

“I’ll be back in four days, Kylo. Am I going to find you an unshaven, feral caveman?”

“ _Unshaven_ ,” Kylo smirked. He rubbed his face. He had only been shaving every few days, with Hux gone and his father not caring. Chewie would love it if he grew a beard. “Maybe. Have you been shaving? No? Still no beard?”

Hux made a disapproving sound. Hux still didn’t shave that often. It was one of the only sore subjects Kylo could needle him with.

The smirk on Kylo’s face disappeared. “Hux. I want to… talk about our games when you get back.”

He wanted to talk about _the_  game. Hux had changed the subject every time he’d tried to bring it up.

“Okay. Do you want to play something else?”

“I… no, I guess not. I’m still having fun with Star Wars.” He hated the thought of ending the campaign. Their characters were all but married. Hux frequently described their bedroom habits. It was growing intolerable. At the same time, it was better than any fantasy Kylo could think of, and he didn’t want Hux to stop.

“We’ll still have the basketball games when school starts again. We'll still only be able to play on the weekends.”

“Okay.” Kylo paused. “Have you been writing during break?”

“Yes,” Hux confirmed. “That’s all I’ve been doing. The visiting is tedious, and I have the flight approaching as well.”

“Good. Anything in particular?” Hux had been trying to write short stories lately. Kylo loved hearing about them.

“The alien and ghost detective stories.”

“The _Scooby Doo_ ones?”

Hux sighed heavily. “Do you want to hear about this or not?”

Kylo smirked again. Hux said he was trying to write something like _The Hellfire Files of Jules de Grandin_ , but Kylo thought he was just covering the fact he was ripping off the _X-Files_. They had been watching _X-Files_ reruns on the weekends, and Hux had begun writing short stories about two detectives that looked into _X-Files_ -type local claims and lived out of a van they traveled around in. Kylo kept asking for a dog, but Hux wouldn’t put one in.

“I want to hear about it, yeah. Can you tell me one?”

“Well. If you want. I haven’t finished one since you asked last time.”

“I don’t care. If you want me to make suggestions, I will.”

Hux was silent for a moment, and he heard him sitting back in whatever chair he was in. “All right.” There was a rustle of paper. “So they’re in Biloxi for this one.”

Kylo listened, sketching the two detectives and the van, using a magazine he'd gotten at Ms. Kanata's to try and reference their pose and clothing.  He wasn't as good with these characters, since their usual games were never set in modern real life like these stories were, but since it was just a sketch, he didn't try that hard. He gave them more distinct faces, Hux's and one that could be himself, though he didn't often draw his own face. Since Hux couldn’t see it, the van looked like a Volkswagen Bus version of the Mystery Machine, complete with swirling vine-like patterns. He let Hux’s voice run through him, and imagined that the story was about himself and Hux.

The story was a good one. It was about some kind of were-dolphin that was coming up the beach at night and seducing tourists. It was so weird, and so perfectly Hux. Kylo hadn’t had anything to add to it, and as Hux had talked, had drawn a more finished version of the were-dolphin man as both a dolphin and a handsome older man that he tried to make look like David Duchovny. He wasn't sure that he succeeded, but he liked the idea.

When Hux had to leave, he went up to his bedroom and finished the drawing of the were-dolphin man, pulling out a different magazine reference to make the face look right and adding shading and color. He’d show Hux when he got back, and Hux would laugh at it. Kylo thought it was a pretty good drawing.

When he was finished with that, he went through the real estate magazines he’d found that showed apartment listings around West Point. He’d have to throw them away before Hux got back, but he’d already been through them three times. The listings had been the same each time. Rent was… expensive. At that price, Kylo only had savings for a few months, and he wasn’t sure even working full time as a mechanic would be enough for most apartments. He’d found a few small ones that might be affordable, but they weren’t close to the school. He’d have to buy a car, or convince Hux to let him keep the Spyder at his place. He’d have to tell Hux, and Hux could… come over, whenever he had a break, which for military school wasn’t often, but-

Still. He slept little that night, trying to think of something that would work.

The next day, he was in a bad mood, tired and dropping every single tool he picked up. Nothing was working right. He wound up struggling with the air impact wrench, which was broken _again_. It was a piece of shit, and he was in no mood to take it apart and fix it. But it kept getting stuck and stripping the fucking bolts, and then would get stuck on and fly out of his hand and send the bolt across the garage.

Han and Chewie were staying out of his way. Which was good, because it was their fault for not buying a new one. Kylo had been shouting about that whenever it got stuck for the past two weeks. A new wrench had yet to appear.

He was distracted, thinking about renting a place in New York again. He really shouldn’t have been distracted, and he usually wasn’t, but he hadn’t slept, and Hux was coming back, and he had a _problem_ -

But he had taken his attention away from the more dangerous problem of the wrench. It got stuck on while he was under a car, sheared a bolt off, twisted out of his hand, then fell and hit him in the face.

It was… bad.

 

 

* * *

 

  
The wound was deep, cutting across his face and down his neck and shoulder. There had been so much blood. Chewie had driven him to the hospital, his dad nearly passing out at the sight of it. Kylo knew it was bad, had cried, had thought he’d lost his eye, but Chewie had reassured him about that. Chewie had been so steady and calm, covering Kylo’s face with a clean cloth and getting most of the blood, telling him to put pressure on it. He’d driven fast. The hospital was thirty minutes away.

At the hospital, they’d tried to make him feel better. They’d given him painkillers and some sort of shot that meant he couldn’t feel the stitches, and eventually a tranquilizer when he’d been too overwhelmed by everything. They’d tried to calm him down by making jokes - they’d tried to make a joke about the impact wrench - but that had been the final straw for Kylo, the thing that had finally made him lose his shit.

The tranquilizer they'd given him hadn't been strong. He’d woken back up in the car with Chewie. The hospital had covered most of his head and neck in bandages, with a giant sterile pad to cover whatever had happened to his shoulder. He’d stayed with his dad and Chewie in their disgusting apartment the first night, and his mom had come home from Charleston to stay with him the second and third. He’d been out of it in the drive back to his house the second day, but he’d begged his dad to bring Hux’s car back, so Brendol wouldn’t find out he’d been driving it.

At home, his mother had been the one to change his bandages. Kylo was still too out of it, still taking painkillers, but he wasn’t sure he could have done it himself. Especially after he saw the look on his mom’s face when she uncovered the stitches.

He begged his mom not to answer the phone. He told her it was because he didn’t want her to get dragged away by work, which was true. The phone rang several times, and it could only be people searching for Leia. But really, it was because he knew Hux would call, and would call several more times when he didn’t get an answer. After a certain point, Hux would be on a plane and unable to call, but he was still always afraid that the ringing phone was Hux. He didn't want to tell Hux, and he didn't want Leia to tell Hux.

He’d made his mother call him in at school for the rest of the week. Thinking of Hux, or anyone, seeing him with the cut on his face made him sick to his stomach. Hux would find him repulsive. He’d never want to speak to Kylo again. No one would. He’d have to drop out of school and work at his dad’s shop and eat Ms. Kanata’s sandwiches the rest of his life. He was sure Ms. Kanata would stop trying to get him together with Sabine after she saw.

He cried a lot, mostly silent tears when his mom was with him. He told her it was the pain. It wasn’t. When she left, to make food or sleep or sneak off for a phone call to work, he let himself sob into his pillow. He stared at all the art he’d made of his and Hux’s characters over the years, all of it up on the walls of his room, and that made him cry, too. He wished more than ever he could wear a mask.

Hux would never kiss him again, even if he meant to that first time. He’d never have the nerve to ask Hux if he loved him. It made Kylo cry harder.

He slept, because that was all he could do. He eventually started eating the thin bowls of condensed soup his mom brought him, even though he had no appetite. He remained silent when she tried to talk to him.

The morning that school started, Leia told him she needed to go back to Charleston, but that Hux would be back, and Hux would take care of him. Her expression was so… soft at that. Like she knew.

But she thought Hux wouldn’t be repulsed by his face, even when she had been. _His own mother_. He felt like screaming at her. Instead, he rolled over and resolved not to speak to her. She sighed, and told him to keep taking his pain medication. He didn’t, he'd stopped taking them the day before. He liked how badly it hurt, the concentrated throbbing that reminded him how everything was different. She told him he’d feel better next week, and then left. He heard the door shut and lock behind her, then the sound of her car starting, pulling away down the street.

Not long after, he heard pounding on the front door. But it was at the same time the sound of a heavy diesel engine could be heard coming down the street. He heard it stop, then pull away.

After that, he cried himself to sleep, alone again.

He jumped when he heard the front door slam open at noon, followed by two hard sounds of shoes hitting the ground, then pounding steps up the stairs.

It couldn’t be.

Kylo rolled over and faced away from the door, just in case.

His bedroom door slammed open, and he closed his uncovered eye, flinching where his expression was hidden under the sheet.

“Kylo?”

It was Hux. His voice was shaky and uncertain, and he was breathing hard after running up the stairs and… whatever he had done to get here. Walk? Run? There was at least six inches of snow on the ground. He couldn’t have. Also, it was still the middle of the day, and Hux had perfect attendance. He would never ruin that by leaving during school.

And yet. He was here, and Kylo had heard the bus pick him up this morning.

“Kylo,” Hux tried again, putting a knee on the enormous mattress and crawling across. He put a hand on Kylo’s injured shoulder. Kylo hissed, and he felt Hux withdraw his hand quickly.

“I know you’re not asleep. What’s wrong? What… happened?”

Kylo didn’t respond, but he felt Hux reach out again and put a tentative hand on Kylo’s waist, resting on the thin blanket. When Kylo didn’t react, Hux pulled him, trying to get him to roll over. Kylo let him, pulling the sheet down so Hux could see the bandages.

Kylo fixed him with his one good eye, watching the truth of it sink in. “An accident.”

Hux’s expression didn’t change. His eyes moved down Kylo’s face to his neck, briefly to his shoulder. He reached out, running his finger gently along where the bandages covered Kylo’s neck, then down, tracing the dressings on his shoulder. Kylo wasn't wearing a shirt, and all of it was clearly visible.

He looked back up, into Kylo's uncovered eye. “What happened?”

“That fucking impact wrench.” He looked away. The accident still annoyed him. “It got stuck on, and I dropped it. Hit my face with a stripped bolt still in it.”

Hux winced, but still didn’t look disgusted. His fingers stilled, and he laid the flat of his palm gently on Kylo’s neck. His hand was freezing. “When?”

Kylo stared steadily at the wall. His neck throbbed where Hux was touching him. “Three days ago.”

Hux nodded. “Right. You stopped answering the phone after that.”

Kylo shrugged his good shoulder, wincing when the muscles tightened along the cut on the other side. Hux’s hand withdrew, and his skin tingled from where Hux's cold palm had touched him.

“I didn’t want to talk.”

“Didn’t want to talk,” Hux repeated flatly. To Kylo’s surprise, Hux grabbed his chin and pulled his face toward him, less gently this time. It hurt, but the shock of it was more overwhelming than the pain. Hux forced Kylo to look into his eyes. His expression was angry, his expression blotchy red from running up the stairs, or whatever he had done. His hair was a mess, fallen out from where Hux had styled it earlier.

“I didn’t hear from you for three days, Kylo. _Three days_. You didn’t answer the door this morning. I had to hear at school that you had an unspecified _accident_  that your mother had to come home and attend to. Everyone pitied me, because I didn’t know. They were asking _me_  what happened.” He shook his head. He looked so messy and... worried. Hux was never worried. “Why didn’t you just tell me this morning?”

“It’s my face! It’s not like I’m dying. And I didn’t want to answer the door.” Kylo looked away again, trying to make himself look angrier than he felt. Rather, he felt a sudden crushing guilt in his gut.

“But you can talk, can’t you?” Hux’s face changed, and he pulled his hand away from Kylo’s chin quickly, as if suddenly realizing that Kylo may, in fact, be in pain. “Does it hurt to talk?”

“No, it doesn’t hurt,” Kylo answered sullenly.

"Your eye," he blurted quickly. "What happened?"

Kylo didn't look at him. "My eye's fine. The cut goes around it."

Hux huffed. “Are you on pain medication?”

“They gave me some, but I haven’t been taking it.”

Hux’s hand came back, squeezing Kylo’s chin. Kylo hadn’t shaved. The grip was firmer now, squeezing his chin hard, rather than pulling him around so that the cut twisted on his neck. When Kylo refused to turn and look at him, Hux leaned in, pushing his face into Kylo's line of sight. He was still wearing his winter coat. It was sliding off his shoulders, unfastened down the front, the collar of a mint green shirt visible between the coat and a brown sweater.

“Good. I’m glad you aren’t on any medication. Because I want you to pay attention to me, and I want an answer. I want you to explain to me exactly why you didn’t tell me, your only friend, that you had an accident.”

“It wasn’t bad!” Kylo let the volume of his voice increase, frustrated with Hux looking at him, in his bed, with his hand on his face. This was still going to end with Hux seeing the cut and never speaking to him again. Hux was only being cruel and dragging everything out. Because of course he was. Hux was a cruel bastard. “What difference does it make if I called you or not? You found out anyway!”

Hux’s hand left Kylo’s face again, and he angrily pushed his winter jacket off his shoulders, tossing it to the foot of the bed before swinging a leg around so he could straddle Kylo’s hips. He leaned down close to Kylo’s face, to his cut and bandages, and planted a palm on the bed on either side of Kylo's neck, leaning forward. He was furious. “What difference does it make?” He hissed. “I was _worried_ , Kylo. I couldn’t reach you on the phone for days, you didn’t answer the door, they told me at school your mom came up because you had an accident…” He swallowed. “What was I supposed to think?”

Hux was all but shouting into his face. He’d never heard Hux raise his voice before. Kylo blinked, taken aback. He was _worried_. About Kylo. A lot, if he was telling the truth. But still, this was… too much. Hux straddling him, hand on his face, looking at. Looking at…

“It’s my face, Hux! It was bad enough before, and now I’ve got-” He closed his mouth, and could feel himself tearing up again. “It’s bad, Hux. The… bolt was wide, and it will scar. Badly. I’m going to have it the rest of my life, and people will stare at it, and- I won’t be able to get a job or- friends-” He was crying now, and he tried to roll over, away from Hux. “Fuck you. You wouldn’t understand. Fuck you.”

He twisted under Hux, yanking the blanket back up to cover his face. Hux was still sitting on it, and he could hear the sound of fabric tearing, but enough pulled up to cover his face. Hux was silent for a few moments, and Kylo wanted to sob. He hated that Hux had seen him like this, with the bandages, and… crying.

But at least now that he’d told Hux, now that Hux would understand what all this meant, Hux would leave and never come back. His mom didn’t know anything.

Hux sighed heavily. “Kylo. Listen to me.”

Unexpectedly, the blanket was yanked out of Kylo’s grip and back from his face. Hux shifted his legs atop Kylo, using his weight to roll Kylo back over onto his back. He put a hand to Kylo’s uncovered cheek, running his thumb below his eye in little twitching jerks. He was looking intently into Kylo’s face, bent very close now.

“Are you listening to me?”

Kylo was scowling, and he could feel the tears and snot on his face, and he was ashamed. But he nodded, knowing Hux was going to say whatever he wanted, even if Kylo threw him out.

“Your face is fine. It was fine before the scar, and it’s fine now.”

Kylo laughed, closing his eye and trying to turn away from Hux’s hand. “What would you know about-”

“Your face?” Hux’s hand pushed against Kylo’s cheek, forcing his head back straight. “Everything. I’ve seen it every day for twelve years. I’ve looked at it more than you, more than anybody else. Do you understand?”

Kylo kept his scowl, but nodded. He could feel himself blush at the thought. Hux continued to study him another moment, his expression stony.

“I don’t think you do understand. I’m a better judge of your face than you are, and I _like_  it. Do you understand that?”

Kylo opened his mouth to respond, and Hux shook his head.

“You don’t. But know this. You’ve complimented my taste before, told me that I know everything. If that’s true, then you’ll believe me that your face is… nice. Right?”

When Kylo opened his mouth to stop this, because it was awful, it couldn’t mean what Kylo wanted it to mean, Hux spoke louder and kept talking. “I know you’re sensitive about your looks. I don’t know why. But you don’t need to be. And I’ll like your face whether it’s scarred or not. Nothing could have happened to it that would make me like you less. Do you understand that?”

Hux continued to stare at him with a grave expression, his blue eyes boring into Kylo. It was the same expression he used to talk to his father, the one that meant he was hiding something. His face was still red. Kylo scowled again.

“You’re lying. You just want me to go to school.”

Hux’s brows drew together. “I’m not lying. I’ll swear it on whatever you want. On our friendship. I wouldn’t lie about that.” His voice went lower. “Please believe me.”

There wasn’t anything to say to that. It sounded like Hux was telling Kylo that he liked his face. But that had to be wrong, because he was ugly and Hux was… very beautiful. It was probably just what Hux said, that he was used to looking at Kylo and thought he looked fine. He glanced away from Hux. Maybe it was true that Hux could overlook a scar, if he was so used to Kylo’s face otherwise. But…

“It’s bad,” he whispered. “Not even my mom could stand to look at it.”

“Okay.” Hux’s hand moved up, and he stroked his fingers through Kylo’s hair. It was greasy. He hadn’t washed it since the accident, not sure how to do it with the bandages on his face and unwilling to let his mother help.

Having Hux touch his hair like that made him want to die. Both because he could feel his scalp tingling from the contact, and because his hair was too gross for Hux to touch.

“You need help with this, right?” Hux’s eyes fixed on him again. Kylo frowned. He hated it when it felt like Hux could read his thoughts.

The question was also a dangerous one. He both loved and hated the idea of Hux washing his hair, cleaning him up, taking care of him. Would it be too much? Would that be the thing that broke him down completely?

Still, that might be less dangerous than having Hux sit in his lap while he contemplated it.

“I guess,” Kylo admitted, looking away again. Hux’s fingers stroked down Kylo’s good cheek, wiping at his tears, and Kylo closed his uncovered eye again.

“I’ll help. But I can’t shave you. You have to promise to shave.”

“You can’t shave, period,” Kylo couldn’t help but reply, leaving his eye closed. “You don’t know how.”

Hux snorted, rolling off Kylo. “Right. You aren’t hurt that badly, then.”

Kylo stared after him for a moment, then slowly eased himself up and out of the giant bed, shivering when his feet hit the cold floor. He was only wearing sleeping pants, but Hux had seen him barechested plenty of times. Just not lately, not since he’d gained weight. He rubbed his bare arm, and when that caused pain to shoot through the cut, he straightened and turned around. He had other things to worry about now, and it wasn’t like Hux didn’t know about that, anyway.

Hux was staring at his bare chest. Well. That made it worse. Kylo put his arms across his chest and looked down, then around for a shirt he could pull over himself.

“Don’t bother,” Hux offered nonchalantly, waving casually as he turned and left the room. “You won’t be able to wear a shirt if I wash your hair in the sink. Stay like that.”

Kylo exhaled sharply through his nose, then shivered as he made his way across the cold hallway and into the tiny bathroom, where Hux had flipped on the brighter light over the sink. He stood with his back to the door, staring at the sink basin and undoing the cuff of his right sleeve. He turned to eye Kylo, who stood in the door with his arms across his bare chest. Hux pulled off his sweater, then began unbuttoning the front of his shirt, eventually stripping to the waist.

“So you don’t feel as self-conscious.”

“Whatever.”

He’d seen Hux without his shirt on plenty of times, too. Hux _was_  less self-conscious than Kylo, and would remove it to change into the mascot costume. His skin was so pale, and he had freckles spilling down his shoulders and arms, into the shallow dip of his collarbone. He also had the smallest nipples, and not a single hair on his chest. He had the slightest muscle definition, barely there, on his arms, and prominent ribs.

Kylo stared a moment before looking away.

“Don’t _whatever_  me. Christ, Kylo. I don’t know why you insist on wearing all those layers.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Kylo snapped, turning back to glare at him. “Does everyone need to know what a fatass I am?”

Hux only stared at him blankly. “What the hell are you talking about? What you’ve been doing has been working. I mean…” He gestured to Kylo, then turned away again, red in the face, running water in the sink.

“You mean eating and gaining weight? Thanks Hux, I needed the reminder. It wasn’t like none of my clothes fit anymore.”

“You’ve…” Hux turned to him, shocked. “You can’t really mean that?”

“Last I checked, that was true.”

“You’ve been… bodybuilding…” Hux’s hand reached out, touching his bicep on the good arm, then his chest, before yanking his hand away. “If I looked like that, I’d never wear a shirt.” He met Kylo’s eye briefly, then turned back around.

Kylo was so taken aback, he looked back down at himself. He looked the same as he always did. Just… bigger.

“You’ll have to take off the bandages,” Hux said quickly, turning the sink off and turning back around with a washcloth in his hand. “I’ll take it off if you want, and clean it up. Does it need to be disinfected or anything?”

Kylo opened his mouth, then closed it. He really didn’t want Hux to see. Hux huffed.

“Okay. I’ll go slow. And I promise not to get sick on the floor.”

“It’s… bad,” he tried weakly.

“I know.” Hux frowned, then moved his fingers to the top of the adhesive holding the gauze to Kylo’s face. There was a lot of it. Hux peeled slowly, studying Ren’s expression to see if he hurt. Kylo kept his face still. He wanted to cry. Hux’s expression didn’t change as he revealed more of the wound. When he was done, he frowned again, dabbing at it with the washcloth.

“It hasn’t bled. It looks good.”

Kylo closed his eyes briefly. “It looks good?”

Hux was looking into his eyes when Kylo opened them, then shrugged, continuing. “No. It looks like it hurts. Just… not infected. You were right, it's wide. Even where they stitched it back together.”

Kylo pursed his lips. “It hurts.”

Hux took the washcloth away. “It’s still swollen. I think you’ll probably need the pain medication after this. I’m worried about… inflaming it with the soap.” He glanced at the bathtub, then at the shower. His face turned red again, and he didn’t look back at Kylo. “I think the sink will be easiest, though.”

Kylo stepped up and bent dutifully over the sink. Hux turned on the hot water. It felt good against his hair and skin.

“When do your stitches come out?”

The water was running into Kylo’s mouth and eyes. It stung where it was running along the cut, but he held himself still. “Twelve days. So… eight more days.”

“I’ll go with you to the hospital to get them out.” Hux paused, putting his hand to Kylo’s chest to push him back standing. He grabbed the shampoo and a towel, wrapping the latter around Kylo's neck. “Maybe we should bring Chewie? Will you be able to drive, or will it hurt?”

Kylo scowled, then closed his eyes. Hux’s hand came back to his hair, and his fingers began rubbing along his scalp. “I can drive. If it doesn’t hurt now, I’ll be fine.”

Hux stepped behind him. Some of the water and suds ran down Kylo’s neck, and Hux caught them deftly with his fingers. “Good. If it doesn’t hurt, you can go back to school tomorrow.”

“No.”

Hux’s hands paused. “No?”

“What’s the point? Everyone’s going to stare at my face.”

“They stare at your face much less than you think they do. They’ll stare at the cut until they get used to it, yes. It will be fine.”

“It’s not your face,” he said sharply.

“It’s-” Hux stopped himself. His fingers started working again. “You can’t just drop out of school because of a cut on your face.”

“Watch me,” Kylo said belligerently. “I’m old enough. My mom can’t stop me.”

“She can’t. But if you had any respect for your mother, you would finish school.”

That was true. It wouldn’t be good for his mother’s career if her son was a high school dropout.

“I’ll legally change my name. It won’t matter.”

“Kylo. _Ben_.” Hux gripped his shoulders to turn him around. His thumb came up to Kylo’s eyebrow, wiping across the good one. His finger paused on the other, where the cut began. “I can’t believe you got your eyebrow too.”

“Hux-”

“Rinse off in the shower, I don’t think it’s good for the cut to get shampoo in it.” He paused, putting his back to Kylo and holding his hands in the air. “I’m turned around, you can undress.”

He wasn’t sure how he felt about that particular gesture, but he tried to play it off as casually as possible. He lied. “I don’t care if you see me naked. I-”

“You have to go back to school.”

“Hux, I hate school. The only reason I go-” It was to be with Hux. He dropped his pants and the towel around his neck, then stepped into the shower, his eyes closed against the shampoo suds. He reached out and turned the taps on by feel, letting the water run and heat. “Look. I’m not going to college. I don’t care what my mom says about that.”

Hux grunted. “I guessed that. Are you just going to work in your father’s shop, then?”

He turned the shower head on, and stepped into it backwards. “What are you going to do?”

“It’s a good living.” Hux said, ignoring the question, and Kylo gave a grunt of frustration. “I think it’s a good fit for you.”

“ _Armitage_ ,” Kylo said sharply, pulling at his stitches and wincing. He never used Hux’s first name. He rinsed hastily, then stepped out of the shower, dripping. “You can’t tell me what you’re going to do?” Regardless of Kylo’s plans to follow him, it hurt that Hux wouldn’t share that with him.

Hux stared at his face, pale, looking uncomfortable. “It’s not that. It’s just…” He looked down, then out the door. “It’s complicated. I’ll tell you after I decide everything.”

Kylo was silent. His cut ached. He wanted it covered. He wanted Hux’s hands on his face again. Instead, he turned and grabbed the towel from the floor, dabbing gently at his face. He sighed, facing the sink. He’d promised Hux he’d shave.

He stopped, suddenly realizing he’d have to look at his reflection. He kept his eyes locked on the sink basin, resting his hands on the edges. Hux didn’t say anything, so they were silent for several more moments.

“How’d you get out of school?” he asked finally, when the silence grew painful and he was too paralyzed to look up into the mirror.

“I just… left.” He heard Hux stepping in closer.

Kylo’s eyes jerked up, over in Hux’s direction, away from the mirror. “You have perfect attendance. They’ll… give you a detention for leaving in the middle of the day unexcused.”

Hux scoffed. “I don’t care about the perfect attendance. And if you think I can’t sweet-talk Ms. Moors into giving me a pass tomorrow, you don’t know me at all.”

Kylo made a noise of agreement, then looked back down into the sink, his hands gripping the edges tighter. “Don’t you need perfect attendance for West Point?”

“West Point,” Hux said witheringly. “I told you, I just need more time.”

“But that’s where you’re going, isn’t it? Brendol-”

“I don’t give a shit-” Hux’s voice grew angry again, then he took a breath. Kylo turned to watch him closing his eyes and visibly calming himself. After a moment, he opened his eyes again, his expression back to neutral. “I told you. Give me a little more time. It’s complicated.”

Kylo grew angry. “You don’t want to talk about it? I tell you everything, when I have-”

“Do you tell me everything?” Hux stared at him. Kylo held his gaze for a moment, then dropped it.

Not everything. Not even close. Hux was still not wearing a shirt. His hair was even messier, several strands were hanging down into his face now. Kylo couldn’t look at him without blushing. Kylo was wearing only a towel. He had that awful cut on his face, probably criss-crossed with black stitches.

Though what Hux said about… _bodybuilding_  did seem positive.

Kylo stared into the sink again, and silence fell between them. After another minute or so of Kylo standing slumped with his hair dripping into the basin, Hux finally realized what Kylo was upset about.

“Do you want me to shave you? You don’t have to do it yourself if you don’t want to. I’m not going to do a very good job, though. I may cut you.”

Kylo grunted, not looking up from the sink. “It doesn’t matter if you nick me with the razor, Hux.”

“I don’t do it nearly as well as you. Shaving. As you said. Sit down on the toilet.”

Kylo did, readjusting the towel across his lap and folding his hands, staring at them as Hux got out the shaving cream. He finally looked up as Hux lathered it over Kylo’s cheeks, careful to avoid the injury. When Hux brought the razor up, Kylo found he couldn’t continue to watch Hux’s neutral expression as he leaned in so close. He focused on a crack in the wall just over Hux's shoulder.

“You have to finish high school, Kylo.” Hux tried again, his voice quiet. “There’s only four months left. I don’t care about your grades. But promise me you’ll go back.”

Kylo didn’t want the other students staring at his face. But he looked back at Hux, who had paused, and was giving him an earnest look.

Kylo found he couldn’t deny him.

“Okay,” he agreed quietly, shifting his gaze to the crack again. If he didn’t go, he’d have to stay away from Hux all day. At least they had all their classes together.

“Thank you,” Hux answered quietly. He leaned in close again and continued shaving, rinsing the safety blade periodically in the sink and going gently around Kylo’s injury.

“Is it really that bad?” He asked, trying not to move his lips.

Hux’s eyes went to his, then back to where he was shaving. “It’s bad, yes. It will be very obvious for a long time.”

Kylo clenched his jaw. Hux reached down and pinched his chest.

“Don’t do that. It’ll be fine. Everyone will get used to it.”

“You telling me it’s fine won’t heal my face.” He was angry again, his voice getting louder, and he was moving his mouth more than he should be. Hux nicked him with the razor near the cut, and Kylo hissed.

“Hold still.” Both of Hux’s hands came down on Kylo’s shoulders, and stayed there for longer than necessary. “Are you okay now? Can I keep going?”

“I’m not okay!”

“Mmm.” Hux narrowed his eyes, then leaned forward, stretching up to kiss Kylo on the forehead, just where the cut began. He left his lips on it for a moment longer than Kylo thought he would. His lips were still so soft, and the gesture so unexpected, that Kylo’s anger fled him all at once, replaced instead by the pounding of his heart. It was beating so hard that he was sure Hux could feel it where he held his lips against his forehead.

After an interminable moment where Kylo held his breath, Hux finally pulled back, kneeling in front of Kylo on the floor and studying his face.

“Are you okay now? Did that make it feel better?”

Kylo stared at him in shock, trying to keep his expression neutral. He wanted to ask about the other kiss. He wanted to ask if Hux really liked his chest. His hands had moved down from Kylo’s shoulders to his pecs, which were… embarrassingly big now, like tits. He almost wanted to squirm away, but Hux was touching him deliberately. Hux had kissed him deliberately, a few months ago, and just now. It could really only be that.

“My mom already tried that,” he blurted, humiliated.

“Well,” Hux drawled. His hands moved from Kylo’s chest to his knees. “Your mother doesn’t love you like I do. Maybe mine will work better.”

Kylo was frozen, stunned to silence. Neither of them said anything for a moment, and then Hux stood and silently resumed shaving. He worked very slowly, taking several minutes to finish, careful, hovering so close to Kylo's face.

When he finally finished, he gestured to the sink. “Rinse off. I’ve got the afternoon off now. Show me what you drew while I was gone. You can sleep if you have to, but we have to go to the basketball game this afternoon. I don’t think we can both get out of it, and I’ll be damned if I’m going alone.”

“Hux-”

“Your face will be covered,” he said. “Wear the stupid head.” He waved dismissively, exiting the room. “Rinse off and put your pants on. I’m going to look at your art.”

He wanted to ask Hux about the kiss. About what Hux meant by loving him. He should have said something. Should have.

He sighed shakily. God. He also had an erection, hidden by his hands in his lap. He was going to have to rinse off in the shower again, under cold water.

 

 

* * *

 

 

A month passed without much changing between them. They both went to class. Hux still did all the work, all the projects and homework and every damn thing the teachers asked of him. Kylo did not. He maintained a 68% average to pass, as he’d promised Hux. He estimated that his standing would fall to 29th by the end of the year - he was still doing well in the senior art class, and there were only 42 people graduating.

Hux was still first, and would be giving the valedictorian speech at the end of the year. Hux complained frequently about the duty, and Kylo never missed an opportunity to bring it up.

Kylo’s stitches came out. The scar was as bad as expected. It took him three days before he looked at himself in the mirror, and even then, it was only because Hux forced him to shave. But as Hux pointed out, he would have to get used to it, and it was just a scar. At school, people stared, and then they got used to it, too. Kylo hated being out in public more than ever. He worried he looked even worse next to Hux, but not much had changed about that, either. Hux didn’t treat him any differently.

Well, almost. Hux stared at the scar more than anyone else, and Kylo constantly caught him at it. But Hux never pitied him for it, and never told him he was sorry. And now that he knew Hux did it, he caught him looking at his chest more often, too. So that was. Fine.

The basketball games continued, and they were both forced to attend those most weeknights. Saturdays were spent away, driving somewhere and staying out all day. They found a number of insignificant errands to occupy themselves with. They often chose CDs for Kylo’s walkman, though it turned out to be less practical than his tape deck for his morning runs. Then it was buying new clothes for him. Then it was new clothes for Hux. Then art supplies. Every weekend there was something new, and the two of them would drive to the shopping centers, arguing over music in the car the whole way.  They'd spend the whole day out, at a bookstore, at the mall, at the music store.

Hux still slept over, and shared the big bed with Kylo. After Kylo’s accident, there had been a few nights where they’d held each other like they used to, but Kylo always woke up to Hux on the other side of the bed, and eventually, Hux stopped rolling to the middle when they talked.

Neither of them slept much, and they talked less in bed now, too. Kylo assumed Hux was… worried about whatever it was he was still trying to decide about college, the thing he wouldn’t tell Kylo about. Kylo couldn’t sleep for want of Hux.

He wanted to ask Hux what he thought dating was, if it was any different from what they did together. He wanted to know if Hux really had kissed Iden Versio in the hallway between classes. If he really did think Kylo should date Ms. Kanata’s niece from Wellsville. If Hux would move away and forget about him.

But asking would ruin everything. There was no way that Hux could be in love with Kylo like Kylo was in love with him. Kylo would do anything for him. In the deepest part of his mind, he thought Hux would say the same, was actually sure that Hux _would_  do anything for him. But only because they’d been friends their whole lives. Friends were like that.

Hux wasn’t like that, though. With anyone else. Hux hated everyone but Kylo. It didn’t mean that he loved him, though.

They only played their games on Sundays. The sessions were longer now, and Hux still worked in at least one sex act each time. Hux’s fantasies with their characters inevitably translated to things Kylo wanted to do with Hux. It was driving Kylo crazy, and he was nearly at a breaking point.

The plot of their adventure was less focused recently, though neither of them wanted to switch games. They were currently fleecing a wealthy Klaatooinian shipping family for reasons that Kylo had forgotten. But Hux seemed to enjoy talking through the scams, and Kylo still liked hearing Hux talk more than anything.

On the game they played the first Sunday in March, Kylo found himself sketching the head of the family - he wasn’t sure what Klaatooinians were supposed to look like, but he imagined them as shaved Wookiees. This family wore clothing that was somewhere between a robe and a wrap, and he amused himself by giving the fabric elaborate patterns. This one had toucans, because he’d decided that the planet they were on did, too.

“Hux wants to celebrate,” Hux went on. “He and Kylo are almost done bleeding the family dry. Kylo’s done well with all the Force misdirection to sabotage them.”

“Just lucky,” Kylo muttered, laying his pencil down and laying back on the mattress. He knew where this was going, and he wasn't in the mood for it today. He was angry, frustrated. “There isn’t anything to celebrate yet. We still have one more chance to get money from them, and then we can leave the planet. Why can’t we wait to celebrate then?”

“Because Officer Hux needs to relax,” Hux said sharply. “They’ve had a long day. Kylo wants to go home and relax, too.”

“Relax at home, right. Maybe Hux has never heard of a date,” Kylo replied, closing his eyes. He could feel his cheeks coloring, his stomach tightening. He felt like he was watching someone else say it. He couldn’t look at Hux.

They often ate lunch and dinner out on Saturdays. Hux insisted on paying for everything, saying that he wanted to use Brendol’s money while he could. Kylo had no problem with spending Brendol’s money, and he was glad to keep his own saved - staying out with Hux meant he couldn’t pick up hours at his dad’s garage. Han and Chewie were worried he was too scared to come back, but it wasn’t that. He just couldn’t bear the thought of going to work when Hux offered to hang out with him all day. He wasn’t earning any more money, and he felt guilty about it, but he also wasn’t spending it.

The Saturday trips weren’t that different from what they’d been doing ever since Kylo had gotten his license, and even a few times before, when he’d simply taken Han’s car on the long drive to the mall when they were fifteen. But these trips were longer, and they were weekly now. Hux still refused to talk about what he would be doing after they graduated, and each one of the trips felt like the last time they were going out together.

Thus, when they ate burgers for lunch and pasta for dinner, Hux arguing about the temperature of the food or that it didn’t taste like anything or that Kylo picked terrible restaurants, it felt more like a _date_  now. Or, at least what Kylo thought a date felt like. He couldn’t imagine a real date being any better, since there wasn’t anyone he’d rather be with.

Whenever they were out, Kylo couldn’t stop thinking about the kisses, and Hux all but saying that he _loved_  Kylo. Pleasure warred with uncertainty inside him almost constantly. Saying something now, ruining the end of their time together, would be the stupidest thing Kylo could do. But at the same time, he felt like the truth would explode out of him whenever he watched Hux lick salt from his fingers at a diner.

And yet. Here Kylo was, finally opening his big mouth. But. He couldn’t keep doing this, he thought. He couldn’t keep _not knowing_.

“Do you want to go on a date?” Hux responded nonchalantly, his expression as neutral as always.

Infuriating. Again. An evasion.

“Would you know what a date was?” Kylo opened his eyes and rolled over on his side, propping his head on his arm and looking over at Hux, who was sitting with his back against the headboard, as usual. He looked untroubled. Kylo tried to make himself look as unaffected as possible.

“I’ve been on a date before, yes, if that’s what you’re asking,” Hux answered, looking more annoyed.

“Going to Dex’s Diner with Aayla when we were nine doesn’t count.”

“No. There were three of us.”

“So what do these dates look like?”

Hux stared at him. “Probably lunch. Dinner. Going to see a movie. Shopping.”

Kylo wasn’t sure if they were talking about the game, or what they’d done yesterday. It was still infuriating, that he couldn’t think of how to separate the game from what they did together. “And does Officer Hux kiss his date at the end of the evening?”

Hux raises his eyebrows. “Does Kylo Ren want kissed after dinner and a night out?”

Kylo’s pulse was hammering in his throat. “Seems like it’s not a date unless you do that.”

They stared at each other, and neither said anything. Hux’s legs were pulled up to his chest, his writing notebook resting on his knees. Kylo was close enough to stretch out his hand and touch Hux’s ankle. His eyes went to the bare skin, then back to Hux’s face. Hux was, uncharacteristically, blushing. Kylo told himself it was because they were discussing dates, and not because Hux was as nervous as he was, ready to be sick or for his heart to stop or for something, anything, to change between them. If it did, it would be now. Here. It was March third, and they had only three months left.

Kylo opened his mouth. Hux’s eyes went to his mouth, then caught his gaze again.

But Kylo couldn’t. He couldn’t say anything. What if he was wrong? What if Hux was only nervous because they were talking about dates and kissing, which, admittedly, neither of them had much experience with?

Hux dropped his eyes. “Does Kylo Ren want it to be a date, or does he just want it to be a fun time?”

Kylo wasn’t sure he could talk. He rolled closer to Hux, onto his stomach, his head even with Hux’s knees. He felt like the next thing he said would be a turning point. It would be significant. It would be a beginning or an ending.

So of course he said something stupid.

“Hux. I don’t know what we’re talking about anymore.”

Hux looked as miserable as he felt. Kylo hadn’t seen him look so upset since they were much younger, before he’d learned to hide his feelings from Brendol. His brows were together, and his face was still alarmingly red. His eyes looked wild, and his hands were gripping the edges of his notebook, almost like he was about to beat Kylo with it.

“I was… just thinking. That you wouldn’t know a kiss anyway. Having no experience with them.”

Kylo exhaled. The defense came automatically. “I have experience.”

Hux’s knees came down, and his expression shifted, looking more like he did at school when he was about to say something absolutely devastating, the kind of thing that left Thannison in the locker room plotting revenge. The kind of thing that the other person wouldn’t forget.

His eyes narrowed. “Prove it.”

Kylo hated him a little more then, when it all made sense, that Hux had… _forced_  this on him, been too much of a coward to ask. So Kylo leaned forward, and Hux grabbed his shirt, and they kind of missed the first time, their noses pressing together and their lips only brushing. But Hux huffed, leaning in closer and tilting his head, and that time it was better, that time their mouths met and they kissed for real. It was, unmistakably, everything that Kylo wanted.

And even then, Kylo froze, unsure what to do. The first time had only been a peck. The second, if it counted, had only been Hux kissing his forehead. How long was this supposed to go on? Should he move his lips? Should he open his mouth?

After a moment, Hux pulled back. Kylo opened his eyes to find Hux studying his face. Kylo turned the scarred side of his face away, suddenly humiliated.

“I’m sorry, I-”

“No!” Hux grabbed him, putting a hand on either side of his face, not letting Kylo turn away. “Don’t do that now.”

“Do what?”

“The self-hating thing you do. You think you aren’t good enough. Don’t do that now.”

Kylo didn’t know what to say. Hux was still only inches from his face. “Did you make me kiss you so you didn’t have to ask if I wanted to?”

Hux grimaced, then leaned in again. The kiss was better the second (or third, or maybe this was the fourth) time, and this time he moved his lips when he felt Hux’s mouth moving against his. He fisted his hands in the bedsheets, and the angle was awkward, but he felt like he couldn’t move. Hux exhaled through his nose, and Kylo wasn’t sure if he should breathe, or if he even wanted to. His heart was pounding, his throat was still as tight as it had been when he was worried nothing would happen, and his stomach _hurt_.

This time, Hux pulled back slowly. Kylo blinked, then felt a smile spread slowly across his face. He couldn’t help it. He exhaled, forcing himself to breath, trying to slow his heart rate down.

At Kylo’s smile, the corner of Hux’s mouth twitched up, and he leaned up and kissed Kylo’s brow, the one with the scar bisecting it. His fist was still wrapped in Kylo’s shirt. Kylo reached a hand up, hesitating a moment before laying it on Hux’s neck. He could feel Hux’s heart pounding, too. They were the same.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Kylo.” Hux scowled. “I told you I was in love with you after you cut your face. I married our characters in our game, and describe sex between them graphically. I asked you to a dance. I’ve been taking you out every weekend. I was about to give up.”

Kylo was chagrined. “None of that counted! You should have just asked me to kiss you.”

“I did!”

“You didn’t want to talk about it!”

“Of course I didn’t!”

They were arguing now, which was more familiar ground. Kylo shuffled himself up, stretching his legs out on either side of Hux. Hux pushed his thighs over Kylo’s, putting them chest to chest.

“I still don’t want to talk,” Hux said, pulling Kylo closer by his t-shirt and kissing him again, pressing their lips together. It was hot, the way Hux’s lips felt against his, a contrast to the cold, drafty room. He felt the skin along his bare arms prickle, either from the cold or from the feeling of kissing Hux. Maybe both.

Kylo closed his eyes. He found that, kissing Hux, it didn’t really change how worried he was, how excited to be with him, any of it.

It was all the same. And Kylo loved it. Loved him. Was so happy.

 

 

* * *

 

  
The beginning of April was always the worst time to have a track meet - soggy, gray, still too cold to wear track shorts. Kylo wasn't competing, and it still hurt not to, but being on the other side of the field gave him perspective. The meet hosted many different schools, and the stadium packed full of uninterested parents and students milling around in the drizzle among the various events. It was a lot different from the other games he and Hux had been forced to attend throughout the year, and he'd never noticed when he'd been so focused on winning the races.

Hux and Kylo still had their mascot duties, though Kylo wasn’t sure why - there weren’t really cheers to lead during a track meet, and it was obvious neither of them were interested in giving even the bare minimum anymore. Mr. Canady had threatened Kylo more than once with suspension or expulsion if he didn’t show up, but Kylo had stopped taking the threats seriously. It wouldn’t happen so close to graduation, not unless he actually punched someone.

And his temper had been much easier to control lately.

They were currently hiding under the bleachers, where they'd been spending the majority of every track meet. The head of the mascot costume was lying on the ground, forgotten, next to his feet. He still hated removing it where anyone could see, especially in such a big crowd full of people that hadn't seen his facial scar. It had healed badly, pink and puckered and shiny. He wore a deep hood when he was out in public, and he still had trouble going to school and public places. Hux usually had to drag him.

Hux kissed the scar every morning when they woke up, which did make Kylo feel better, although he would rather die than admit that. Even to Hux. 

They did a lot of kissing every day, as often as they could. The novelty of it had never worn off. They kissed in the mornings until Hux stopped them, complaining that they couldn’t be late to school. They kissed at lunch, pressed into the cold brick wall behind the school building. Kylo badly wanted to eat, but he wanted Hux more. They made out in Hux’s car, a lot, usually in the parking lot of the abandoned china factory on the river, where the distinctive car could be hidden and nobody would spot the windows fogging.

Hux slept over every night now, regardless of whether his father was home. They’d apparently had a fight about it, though Hux hadn't explained any more than that. Leia had mentioned seeing Brendol’s car in the driveway next door, but had only smirked when Hux asked her if she wanted to spend the evening with Brendol instead.

Kylo suspected Leia knew about them, and had maybe known about it for a long time. But if she noticed anything different between them now, she hadn't said anything about it. Which was good, because she and Hux still seemed to... struggle with each other.

He wondered when she’d figured things out between them. Maybe she’d always known, and that was part of why she hated Hux. Weren’t parents supposed to hate their kid’s boyfriends? Still, he had a hard time believing she was okay with them sleeping together. He wasn't planning on bringing any of it up anytime soon. How would that conversation go, anyway? 'Hi mom, Hux and I are dating now, if you need us, we'll be upstairs in our room together?'

Yeah, right.

They were kissing now, hidden by the bleachers and the utility shed, Hux’s lips devouring Kylo’s like he was starving. They couldn’t make out in the locker rooms while they changed - the track team was too large, and there were too many people wandering around. So they did this, in between the brick wall of the stadium and the corrugated metal side of the shed. The forgotten space had been filthy and covered in spiderwebs, but they’d cleaned it out a few weeks ago, after Hux had suggested it.

Kylo, admittedly, loved making out in the costumes. Hux’s lips crept below the high collar of his jacket, sucking gently at his neck. Kylo’s hands played over Hux’s small ass and thighs through the fabric of his skirt. Kylo had been disappointed to find out that Hux had taken to wearing thermal pants under the skirt to the track meets. A comment about them being _unsexy_  and old-man-ish had done away with them forever, along with the pants that were meant to be worn under the long skirt. Hux had always been bizarrely vain.

They hadn’t gotten much farther than kissing, a hand up each other’s shirts, Kylo’s palm caressing the hot skin of Hux’s stomach in the heat of the moment. In bed, they’d begun getting off by rubbing against each other’s thighs. Progress was slow, and Kylo felt like anything else was a trespass against Hux’s body. He'd never worked up the nerve to ask for more.

But he wanted it. Hux moaned quietly into Kylo’s neck as Kylo twisted away from his mouth and began kissing Hux behind his ear in a particularly sensitive spot. Hux had nearly come untouched in his pants when Kylo had first found it. He'd moaned loudly enough for Kylo to give thanks that Leia was away, and every muscle in his body had tensed, his fingers digging into the back of Kylo's shoulders. He'd pushed Kylo away, telling him it was enough for the night, and had fled the room. 

Part of Kylo thought Hux had left the room because he hadn't liked the kiss. But everything about Hux had been so good, and when he'd come back a few minutes later, red-faced and angry-looking, Kylo had smirked and Hux had called him insufferable, curling up on his side of the bed with his back to Kylo. He'd let Kylo hold him from behind, pressing his nose in behind his ear, and they'd fallen asleep like that.

Now, as Kylo kissed him lightly behind the ear, Hux stifled his moan into Kylo's shoulder, making Kylo shiver. He’d somehow never imagined the noises that Hux would make when they were kissing. It was one of the most exciting things he'd learned about Hux.  When Leia was away, and especially when he was grunting and rubbing himself against Kylo’s thigh, he was very loud. But when they were out in public, Hux tried harder to stay quiet, generally only letting himself make small noises when his mouth was covered, usually by Kylo's mouth.

That was, admittedly, very hot. But Kylo wanted to hear more now. He always wanted _more_ from Hux. He wondered if it would ever stop.

His hand caressed Hux’s backside, his fingers finding the top of his thigh, the small, slight crease where Hux’s flat ass started. He slipped his fingers up and down Hux's thigh, but when he realized something was different, he was the one that moaned into Hux’s shoulder, closing his eyes.

“Fucker. You took off your underwear,” he murmured into Hux’s ear.

“Mmm,” Hux agreed, a tongue coming up to lick into the shell of Kylo’s ear. “I can tell you’ve been considering… something. I thought it would be easier this way.”

It was all the encouragement Kylo needed. He hiked Hux’s long skirt up and put one palm against Hux’s bare ass, warm and smooth and perfect, pushing his back against the wall to shield his nudity. He wished, badly, that they were at home. He wanted to see the pale skin, wanted to run a nail along the curve of his ass and watch the red line rise up behind it.

“Your hand is fucking cold, Kylo,” Hux said, shuddering and pulling himself closer.

“Do you want me to put the gloves back on?”

“Don’t you dare.”

They kissed, and Kylo couldn’t stop stroking his hand against Hux’s skin, the other hand on Hux's waist. He had been surprised by the size contrast when they’d first begun all this - his hand looked so big and clumsy there, Hux’s waist trim and narrow. He squeezed now, both at waist and ass, and nipped at Hux’s lip.

“Will you wear a skirt after we graduate?”

Hux pulled back from the kiss, eyes narrowing. But he left his arms draped around Kylo’s neck. "Would you like that better than my satin pajamas?"

Getting to touch Hux _in_ the satin pajamas was another one of Kylo's favorite things. "You can own more than one set of clothes, Hux."

"Maybe I’ll buy my own skirt, and we can get it out if you’ve been very good.”

Kylo grinned, squeezing Hux again, and Hux’s eyes dropped closed as he tipped his forehead against Kylo's and made a sound of acknowledgement. Something so small, so simple, still made Kylo's chest tighten, and he could barely stand it.

“I wish we could have done this sooner. I would have. Years. Hux. I-”

“You’re an idiot. I practically begged for it. I didn’t think you wanted me.”

"I always want you," Kylo answered automatically, scowling at how badly Hux had misunderstood his feelings. Then the first part of what Hux had said registered.

“ _Begged_?” Kylo’s mouth fell open, and Hux opened his eyes again, looking annoyed by the interruption. “You don’t beg for anything. You barely even ask. Why didn’t you just…”

“What? Demand that my childhood friend, my only friend, make out with me?” Hux’s eyes softened. “Why didn’t you ask?”

Kylo scowled. “You know why.”

“I do,” Hux answered primly. “And I tried to make it obvious that you _could,_ if that was something you wanted. But you are very dense.”

“You keep saying that.”

“Do you want a list? I'll keep myself to things that have happened since the beginning of the school year, or we'll be here all night. I kissed you twice. I roleplayed sex. I took you out on dates. Repeatedly. I told you I loved you. I called you every day, I skipped school when you went missing-”

“Wait.” Kylo blinked. “When did you tell me you loved me?”

Hux’s face had gone red, and he was looking over Kylo’s shoulder. “Obviously it made quite the impression.”

“You didn’t! I would have-”

“Noticed?” Hux arched a brow, but he looked miserable. He looked away quickly. “After your accident. I kissed you and told you that. Practically climbed into your lap before that. Washed your hair. Shaved you.” Hux’s eyes found his again, and he looked more angry. “Why didn’t you do anything then?”

“I thought. That was what friends do.”

“Friends.” Hux’s voice was flat.

“I’ve only ever had one friend. For all I know, they do!” Kylo’s voice was getting too loud, and he couldn’t look at Hux.

Hux gave an exasperated sigh. “Well. Here we are.”

“Do you love me?” Kylo did look at him then. They hadn’t talked about this. Or any of it. Neither of them had ever been good at _discussing things_. They never talked about Kylo’s anger, and the way he hated talking to people, or people in general. They never talked about how Hux's father. They never talked about how lonely they were, or how they felt.

“Of course.”

Kylo squeezed him again and leaned in to rest his forehead on Hux’s shoulder. “Will you say it? Just once? So I remember?”

Hux sighed, holding him closer. “Yes, whatever. I love you. That should be obvious.” He sounded annoyed. Kylo smiled, then tipped his head up to kiss him on the cheek. His face was hot below his lips.

“I know,” Kylo murmured into his skin. Hux pulled back again, scowling.

Kylo grinned, the tight skin of his new scar pulling against his face. He never smiled, and rarely felt the scar pull. But he couldn’t help it now, and that Hux didn’t care about it made him grin wider. But it vanished quickly as some of his old worries came back to him - more of the things they hadn't talked about.

“You said you’d buy a skirt. Did you mean, like, after graduation?”

“If you like. If it’s very important to you. We’ll drive to Pittsburgh to get it, make a day of it.”

Kylo smiled another moment, but he didn't let himself get distracted. “Then are we staying together after school?”

Hux did pull away at that, pushing him at arm’s length and studying his expression. “Aren’t we?”

“I want to,” Kylo admitted, the ache and worry rising up in him again. He’d tried to make himself forget and be happy with what he had now, but the threat of separation was still there, and he let his anxiety pour from him. “But I don’t know what you’re going to do! I wanted to move with you to wherever you went to college, and share an apartment with you, or... something. I’d get a job and pay the rent, I’ve got savings from my dad-”

“I’m not going to college.”

Kylo stared at him, stunned. He hadn’t expected that, after so many months of Hux answering questions about _just how many_  college applications he’d submitted. “Then what are you going to do? Why won’t you tell me?”

Hux sighed, resting his arms on Kylo’s shoulders again. Kylo’s hands automatically went to his waist, and he waited for Hux to end his months of anxiety.

“I wanted to make sure. I needed to apply to every single college I could, and reject all of them. It had to be final before I told Brendol. And I wanted to…” He glanced away again. “I couldn’t do the next part, if we had. If you hadn’t.”

“Right.”

“Right.” Hux’s eyes went back to him. “I would have gone to college, otherwise. But I want to move away, Kylo. I just want to… live with you. But once I tell my father I’m not going to college, I won’t have any money. Or marketable skills. I should be able to find some shit job, but unfortunately, if you want to live with me, you might have to pay rent for a month or two.”

“I can,” Kylo exhaled. He had a lot of money. He would pay rent for two months, or forever. He would give Hux anything he asked for. “But..." he paused. He wasn't sure how to phrase his question, the part of Hux's plan that didn't make sense. He exhaled, looked up at Hux, and continued. "You won’t just work some job you hate forever. You never do anything without a plan. So you have to want something. Something else.”

"You don't think I want you?"

Kylo frowned. "No. I don't."

"I do. But." Hux looked away again, and looked back to Kylo. “The job you’re getting. You were going to be a mechanic?”

“Yeah, I guess. I know how to do that.”

“Right. You make a lot of money doing that.”

“Yeah. And I’ll always have work.” They wouldn’t ask about his face either, if he was just working in a garage. He suddenly realized how lucky he was that he _could_  work in a garage, since his facial scar would probably prevent him from getting a lot of other work. He hated that he had his dad to thank for his real skills.

“Mmm. Yes, you can keep doing that. But what about painting?”

Kylo frowned. “What about it?”

“You’re good at it.”

“Yeah. I’m good at drawing you. What about it?”

“No, your landscapes. I think.” He paused, and this time, he held Kylo’s eyes. “Maybe you can do something with that, too. If you wanted. I think you should keep doing it.”

Kylo shrugged uncomfortably. “I wasn’t going to stop.”

“Good. I want to write.”

Kylo stared at him. He hadn’t thought about that. “Like. Write a novel?”

Hux shrugged, looking back down now, his fingers playing with the buttons on the front of Kylo’s coat. “Yeah, but. Maybe short stories first. I figured I’d try submitting stuff to… magazines and things for a year. And maybe see how that goes, and take some writing classes after that.”

Affection swelled in Kylo. He’d never thought about Hux being a writer before, but-

“I guess it’s your only hobby,” Kylo admitted.

Hux shook his head, looking annoyed. “Careful. You’re also my only friend.”

Kylo snorted, and couldn't help but lean in and kiss Hux's scowl. They did that until Hux planted his hands on Kylo’s chest and pushed him away, fixing him with something like a glare.

“You never answered. Do you want to do that? Move somewhere and live with me, while I try to learn how to write?”

Kylo shook his head, angry that Hux would ask. “I’d leave right now, if you wanted.”

“Mmm.” Hux kissed him again, but quickly. “I do want to leave right now. But not to move out of town, not yet.” He looked more earnest, and his hands fell to cover Kylo’s. “I’m serious about… the move, though. Is that something you can see us doing?”

The question was very un-Hux-like. Vulnerable. It was hard not to prod his weakness, Kylo was so used to doing it whenever Hux showed him anything like this.

But this. He’d wanted it. He’d been thinking about it for years. And this way, Hux wouldn't be drawn into a life in college that Kylo couldn't be a part of. They’d be working, and-

“I love your stories,” he admitted instead. “I think it will work.”

Hux sighed, stepping back and straightening his skirt back into place. “Well. That’s settled. Put your costume back on,” he said simply. Like they’d decided to make soup for dinner tonight, and not fuck off and live together. It was practically eloping. Kylo felt his throat tightening, and a surge of love well up through him.

They’d both had erections earlier, but Hux’s had gone away. Kylo’s had not, because he could not stop thinking about Hux being bare beneath his skirt. He shifted, pulling his jacket down and leaning over to get his mascot head so that Hux wouldn’t gloat.

“I love you,” he said while he was hunched over, annoyed that Hux had gotten it out of him, too.

“Good. I’d hate to move in with someone who didn’t.”

Kylo dropped the mascot head over his face again, turning to watch Hux push his hair back and tie the bonnet primly back into place. “You said you wanted to leave.”

“Yes. Let’s walk through the crowd one more time. Make an attempt to do whatever it is we’re supposed to do here.”

“What about after that?”

Hux arched his eyebrows again. Kylo was hoping for the car. Hux knew it, but was of course being a shit about it.

“I have to work on my valedictorian speech.”

“Hux. That’s two months away.” His voice sounded whiny and echo-y with the head on. He wanted to touch Hux more. Preferably with the skirt on, and without underwear, if that was a thing that Hux wanted now.

He thought about touching Hux’s cock with his bare hand, with no fabric to stop him. He thought about how smooth it would feel, what it would be like to stroke him, and how Hux’s come would feel in his hand. Did Hux like to be touched the same way Kylo touched himself? His own cock twitched, and he tried to banish his thoughts and will away his erection, because it was starting to become obvious even in his baggy pants and coat.

“Yes, I know it’s two months away. But I like to be prepared.”

“ _Hux_.”

“Did you have something else in mind?”

Kylo stopped, and smiled to himself beneath the mask. “A game.”

Hux’s mouth fell open. They hadn’t, not since they’d started kissing. They’d both… forgotten. And also, been out on dates, and watching movies in each other’s laps, and basically. All of that.

But he was thinking of the sex scenes. He wanted to see if Hux could get all the way through one. Preferably without underwear.

Hux knew, and scowled, straightening his bonnet and walking out from under the bleachers. Kylo watched his ass shift beneath the skirt.

 


	4. Summer

“There,” Hux said, stepping back with a look of smug satisfaction on his face as he wiped at his brow. “It’s finished.”

“Thanks for all the help,” Kylo replied from his position on the floor, back against the wall. It was sweltering hot in their new apartment, and all their stuff had to come up three flights of stairs. Hux had been no help, carrying only the smallest boxes and reminding Kylo about his daily exercise routine.

Kylo had also assembled the bed. They had wanted to take Kylo’s king size bed from the house, but Leia had bought them a new one as a graduation gift. She still wasn’t happy about Kylo not going to college, and seemed to hate Hux even more after she found out he wasn’t either. She hadn’t really spoken to either of them after the initial round of fights. But then again, she’d also been in Charleston most of the time, and Kylo would rather not fight with her. Neither of them would have given in.

She had come to their graduation ceremony, though. She'd taken their photo together, and hugged them both, and generally made a scene. While still complaining about how neither was going to college, of course.

Their new bed had been delivered as they were unloading the last of the boxes out of Han’s old truck. The delivery drivers were the ones that hauled the mattress and boxsprings up the stairs. Kylo still didn't understand how.

After Kylo put the frame and headboard together and wrestled the boxsprings and mattress into place, Hux had covered it with an old set of sheets they’d taken from the house. He still looked overly proud of himself. “We’ll need more sheets for the bed, too.”

“What for?”

Hux gave him a disgusted look. “Because the sheets need replaced every week?”

“ _Replaced_?”

“Laundered.” Hux rolled his eyes, collapsing on top of the new mattress and closing his eyes. “I’ll put a new set on when I’m washing the old.”

It was too damn hot. Kylo lurched to his feet, nearly tripping over a stack of boxes as he made his way to the window. He struggled with it, throwing the lock and digging his nails into the filthy lower frame, the wood rotting around the handholds. “We don’t need to do that every week. Fuck. It probably won't even feel like we even live here for at least another month. Besides, I never changed the sheets that often before.”

The window gave with a shriek, and Kylo threw it open all the way. There was no screen. There was also no breeze.

“You never changed them,” Hux replied, his voice sharp from behind him. “I did that every week.”

“Creep.” Kylo glanced over to the other sealed window, decided opening it was too much work, then joined Hux on the bed, collapsing with his head over Hux’s thigh.

Hux slapped at his shoulder ineffectually. “It’s too hot for that.”

“It’s too hot to move.”

“Turn on the ceiling fan.”

“I tried. It doesn’t work.”

“Can you fix it?”

Kylo grunted a non-response. Probably, but he’d have to take the whole fucking thing apart. He’d need a ladder for that. From his dad or Chewie. It was too hot. He closed his eyes.

“Then we need a fan for the window. Or something. It's too hot to go without.”

“You’re being generous with my money.”

Hux was silent, and Kylo rolled onto his side, gazing up the length of Hux’s body. Since Hux's clothes were too nice to do the moving in, he was wearing one of Kylo’s old t-shirts and shorts. All of it hung off him loosely. Kylo wanted to slide a hand underneath the hem of the shirt, but Hux looked too miserable. Even his hair was a mess.

“Will your dad ever speak to you again?” Kylo asked into the silence, rolling onto his back again and closing his eyes. The subject of money was a touchy one. Hux had found work as an administrative assistant in Charleston just before they moved, and it paid pretty well for an entry level position. But they’d have to live off Kylo’s savings for two weeks. Kylo didn’t mind. That’s what it was for, and it would take nearly a year of neither of them working to deplete it. But he knew Hux hated not being able to contribute. His dad had all but thrown him out after Hux had told him he wasn’t going to college. He’d been living with Kylo since May, and neither of them had seen him since.

“I don’t care. He already didn’t speak to me,” Hux replied, trying to shift his thigh out from under Kylo’s head. Kylo grabbed him, holding his leg in place. Hux made a noise of annoyance, but stopped struggling. “Will Leia ever speak to you again?”

“She bought us a bed, didn’t she?” Kylo smiled. “Besides. I think she hates you more than she hates me.”

“That’s because you made me explain everything to her.”

Kylo laughed. His attempts to explain his plans to move to Charleston with Hux had ended in shouting matches between the two of them, Kylo slamming doors and punching walls. After three of these fights, Hux had lost his patience and had explained everything to Leia himself. Kylo had been upstairs, still furious, and couldn’t hear the conversation distinctly. He’d been able to hear his mother’s voice rising, shouting, asking how they expected to get anywhere, how they were going to make a living. Whatever Hux had said, it was calm, level. He knew his mother hated arguing with him.

“Did she talk to you after that?”

“Kylo. She didn’t even come home after that.”

That hadn't had anything to do with them, really. Leia hadn't been around much in the last two years, but she also hadn't run for office in Charleston until Kylo had been old enough to take care of himself.  And in the early days, she had made the long drive back and forth every night, until Kylo had told her not to bother. She had always been career-oriented, and tied up in local politics, but she always made sure he had everything he needed.

Which was still true now. He probably did need college. But it was such a relief not to have to go.

They were silent for several more minutes. Kylo could hear the hum of tires on the road below them, the distant shouts of children playing. It was still hot. He was still tired. His thoughts were blissfully empty. It wasn’t like school - he didn’t have to worry about his grades, about pleasing anyone. He didn’t even really worry about his scar or his body anymore. Hux had made it more than clear that he liked both, and his worries had vanished once school had ended.

He’d been told all his life, even by Hux, that everything he did in school was an investment in his future. He needed college in order to get a good job, to have a house and a life and whatever else he wanted.

But he realized, without school, that this was all he wanted. Hux, and a shitty apartment they could live in together. He hadn’t found a garage to work in yet, but hadn't even really bothered applying yet. He’d been thinking about getting his own garage, anyway. It would be a pain in the ass, but his dad’s friend Lando lived in the city and would help him, and he could take whatever work he wanted that way. No more shitty Volvos and Volkswagens. And he could make his own hours, too.

He jumped when Hux’s fingers found their way into his hair, massaging the sweaty mess of his scalp. He was still for a few seconds, then rolled over and grabbed Hux’s waist, burying his face in his stomach.

“Kylo, it’s too hot for that,” Hux complained, more sharply this time, pushing against Kylo’s shoulders. He still wasn’t resisting very hard, so Kylo stayed in place. “We can’t stay in bed all afternoon. We have to do something. Unpack. Build the bookcases.”

“Hux. Unless you’re building the bookcases and desk, it’s not getting done today.”

“I can’t live like this.”

“I can. And I’m tired.”

Hux sighed dramatically in response, but put both hands in Kylo’s hair this time. “ _Fine_. Why don’t we play the game instead?”

Kylo rolled over enough to open one eye and peer up at Hux, who still looked sweaty and miserable. “Are you trying to get me to unpack the books?”

“We need the character sheets to play.”

Kylo rolled back over to hide his face. “We don’t. Just make up a story.”

“We have to go to Jakku next-”

“We don’t. Fuck, just do something on the ship.”

“Like what?”

Hux knew exactly what Kylo was asking for. Kylo clenched his jaw, then mumbled into Hux’s stomach.

“Does Kylo Ren live with General Hux?”

They’d started a new game just before graduation. They were still playing Star Wars, but they'd decided to start new characters that worked together for the Empire. But they'd only played two sessions so far - Hux had been obsessed with finding a place for them to live, and they’d spent their nights driving back and forth from Charleston whenever Kylo wasn’t working in Han’s garage.

Their characters were more themselves than they usually were. Kylo had assumed that it was for the purposes of living together. But so far, Hux had made it seem as if the two hated each other. They’d done a mission where Kylo Ren, the Force-using Commander, had gone planetside with Stormtroopers while General Hux advised him via comm. But when Kylo Ren had come back to their Star Destroyer and tried to start the same kind of bedroom scenes Hux had been roleplaying in their last game, General Hux picked a fight about Kylo's failed rolls during the mission.

Hux was silent for a full minute, but his fingers didn’t stop moving in Kylo’s hair. “Yes,” he said simply. “They live together.”

“What does the room look like?”

“You’re the one that’s been figuring that out. Draw it.”

Kylo waved vaguely in the direction of the boxes, not budging his face from Hux’s stomach. “My art shit is packed away. Just tell me.”

“Fine. Let me up. I’m not laying down to do this.”

“You’re not the one that hauled everything upstairs, Hux.”

“Shut up.” Hux slid himself up to the headboard, managing to look imperious even after sweating through his shirt. Kylo slid up, resuming his previous position.

“Kylo, it’s still too hot.”

“Shut up, Hux. What do General Hux and Kylo Ren’s quarters look like?”

“Imperial. Gray and steel.”

“What about their bed?”

“You assume they have one bed.”

“They aren’t fucking stationed together by accident. The Empire can afford separate bedrooms for their Commanders if they want them. If they live together, they have one bed.”

“ _Fine_ ,” Hux sounded put upon. Kylo could practically hear the eye roll. “They have one bed.”

“Are the sheets black?”

“Yes. It makes them extra evil.”

“What do they do in the bed when they aren’t fighting?”

Hux hesitated. “They usually are.”

“But when they’re not?”

Kylo squeezed Hux’s waist for emphasis. Hux was silent.

Kylo mentally cursed. He’d been so forward about these roleplaying scenes before, so _bold_. Kylo wanted to hear more now. But Hux remained silent, so Kylo decided to say it himself. This was the start of his new life, and he wasn’t going to be shy about what he wanted with Hux anymore.

“When they aren’t fighting, I think they can’t keep their hands off each other. I think, before Jakku, General Hux was excited about the mission, about how well Kylo Ren would perform on Jakku, and what would happen after Kylo Ren got the map from the village.”

“Kylo Ren’s missions haven’t been that successful. Except for the murder of innocent bystanders.”

That was true. Somehow, Kylo failed everything but physical rolls. It was infuriating in the game itself, but Kylo decided to run with it for now. “I think General Hux likes that, too. I think he likes staying in the Star Destroyer and watching the video feeds that show Kylo Ren using his lightsaber on the aliens. I think General Hux really  _appreciates_  how strong he is.”

“That’s awful. Why would anyone be turned on by a murderer?”

“The General was the one who wanted the village cleared. He must get something from it. I'm sure all those Imperial officers like watching the Empire crush weaker enemies, and General Hux is probably no different."

“You’re putting words in General Hux’s mouth.”

“I don’t need to. We both know General Hux likes it when Kylo Ren holds him down and tells him what to do.”

Hux’s fingers had stilled in Kylo’s hair. Kylo rolled over and opened his eyes to see Hux’s face. It was very, very red. And flabbergasted.

Ren grinned, grabbing Hux around the waist and pulling him down off the pillows. Hux shouted a protest, gripping Kylo’s wrists, and Kylo rolled on top of him, straddling his hips with his thighs, holding himself well above Hux.

“I think General Hux is too embarrassed to admit what he likes,” Kylo said, pitching his voice lower. “I think he likes it when Kylo Ren tell him instead.”

He leaned in and kissed Hux. Hux’s lips didn’t move at first, and then he was hesitant, opening his mouth just a little. Kylo put a hand to his neck, running his thumb along Hux’s sweaty collarbone. It really was too hot. He positioned his fingers over the pulse in Hux’s neck. He could feel Hux’s heart slamming in his chest.

Kylo broke the kiss, leaning back, grinning. For once, he wasn’t nervous. Along with starting a new life, he’d finally taken Hux’s reassurances to heart. Hux really did love him. He always had. Kylo had grown bolder when it came to pushing the boundaries between them, little by little.

Hux looked shocked beneath him, which was rare enough to make Kylo grin wider. He pushed Hux’s hair away where it was stuck to his forehead with sweat. He’d let it grow a bit longer since school ended, and Kylo thought it looked better. He kissed the freckles that were dusted high on Hux’s cheek. Gently. He’d thought about that for years. He did it every morning now, when they woke up.

“Am I wrong about General Hux?” Kylo asked, studying Hux’s face.

Hux thinned his lips, schooling his expression to something closer to anger. Then, he grabbed Kylo, wrapping his hands around the back of his neck and pulling him down. He kissed Kylo fiercely, with tongue and teeth, and it was so hot where they were touching each other, chests and thighs and the back of Kylo's neck. Kylo could taste the milkshake Hux had with his lunch, when they'd driven out of town for the last time. Hux tasted sweet, and Kylo wanted to devour him.

Hux opened his mouth wider, and Kylo went deeper, pushing a hand up under Hux’s shirt and dragging his fingers along his sticky skin, up his side, along his ribs, down the center of his chest, and finally dipping into his belly button, just below the waistband of his pants. He ran his thumb along the soft hair around Hux’s navel, then slightly below.

He pulled away, examining Hux’s reaction to his touch. Hux had a sullen look on his face, which was how he always looked when they made out - Kylo hadn’t yet asked why it made him so mad. Satisfied that Hux wasn’t opposed to what they were doing, he leaned forward again to kiss Hux’s jaw, then below his ear and down his neck, licking just over his pulse point. Hux tilted his head to the side to give better access, and Kylo kissed him again. He moved to the base of his neck and shoulder and sucked gently, too lightly to leave a mark, but he teased his teeth lightly over skin. When Hux began making his usual small noises, Kylo moved to his collarbone, pulling the collar of his shirt down and licking at the hollow of his throat. He tasted like sweat, and smelled overly strong. Hux would hate it if Kylo told him.

Kylo planted a hand on Hux’s chest and pushed himself up, shifting his weight more fully onto Hux and feeling the springs of the bed creak beneath them. He studied Hux’s face again - still red, still vaguely angry-looking. It told Kylo nothing.

“Do you like our new apartment?”

Irritation flicked across Hux’s expression. “It’s a studio. It has a shitty bathroom and a kitchenette.”

“Hux. You don’t cook.”

“It doesn’t even have a counter.”

“I can use the table.”

“We don’t have one.”

“I’ll buy one.” He leaned in closer, holding Hux’s gaze. “What about our new bed?”

Hux turned away, looking at the blank wall. “I don’t know yet.”

Kylo pushed himself further down the bed and pulled Hux’s shirt up, exposing his pale skin, his pink nipples, and his complete lack of chest hair. He planted three kisses down the center of his chest. Hux was still sweating, and Kylo could feel his heart hammering. Kylo glanced back up into Hux’s face.

“Will you stop me if you don’t like something?”

Hux nodded once, his fingers going to Kylo’s hair, clenching it, pulling slightly. Kylo smiled, kissing his stomach, and Hux arched into the touch. But the sounds he usually made had stopped, and Kylo could tell that Hux was nervous.

“Can you… make those sounds for me? Anything? So I know you like it?”

Hux’s expression shifted into confusion, then into something that looked more genuinely upset. Kylo surged up, gripping his shoulders.

“It’s okay. You don’t have to, I-”

“No,” Hux said, shaking his head. “Just…” He turned very red again. “Tell me to. And... hold me down. I think you were. Right. About that.”

Kylo’s mouth fell open in surprise, and he quickly closed it. He moved eagerly back down, pushing his hips against the mattress between Hux’s legs. He was hard already, and wanted friction badly.

They hadn’t gotten very far yet. They’d kissed, a lot. They’d humped against each other until they came in their pajamas. They'd had their hands on each other a few memorable times, notably after track meets while Hux was wearing the skirt, and one last time at the graduation ceremony in the seclusion of the gym locker rooms.

They’d done that a few times since in the bedroom, but it felt more intimate there, and neither had enjoyed it as much. For Hux’s nineteenth birthday two weeks ago, Kylo had jerked both of them off, pushing Hux’s boxers down and pulling him close when they both woke up. They’d done it two more times that day, but not since then, one or the other of them shying away from the intimacy.

Kylo would stop now, if that’s what Hux wanted. But Kylo hoped they could try something new today, now that they were starting over.

He kissed his way down Hux’s chest, pausing at his nipples, then glancing up at Hux. He wanted to lick them, suck them. He hadn’t yet. He kissed one experimentally, and Hux made a gasping noise. He looked up at Hux’s face. His eyes were closed, and he was still very red. The nipple had peaked, and Kylo licked it again slowly, using the point of his tongue. Hux arched his back slightly, a small moan escaping this time.

The sound went straight to Kylo’s cock, and he pushed his hips against the bed, stifling his own noise by pushing his face into the softness of Hux’s chest. He kissed his nipple again, sucking gently for a moment, then moved further down, to his hips, his navel. He pulled down the waistband of Hux’s shorts (that were actually Kylo's shorts, and that was pretty hot) and kissed the hair below his navel. Hux made a noise again, twitched his hips.

Kylo pulled the waistband further down, exposing Hux’s white briefs, his erection, the slight stain at the tip where precome had begun to leak. He ran an index finger down the length of Hux's cock, over the underwear.

"I want this. So badly, Hux. I want my mouth here. Can I-"

"Keep going. I'll stop you, if. If." Hux made a frustrated noise, balling his fists up in the sheets and glaring down the length of his body.

Kylo blinked at him. They’d touched each other, but… they hadn’t really looked at each other naked. Not like this.

Carefully, he kissed the damp spot on the front of Hux’s briefs, then lower down Hux’s shaft. Hux was like a furnace - he was so hot down here. Kylo wanted to touch him so badly, to look and see. Hux made a strange strangling noise, and when Kylo looked up, Hux’s eyes were still closed. But Hux twitched his hips again, and Kylo took that as a sign that he could keep going.

He pulled his own shorts down, exposing his underwear, and slid back up Hux’s body. He couldn’t stand not touching Hux everywhere, so he dragged his palms up his sides, slid his tongue back into Hux’s mouth, and began rutting against Hux.

They’d done this in their pants before, especially their pajama pants. But not their underwear. Hux moaned into Kylo’s mouth as they were kissing, and Kylo whimpered, that small thing nearly undoing him. He loved it when Hux made noises into his mouth.

But he wanted to try more.

Hux’s hands had gone to Kylo’s ass, squeezing it, and Kylo grabbed one palm, wrapping their fingers together, pulling back and murmuring against Hux's lips.

“Can I suck your cock, Hux? Is that okay?”

“Yes, Kylo, yes, just… anything, just do it-”

Hux closed his mouth and turned his face away again, sliding his hips against Kylo's for friction. Kylo was stunned by this - Hux rarely _actually_  asked for anything.

He shifted down again and pulled at Hux’s briefs, peeling them away from his sweaty skin and cock. Precome trailed between the fabric and tip, and Kylo moved slowly, entranced as he watched the thread stretch and break. He thought that image might be seared into his brain forever.

Hux’s dick was smaller than his own, even hard. But much like the rest of Hux, Kylo found it incredibly beautiful, though he was sure Hux would kill him if he ever said that out loud. Now, the head of Hux’s cock lay just above the line of light pubic hair. Kylo had seen Hux naked before, too, but it had been awhile, and not since they'd finally come together.

And he’d never seen Hux hard. He wanted to cry.

Instead, he took an experimental lick at Hux’s cock. Hux made the strangled noise again, and Kylo froze, suddenly unsure. What would feel good? Kylo thought that if Hux put his mouth on his dick, Kylo would come immediately. But he didn’t want that, since he wasn’t sure what to do with a mouthful of Hux’s come. Spit it out? Swallow it? He didn’t know if he could do the latter, and Hux might get mad if he spat it onto the clean sheets.

“Tell me if you’re about to come,” he asked, his voice coming out low and steady, and he was almost proud of himself. Hux thrust his hips forward, his cock rolling against his body, full and leaking. His fingers were in Kylo’s hair again, pulling, and Kylo decided he liked that very much.

Remembering that Hux had asked to be held down, he gripped Hux's thighs, his hands encircling each more than halfway, and spread them slightly, leaning his weight against them to hold Hux in place. Hux moaned, and jerked his legs in response, but Kylo held him firmly, tipping his head to hide his grin. Hux pulled his hair again in response.

Satisfied that Hux was in a good position, he stretched his lips over the head of Hux’s cock, pushing it into his mouth and stroking his tongue along the underside of the head, along the parts of the shaft he could reach without taking too much into his mouth. He pulled off again, running his lips over the length, pushing his tongue against the slit before rolling it with his tongue. Hux smelled predictably sweaty, which Kylo loved, though he found the non-taste of his precome more than a little strange.

He shifted his grip against Hux's thighs, pushing them up and parting them slightly so Hux's legs were in the air. Hux exhaled loudly, following his next breath with a moan as he pulled on Kylo's scalp and twisted in his grip. Kylo held him firm, which only made Hux twist and breathe harder, each breath chased with a tiny noise. He was getting louder, which meant he was probably getting closer to coming.

He licked the full length of Hux’s shaft once, and it earned him an enthusiastic shout from Hux and another twitch of his legs. Kylo squeezed his thighs and did it again, then took the shaft back into his mouth, pushing down as far as he could. He found he could take Hux’s entire length in his mouth, the head just touching the back of his throat. He tightened his lips around the base, and Hux shouted again, his hands moving to his shoulders.

“Kylo! Kylo, I’m going to-”

Kylo pulled off, alarmed, grabbing the length (the bare length, god, it was smooth and warm and so nice-) in his fist. It was twitching and throbbing, and everything about this was exactly what Kylo wanted.

“Not yet,” he said, hoping the firmness of his voice would help calm Hux down. He shifted his grip on Hux's thigh again with the hand that wasn't holding his cock. “Don’t. I want to do one more thing.”

Hux clenched his jaw, trembling, and Kylo moved both hands to his hips, wrapping his fingers around his ass. Hux was breathing hard, and his blush had crept down to his chest, below where his shirt was pulled up. He kept his legs in the air, knees bent, and expression was tight as he obviously fought for control of himself. But after a moment, his breathing stabilized, his legs shifted back down to the bed, and his eyes opened.

“ _Hurry_ ,” he hissed. “Whatever you want to do, do it now.”

Kylo smiled, pulling his own shirt off, then Hux’s. Next, he slowly pulled his briefs down, freeing his own erection and tossing them onto the bare wood of the floor. Now, they were both fully naked in front of each other for the first time since they'd started dating.

It felt right, to do this together now, in their new apartment, though Kylo had wanted it very badly before. It felt like a ceremony, as if they’d been waiting to start their new life together like this. Hux, naked and beautiful, was stretched out below him, his eyes staring at him with a mix of worry and arousal and perfect fucking trust. Kylo’s heart twisted in his chest, and he wanted to cry again.

This. Every erotic thought he'd ever had of Hux paled in comparison to the real thing.

He also wanted to jerk himself until he came all over Hux, but he didn’t think Hux would like that. Or, at least, he would pretend not to like it later. All the same, his cock twitched at the thought. In his mind, his own cock wasn’t nearly as nice as Hux’s - thick, long, his hair too dark and thick. But Hux propped himself up on his elbows to look when Kylo straddled his hips again. Hux looked at Kylo’s erection for a long time, long enough for a drop of precome to stretch and fall onto Hux’s belly. Kylo wanted to hide it with a hand.

Eventually, Hux looked back up into his face. He raised a hand and ran his fingertips up the scar on Kylo's shoulder, following it to his cheek, just below his eye. The nerves were dead in it, but it was still one of the most intimate things Hux had done, and it made Kylo close his eyes and shudder, his cock throbbing in response.

“I don’t want- I don’t think we can. Fuck. Today,” Hux managed to say.

Kylo opened his eyes and saw his face, bright red and miserable beneath Kylo. He was speechless. That thought hadn’t crossed his mind.

“I didn't want to. Well, not today. I mean, I do want to-" He stopped, closing his eyes and trying to calm himself down. He needed to not fucking ramble. He took one breath, two, then opened his eyes again. "How would it work?” He laid himself down on top of Hux again, pressing his erection into Hux's belly. He felt Hux’s cock pulse between them. Hux was clearly on the edge.

“Work? You mean, who’s on top and who’s on the bottom?”

“Yeah.”

Hux frowned, his hands going to Kylo’s shoulders. “I assumed you’d be on top. Like now. You seem to like that."

Kylo blushed furiously. He did like that, but. “I always thought. When I pictured it before, it was with you on top.”

Hux’s eyebrows went up. “Really?”

“Yeah. I mean-” Kylo thinned his lips, and looked away from Hux. Really, he had a hard time imagining his dick inside Hux. It seemed like it would hurt him, and be wrong, somehow, to violate him that way. He couldn’t do it. “I think I’d like that better.”

Hux frowned. “If you want. But I still don’t want to do it today.”

“No! But I was going to-” He kissed Hux’s neck, then reached over, stretching for the nightstand drawer. They had a bottle of lubricant, one Kylo had bought furtively. They'd only used it a few times, but he really wanted it now. He’d kept the bottle inside the nightstand for the move, joking that it didn’t belong in with the other bathroom stuff. Hux had been disgusted that he’d kept it there. 

Kylo grabbed it, managing to keep an 'I told you so' back, repositioning himself on top of Hux and popping the cap open. A sudden thought occurred to him, and he grinned.

“If I were Kylo Ren, on the _Finalizer_ , I’d use the Force to grab it out of the drawer.”

“ _Kylo_. What a fucking waste of magical powers.”

“Kylo Ren isn’t a Jedi. That seems like a Dark side thing, doesn’t it? Like, something an Imperial would do?”

“In this scenario, is General Hux the one that fucks Kylo Ren?”

Kylo thought about it, squeezing lube into his palm. He intentionally used too much, though it would get on the sheets and Hux would be mad. “I don’t know. Would he?”

“You’re the one that said he fantasized about being dominated by Kylo Ren.”

“Then I guess he doesn't.” He brought his hand between them, pushing himself up and slipping his palm around their cocks. His was so much bigger than Hux’s, but they both fit in his hand. He began pumping slowly, moving his hips rhythmically with the motion.

Hux made more noises, a moan, then more quiet gasping noises as he breathed through his nose. Thinking of General Hux, Kylo pressed their chests together and moved his other hand up, grabbing both of Hux’s wrists where they were crossed above Hux’s head and pinning them above him. His hands were slick with lubricant, and the hold wasn't very effective, but he bore down, pressing his hands into the mattress.

Hux’s eyes shot open, along with his mouth. Kylo rolled his hips, grinning, and Hux moaned helplessly, wrapping his legs around Kylo's waist.

“I can still hold you down. Ride you. I’d like that.”

“Kylo, God, this is-”

Hux was moving his hips erratically now, and Kylo fit their mouths together. It was hot, very hot, their chests were both coated in sweat and sliding together. Hux would hate this if he thought about it for even a moment. But Hux was moaning into Kylo’s mouth, and he could stand to be a little dirty for that.

Hux's hips stilled suddenly, and he could feel Hux tighten and tremble beneath him. Kylo was almost there too, and suddenly had an impulsive thought, his hand in motion before he could stop himself. He let go of Hux's wrists, cupping Hux's balls for a moment, then slipped a finger lower, pushing the slick tip of his index finger just past the entrance of Hux's tight hole.

Hux’s eyes shot open, and he pulled away from Kylo’s mouth as he shouted and came, arching his back and stuffing his wrist in his mouth to muffle his shouting. Kylo slid his finger out and away, gripping what he could of Hux’s ass tightly as he came himself, his other hand tight around their cocks, Hux’s still pulsing in his fingers, his thumb digging into the base of his own as he closed his eyes and muffled shout against his own wrist. Hux probably had the right idea, with the window open and the two of them new to the neighborhood.

He collapsed on top of Hux, realizing as their stomachs touched that he’d come all over Hux’s chest anyway. Or Hux had. They were both gasping for breath. Kylo wasn’t sure he could move. Or that he even wanted to.

They stayed that way for almost a full minute before Hux began to squirm. “Kylo. It’s hot. And you are heavy.”

This time, Kylo did roll off, because Hux was right. Now the heat was unbearable.

So they laid together, side by side in their brand new king-size bed. Eventually, Hux found his hand, the one that had been around their cocks, and laced their fingers together, putting his dry palm against Kylo’s sticky one.

“Are you mad at me?” Kylo asked, after several more moments of silence.

“For what?”

“For… the finger, at the end.”

“Mmmm. No. I’m mad at you for the sheets. I told you we only had one set.”

“I like them better like this.”

“Kylo. You’re disgusting.”

 _Kylo_. He could be Kylo now. To everyone. Ben was someone who hid his face and his body and didn’t talk to anyone. Kylo Ren lived in this apartment with Hux, and paid his own rent and ran his own garage and cooked for his boyfriend and basically had the perfect life.

All that worrying he’d done. Almost a year where he’d thought Hux was moving away and Kylo would never see him again.

What an asshole. They could have had a year more of this. He could have been getting fucked by Hux in their big bed right now, if Hux had only been more forward.

Or Kylo had.

“I love you,” Kylo said aloud, turning his head to look at Hux in profile. Hux's eyes were closed, and his hair was even more of a mess, dark with sweat and sticking out where one of his hands had made a mess of it. His cheeks were still flushed, spots of color standing out against his pale skin.

His brow pinched, as if the confession grieved him. “I know,” he answered, turning and looking at Kylo with very blue eyes. He wasn’t smiling.

Kylo’s heart skipped a beat. “Like, _Empire Strikes Back_  I know, or, like, I shouldn’t have said that now?”

“Kylo.” His brow creased again. “We just watched that in the theater. And I have your come drying on my chest, and nearly suffered a heat stroke to get it there. What do you think?”

Kylo frowned. “I don’t know, Hux. Why don’t you tell me?”

Hux closed his eyes again, rolling his head back to face the ceiling. He pushed his hair out of his face with his free hand. “Yes, you idiot. I love you. I always have.”

Kylo smiled, closing his eyes and turning his own face back to the ceiling. “In that case, I’ll fix the fan this afternoon.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> Kylo's body image issues come up periodically. He is shy about his appearance in general, and believes he is unattractive. But he worries specifically about weight he's gained, and his eating habits throughout the year. He develops an exercise routine to lose weight. Despite what Kylo thinks, his weight gain and appetite are pretty regular, and eventually Hux helps him feel more confident about his appearance. He also gets his Kylo Ren scar at the beginning of the third chapter - the scar and injury are not described in graphic detail, but the incident occurs, and is also tied in to how Kylo feels about his appearance. Please be aware of these issues as you read.


End file.
